


Meant To Be

by Jomarch05



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2017-11-10 00:32:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 64,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/460267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jomarch05/pseuds/Jomarch05
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once a couple but having broken up, Quinn tries her best to move forward with her life and forget about Rachel. She's a lawyer and as far removed from Hollywood and her ex as she can get. Only, what happens when Rachel hits rock bottom and Quinn's maybe the only one who can help her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Meant To Be**

_**"We accept the love we think we deserve."** _

_**Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower** _

_**  
** _

"So what are we talking about today?" Dr. Mika O'Neil can't help but smirk at Quinn Fabray. The woman sitting on her couch is so put together except at the start of their sessions. It's been two years now but still Quinn grimaces, each time she enters the door and finds her way to the soft brown leather couch. Rolling her neck and squaring her shoulders each and every time before finally sitting down on the very comfortable couch, although she never looks comfortable on it.

However Mika knows that a lot has changed and Quinn really is the better for it. She can't complain either considering the financial and legal advice Quinn had given to her. Even before she became her patient, she had been there to help when her brother ran afoul of the law.

They had been roommates at Yale, the geeky science nerd and the quintessential blonde cheerleader. It was a match made in hell or so Mika had thought. But Quinn had proven her wrong even then, not only extending friendship but sharing a love of Buffy and Firefly.

And when Quinn and Rachel Berry had got together sophomore year, she had missed the closeness but could never deny that Rachel was really what Quinn had needed to balance herself out. They fit somehow, finishing each other's sentences but more than that, there was this undeniable bond between them, forged by past experiences and tempered by time only to finally develop into love.

So even when Quinn went off to law school and she focused on her doctorate, they had still kept in touch, cards and letters, not only from Quinn but Rachel as well. Eventually tapering off until Tomo had gotten arrested for drug possession and the only lawyer Mika knew was Quinn.

She had come as soon as Mika had made the call, bringing another lawyer with her. And between the both of them, it had taken more than six weeks before charges were dropped and Tomo had been released.

Even if one of the other lawyers at the firm had handled Tomo's case, Quinn had still been instrumental in helping her brother avoid jail time. She had been so caught up with her own issues that she missed the fact that Quinn looked disconnected from everything. She was still beautiful but somehow, when she smiled, it never really reached her eyes, which just has this constant look of sadness to them. It took another week before Mika realised Quinn needed help but was just never going to ask for it.

So Mika offered or rather badgered her into her first therapy session. She still remembered Quinn sitting, back straight, knees together and her hands held tightly in her lap, just staring at her. Neither saying a word until about half an hour in when she decided to take a completely unorthodox direction and offered Quinn a drink.

The blonde had expected water but what she got was a shot of twenty year old scotch instead. The bottle had been a gift from Tomo when she graduated and she figured Quinn deserved it. It was a big gamble because she had seen Quinn get drunk more than a few times. She was on the cusp of it being a problem and Mika hoped that the sessions would help Quinn rein not only that problem in but also deal with what was bothering her the most.

But even if the alcohol had relaxed her such that she had finally leaned back into the soft leather, it still didn't loosen her tongue. So when the hour ended, instead of giving up like Quinn expected her too, Mika had just smiled widely and told her she would expect her next week.

It took three sessions before Quinn had said something even if it was just to tell Mika she was wasting her time. Again, Mika had surprised her by disagreeing and highlighting that Quinn had not only turned up on time but she knew that the blonde wanted to say something and it was ok to take her time.

In the meantime, Mika did her own version of homework, discovering that Rachel was in LA and completely thrown by the fact that she and Quinn were no longer together. It was inconceivable in her mind but the pictures from the magazines and the gossip sites all showed Rachel partying in LA and linked with various different people both male and female.

So when Quinn really did start to talk to her, Mika knew that she could help. Quinn was extraordinary even if she didn't see it herself and the guilt and pain she carried could be worked through if she just opened herself. Mika knows they're not there as yet but Quinn was finally actually kind of dating and having a life outside work so in her book, it was a great start.

"High school? Your father? Or shall we just do the high school boys and college girls you dated?" At least that triggered an eyebrow raise and just a twitch of Quinn's lips. There's something bothering her favorite patient and she really wants to get to the bottom of it. They've made so much progress that she hates to see Quinn take a step backwards.

"I'm working on an M&A. Boutique hedge fund trying to buy a small securities company on the west coast." Quinn's voice is soft as she looks at the small sand Zen garden on the side table. Her hand reaching out to grab the small wooden rake as she starts to draw circles in the sand, her voice falling off until Mika clears her throat.

"I flew in for a day, just to talk to their in house counsel. Red eye back to New York." Again Quinn goes silent, her concentration seemingly on making a pattern in the sand but Mika can see how tightly she's holding on to the rake and knows she's trying to stop her hands from shaking.

Right now, Quinn was trying her hardest to subsume everything she was feeling that she deemed not right. It happens more than Mika likes. Usually triggered by three people; Russell, Beth or Rachel. But progress had been made when she sees Quinn finally glance up to meet her eyes.

"There was this actress at the airport. I think the only...I think she guest starred on her show once. I don't even think they're friends." It's what's not said that matters here because Quinn Fabray had been more than friends with Rachel Berry once.

'So it was going to be a Rachel Berry session' those sessions along with the ones regarding Russell were always the hardest. Not on her because it was her job. But she could see them take their toll on Quinn. How she would walk into her office, standing tall and proud and walk out an hour later looking beaten and down. However, they were necessary to help Quinn get over her feelings of inadequacy and Mika knows that eventually she'll see Quinn walk out with the same demeanor she walked in with.

"She reminded you of her though, of Rachel?" Mika's voice is curious, hoping to spur Quinn on. It's more like a friendly conversation than a therapy session but it worked with Quinn as she sees the blonde nod slowly.

"And?" she knows that's not all to it as Quinn takes a deep breath, holding it in before slowly breathing out through her nose.

At least she was using some of the techniques Mika had suggested so she just waits patiently knowing that Quinn would either get up her courage to talk or she would just shut down and it would take two or three more sessions before they could inch forward again.

"Yes...No." The denouement said with a sigh, "She's doing really well in LA. People Choice Awards and an Emmy and two Golden Globes." Again, it's what's unsaid that tends to matter more.

"Those are just facts and she seems to be doing well professionally but is she really happy?" Mika doesn't have to wait for a reaction as Quinn finally keeps eye contact, her words low but definitely harsher than before.

"Of course she's happy. She has to be... otherwise what would she..." Quinn stops abruptly, really not wanting to have this conversation today or maybe this year. She had thought she had made peace with Rachel leaving. But she knows that it just meant she had finally pushed the hurt so deep down that it didn't resurface unless someone brought it up like Mika or worse yet, Santana.

"Let's talk about my father..." Quinn's actually amazed that talking about her father actually hurt less than talking about Rachel. But that was truly the case here because she knows that Russell Fabray couldn't hurt her anymore but Rachel Berry would always be able to.

#$#$#$#$#$#

The next time Rachel kind of spins into her orbit, Quinn was buying her usual cup of coffee from the cart run by Joel ,around the corner from her office,. She does it every day at around eight in the morning and like clockwork informs him that she's still available and even if he has the six grandchildren and his wife Pearl is standing next to him, she'll marry him in an instant if he just asks.

Except on that day, as she goes through her routine, she notices the left behind National Enquirer and all she sees is a shot of Rachel Berry on the cover, looking angry and lost and giving the person taking the picture the finger; the garish headline proclaiming drug use and a new story of a run in with police.

"You, ok there sweetheart?" Joel's voice pulls her out of her state of reverie as she nods to him before asking if she could take the discarded paper, not really sure why she wants to read the story but somehow feeling compelled to because once upon a time, she knew the girl in the paper and for the life of her cannot understand how Rachel ended up looking like she really was on drugs.

She really doesn't want to care but it's not like she can control her own heart. Quinn's tried her level best to forget those years and everything or rather that one particular person who had been everything to her. But somehow, reading the stupid story and looking at the pictures of Rachel looking so lost and sad resonated within her. She remembers waking up curled around the brunette, their bodies touching end to end and feeling like she was the luckiest woman in New York.

But things had begun to change even then, her hours at the law firm ate into the time they spent together, missing some of Rachel's shows and likewise not having Rachel there at her own Corporate functions. Quinn knows she could have tried harder, been less driven at work but it wasn't all on her either.

So she just pushed all thoughts of Rachel aside even if every now and then, she'd catch herself thinking of the brunette. Of that bright eyed annoying girl she knew that was destined for great things and whom she had fallen head over heels in love with and who now seemed to be wasting all that potential. But it wasn't her problem anymore and to be honest, she had her own issues and didn't want to waste time thinking of what ifs and things that was beyond her control.

However, the universe had never really listened to Quinn Fabray and her life would always be intertwined with Rachel Berry's whether she was ready or not.

#$#$#$#$

"Ma'am, are you ok?" She hears the question but does not answer as she's curled on the floor, her hands over her head and trying to appear as small as she possibly could. She still feels the blood coating her hands and resists the urge to scrub at them knowing that in her state, she'd never want to stop and there was already a good possibility that people thought her mad and she didn't want to add to the evidence further.

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to stand up." It's the way the voice changes that she figures the nice police officer who started with the calming voice just saw Jesse's body slumped against the wall and his blood all over her.

And she wants to comply, she really truly does, only her limbs don't seem to belong to her and there seems to be this barrier preventing her from moving or talking or even thinking straight. And then she hears the screaming and it becomes so difficult to concentrate that she needs the woman who is screaming to stop because she wants to think, to tell these people that she needs help. She needs strong arms and hazel eyes to calm her down, to tell her that she's loved and to make everything alright.

Only Rachel can't remember feeling right in so long. And it really had been her fault and no one else's, her needs above Quinn's and Finn's and Jesse's. And the only thing she knows for a fact is that she's lost and no one will ever be able to find her.

It's only then that Rachel realizes that she's the one screaming, the sound ripped from her throat is so raw and so loud that she knows if she doesn't stop, it could hurt her voice. But even that thought does not help her because she feels the blood on her hands and knows that she's responsible for Jesse's death as much as she was for Finn's.

She feels them pull her up, her body now pressed against the wall as her hands are cuffed behind her back; her scream finally dying as she struggles for air, the officer not letting up as he presses into her back. But Rachel welcomes the pain and likewise, she welcomes the loss of consciousness as she finally blacks out.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

"You know I'm going to make partner first so you might as well just go home wallow in your loserness." The acerbic tone is in no way softened by the wolfish smile on Santana's face.

"That's not a word. Are you sure you graduated college much less law school?" The one thing Quinn will always be grateful for is still having Santana in her life. Even if it their competitive relationship was a facsimile of High school, at least the woman would always be there for her, pulling her out of any funk and knocking her down a peg just to remind her that she was still HBIC.

"Summa Cum Laude, baby.." Santana smirks even if she knows exactly what Quinn was going to say next. They've been having this conversation for years and it still hadn't gotten old.

"Wasn't that at Fordham?" Quinn gets up and walks towards her bookcase, her Yale JD Degree not too prominently placed there but still visible. "Umm...correct me if I'm wrong but Fordham's still out of the top twenty rankings, right? Unlike...,you know, Yale." Her words are definitely softened by her smile because Santana was an amazing lawyer and Quinn knew that in a courtroom, the Latina didn't have many equals.

Quinn had excelled in corporate law and found her calling putting together Mergers and Acquisitions. The state of the economy driving so many companies to seek stronger partners or cheap deals and she had worked her way through thirty of them and counting. It wasn't arguing in a Court of Law or doing good by people but she drove the best deal she could and she enjoyed the work.

"Come on, I'll buy you a drink and we can really discuss who's a better lawyer." Quinn considers saying no because she really needed to finish the proposal for that hedge fund. Only Santana looks worried which meant something was either wrong at home with Brittany or there was something on her mind about a case.

Either of which meant copious amounts of alcohol and staying with Santana until she figured out that Brittany meant more to her than anything or another way to win the case that was plaguing her.

Quinn grabs her jacket and shuts down her computer all the while ignoring Santana tapping her foot, expecting her to hurry up more. And it only gets worse when the phone rings and instead of letting it go to voice mail, she grabs the receiver.

"Yes, I'm Quinn Fabray. No...I mean yes but...we haven't. My god, is she ok?" Quinn falls back into her chair. Her head in her hands as she tries to make sense from the call. Each word uttered by the person on the line sending her heart rate spiraling up as a cold sense of dread falls over her.

Rachel, her Rachel was hurt and in trouble and even if they hadn't been together in over three years, Rachel still hadn't changed her emergency contact and she was lucky enough to be there to take the call.

"Can I talk to her? ...Please...No, I understand. I'll take the first flight out that I can get."She does not realize she's crying until she feels Santana's arm around her shoulders. "Please just tell her I...Please, tell her I'll be there soon."

She drops the receiver before dropping her head on to her desk. The pain when it connects just reinforces the fact that whether she wanted it or not, Rachel Berry was back in her life.

**End part 1**


	2. Chapter 2

**Meant To Be**

**Part II**

_**Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.** _

_**Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones** _

Quinn knows she's scaring Santana mainly because the Latina was not only holding her hand but had actually refrain from making at least four snide remarks since they got onto the plane together. But she's actually scaring herself more because she's completely sure that she wouldn't be able to face Rachel but still she felt compelled to fly across the country and she does not really know what to do when they land.

She feels Santana squeeze her hand, her wedding band pressing down and it finally spurs her on to ask about Santana's own call. "What did Brittany say when you called her?"

Quinn had wanted to talk to her, to tell her that she should just tell Santana to stay in town and that she was a big girl who could take care of herself. The only problem with that argument was it kind of fell to pieces when she had thrown up the contents of her stomach half way through recounting the call from the LAPD to Santana.

Even trying to book tickets had been a feat in itself as her mind kept dwelling on the fact that Rachel was in the hospital and in trouble and she had been listed as her emergency contact. She had tried to get more information. Even Santana's idea of calling their affiliated West Coast office didn't help as whatever had happened was still being kept under wraps and the only way to find out anything was to fly to LA.

Santana already misses Brittany but she wasn't about to abandon Quinn when she needed her most. Their friendship was built on insults and fortified by a trust in each other that had been cultivated since grade school. She had met Quinn first even before Brittany and to Santana, that meant something.

"She said take care of you, hug Rachel and bring back Ryan Seacrest. Wait...Or maybe it was take care of Ryan Seacrest, hug you and bring Rachel back" It's just the right thing to say and Quinn smiles for the first time in hours. She's at least glad that the reason Santana wanted to talk to her wasn't regarding Britt but probably about the case she was working on. She has to remind herself that they were both putting their lives on hold to help someone who maybe didn't want their help.

But at least it meant that between the both of them, there was at least one decent healthy adult relationship that worked. "Once I'm settled in the hotel, you're flying back." This time, she gets Santana's patented bitch glare.

"Listen Q, you may be this big shot Corporate attorney raking in the big bucks and flying first class while we Trial lawyers sweat it out in the cheap seats but you're not even sure what you're walking into and trust me when I say Rachel's probably going to need my lawyer skillz, that right, its with a Z and she's probably going to need those madskillz a lot more than yours."

It takes all her will power not to throw up again or break down and Santana at least has the decency to pretend to look out the window as she tries relatively unsuccessfully to gather herself. In the end, Quinn just lets the tears flow, her head buried in the crook of her elbow as she remembers the last time she had seen Rachel.

_**Three Years Ago** _

"Please, Rachel, we can make this work." Her voice is edged with desperation and she wants to reach out and grab Rachel and not let her go but she knows that it's not her choice to make. All she can do is stand by the door of their bedroom and plead her case, her hand jammed in her pockets even as her fingernails dig into her palms because she so desperately wants to touch Rachel.

She knows she has to rely on her words and not her actions and even if she knows she's a damn fine lawyer and words tended to come naturally, Quinn's scared stiff that she'll lose the one thing that means everything to her if she says the wrong one right now.

"How?" Rachel actually stops packing, as she finally turns to face Quinn, arms akimbo, expecting that miracle answer as to how they could carry on. It's not that she doesn't love Quinn but being together meant exactly that. It meant they had to be together and not just sharing the same space. And that really was what the both of them had been doing for the past year and Rachel is just sick of it.

She misses Quinn, the girl she fell in love with years ago. The one she realised she had kind of loved even in high school and it had taken her that miserable first year at NYADA before she understood that it had always been Quinn for her. And accepting that was just the beginning because what had been infinitely more precious was the fact that Quinn had loved her too.

Through all her insecurities and that heavy pervasive guilt she carried for Finn's death, Quinn had been there for her, by her side, supporting her regardless. And she does still love her but they've been together seven years and maybe she just needs a short break. Time apart just to put things into perspective and to appreciate what she had.

"It's only for pilot season and you know they're going to say..." Rachel's voice trails off, her insecurities breaking through as she looks down self-consciously, "I'm too ethnic looking or my nose is too large". And like clockwork, Quinn comes to her defense.

"You're beautiful." It's always been the one argument between them for the longest time. And she just does not understand how Rachel could ever think herself ugly. But she also gets that her bullying when they had been younger would have played a big part for Rachel feeling this way even now.

And nothing she can say at this moment would make up for all the name calling then. And like always, she does the only thing that she can as she takes the brunette in her arms. Her words now softly sung. It's another ritual of sorts for them, always able to soothe all the past hurts and making her lover smile.

The words infused with so much emotion, the song one of Rachel's favorites. Quinn knows Rachel can sing it so much better and she was the one who had been nominated for a Tony for playing the witch in the 'Into The Woods' revival. But still, she knows it means everything to Rachel when she sings 'Pretty Women' from Sweeney Todd. The brunette's love for Sondheim only eclipsed by her love for Quinn.

They stand together swaying even after the song is over and Quinn actually thinks that maybe it was going to work out after all. Only Rachel finally pulls apart, her tone sounding like goodbye even if her words aren't.

"I just need a short break and I'm really not going to get anything big but Jesse knows one of the producers of 'The New Normal' and he thinks I could maybe get a guest spot. Three weeks tops."

Quinn tries to blink away her tears, her hand cupping Rachel's cheek. "Promise?" And she only remembers much later, that Rachel had just kissed her instead of replying.

And when Rachel had called two weeks later to tell her of not only landing a pilot but of it getting picked up, she had still prayed that they could make it work. She really had tried, flying across the country every chance she got until one of the senior partners had to sit her down and explain what the life of a junior lawyer meant.

Quinn had made up her mind then, typing up her resignation letter and booking a one way ticket to LA. Her proposal all planned out in her head. Except the words had been stuck in her throat the second she had seen some nameless woman kiss Rachel. Worse yet, she had seen Rachel, her Rachel, kissing the woman back. Hands tangled up in her honeyed blonde hair and her eyes closed.

Rachel never knew that Quinn had been to LA or had seen that kiss. And all her calls had gone unanswered and straight to voicemail such that her last message was that she was flying to New York only to be met by Santana at the airport.

Quinn had packed her stuff by then, sending Santana to intercept her and tell her it was over. Santana had come back looking as wrecked as she felt but Quinn didn't want to hear the excuses or to ever open herself up to getting hurt by Rachel again. In her mind, she had tried her best to be there for Rachel, to make up for her past sins and to love the brunette with all her being. But apparently that wasn't enough and Quinn realised she had to protect her heart as well.

Seeing Rachel kiss someone else had devastated her and she's sure she would never really recover from that. In a sense though, deep down, she thinks that maybe she deserves to be hurt. It was pay back of sorts for when she had cheated on Finn with Puck and then cheated on Sam with Finn. Her subsequent car accident had taught her humility but she never really learnt about love or a broken heart until she broke up with Rachel.

That wretched feeling, her only companion for the past three years.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel tries not to panic when she opens her eyes and she finds herself strapped to a bed. Like before, she can't move her arms even as she strains against the straps around her wrists. Her only saving grace is the fact that she does not feel Jesse's blood coating her skin anymore.

Still, she feels like she's trapped and it sends her into a panic as she starts to hyperventilate and thrash around. The nurse who rushes into the room glances at her before reaching for the phone by her bedside and calling in a code of some kind.

"Please, just let me go, please." She's pleading and crying but the woman does not listen, instead she walks swiftly out of the room, leaving Rachel alone even as she calls out weakly again, "Please, I'll do anything, just take these off."

She can feel the straps chaff against her skin, rubbing her wrist raw but she just can't stop trying to get loose. So when the next person enters her room, she almost cries out in relief only to see his grim face as he reaches into his jacket and takes out his badge.

Her eyes are grainy and she can't reach to wipe the sleep from them but she's seen enough props on her show to recognize a police badge and its then that she remembers Jesse and what led her here.

"Am I under arrest?" She's glad that her voice does not crack and still actually sounds like its her voice and not someone who's broken. It's a hell of a way to be reminded of how good an actress she is though as she stares at the officer.

"Should you be?" Detective Grant Collins has met his fair share of celebrities. TV actors, reality show people and more than a few bona fide Movie stars but Rachel Berry was still something special. Maybe it was the fact that she was tiny with a voice that was extraordinary and seemingly too big to belong to her. But more than that, it was her look; a throwback to the dames from the fifties, brassy with big voices and bigger hearts.

Even the character she played on TV, a lawyer who owned her own Karoake bar where she would make all her clients sing at, was a bit over the top and he can't say he's a fan but he does like to hear her sing. And he truly does wonder how she got herself into this mess. Grant tries not to sigh as he tucks his badge back into his breast pocket.

Rachel does not reply but the way her eyes widen and fill with tears makes him actually feel bad for having to do this. "Rachel Barbra Berry." He intones her name and tries to steel himself from feeling bad that he has to do this.

She's looking at him, her eyes wide and her lower lip trembling and it becomes too much such that he has to look away before he continues. " You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an attorney." The sobs she had been trying so hard to swallow suddenly bursts out on that last word. She forces herself not to think of the one person she really wants and truly needs right now.

"If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Ms Berry, do you understand your rights as they have been read to you." When he finally meets her eyes, all he sees in them is pure unadulterated fear but at least she nods.

He tries to temper his voice, "I'm sorry Ms Berry but you have to answer me."

"Yes." Her voice matching his even as she shuts her eyes tight as if removing him from her sight would change the plight she was in.

"We'll have to take you into custody once your doctor gives you the all clear. But for now, you just have to answer a few questions if you feel up to it. Can you do that, Ms Berry?"

Rachel's head is still muddled and she knows it's as much to do with the alcohol and whatever pills Jesse had slipped her as it to do with the fact that she knows Jesse is dead. But even through the haze and the constant state of fear and not really being able to fully think through her situation, she knows that she should just stop talking.

She was on an award winning show about lawyers and had even been ...her train of thought shuts like it does each time she even tries to think about Quinn. And thankfully, she doesn't need to fully explore that thought as she clamps her mouth shut and shakes her head.

Grant actually feels a bit relieved that she's finally reacting and maybe she finally understands the situation she's in. "Do you need anything?" He really does not have to ask her that or prompt her to lawyer up even if he feels bad for her but he does hope she gets the hint and asks for one.

Rachel seriously considers his question. There was always such a big difference between what she had wanted and what she knew she needed and Rachel knows she's never made the right choices. Always eschewing what she needed for things that were fleeting and insubstantial in the end.

If she were really trying to be honest here, there really was only one thing she really needed and right now it was also the person she wanted to see the most. However, she knows that she burnt that bridge a long time ago and there was no way she could expect anything. Adding the fact that she felt truly ashamed for her situation was more than enough reason to just shake her head at his question, her mouth still clamped shut because if she started crying now, Rachael knows she may never ever stop.

Grant nods his head and turns to leave when he collides with what he can only describe as a force of nature as the woman barges into the room, her voice loud and directed. "My name is Santana Lopez and I'm here to represent Rachel Berry."

**End Part 2**


	3. Chapter 3

 

**Meant To Be**

**Part III**

**_"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."_**

**_Anais Nin_**

**Ten Years Ago**

Rachel's hands are shaking so badly that the glass she's holding falls down, crashing around her bare feet, nicking her legs with its shards. But she truly doesn't feel anything as she tries to assimilate Kurt's words. Her legs finally stumbling back into her dorm room even as Kurt tries to reach out to hold her. But she pushes his hands away before wrapping her arms around her middle. His words finally getting through and all she feels is numb as she finally collapses back.

Kurt's cautious as he steps around the broken glass on the floor and only then does he rush to where she had collapsed onto the green duffle bag at the foot of her bed. He bends down, his arms going around her curled body. She's shaking but not uttering any sound and that's really what scares him the most. Rachel always had something to say and her not saying anything was almost an impossibility in his mind.

"Rachel, sweetie...let it out. Please.." But it's as if she's cut herself off as she wrenches herself away and rushes to the small bathroom, slamming the door, the subsequent sound of running water not masking the sound of her retching and harsh cries. Kurt does not know what else to do and is almost glad when he hears Quinn before he sees her.

"Hey Sweetie,what did I tell you about leaving the door open, I know you need your chai fix but come on Rach, safety...remember.." Quinn sees the broken glass and immediately knows something's not right and Rachel's safety becomes her primary concern as she slams open the door, her hand ready to fling hot coffee on anyone who wasn't Rachel.

"Kurt?" his tear stained face already indicating that the day was just going to get so much worse despite the great start they had this morning. Quinn looks around anxious to spot Rachel and when she hears the brunette's cries behind the closed door, her brain puts it all together and she doesn't really know what to feel.

Somehow, Rachel's hoarse cries and Kurt's tears could only mean something had happened to Finn. She's never been thought of as stupid and this conclusion though unwanted, was the most logical in her mind.

She had loved Finn Hudson once and Rachel had loved him since and somehow she knows that the news was about him as oppose to something affecting one of their idols like Liza or Barbra because if that were the case, they'd be crying in each other's arms, commiserating with each other as opposed to fighting their own regrets individually. She does not hesitate as she goes straight to the door, her voice low and coaxing, "Rachel please open the door, please come out. I just want to see that you're alright..please Rach."

Kurt's not surprised to see Quinn there. It had been more of a surprise that Blaine had finally broken up with him than the fact that Quinn and Rachel actually worked hard to maintain their friendship after graduation. Spending alternate weekends in New Haven and New York, they had managed to connect in a way that they could never manage to in high school.

Maybe it had to do with the fact they they were starting over, bottom of the food chain or bottom of the pyramid in Quinn's case. Bonding over being new and a bit scared and feeling out of place in the big city or the ivy league school. Trying to fit in and knowing that if they didn't they still kind of had each other to lean on, to call in the middle of the night when struck by a sense of utter paralysing failure or to run lines with over the phone because practice was necessary when auditioning for anything really.

He had to admit that he was kind of jealous of them or to be honest, completely jealous. Rachel had been his friend first even if he knew that she had always wanted to be Quinn's friend as well. So the first time she had used Quinn's graduation gift, he had gone into a sulk, not even talking to Blaine and ignoring Rachel when she got back.

He had this picture in his head of growing old, Blaine by his side and Rachel and Finn next door. Only things would never ever work out that way because he wasn't with Blaine any longer and Finn was dead. He finally crawls over to where Quinn is pleading to Rachel to come out, his hand blindly reaching for hers as his head collapses into her lap.

Quinn's hands go around him as her voice continues to talk Rachel into coming out. It finally takes her an hour before Rachel finally relents and opens the door falling down in a heap next to them. Her eyes red but dry as she looks at him, not ready to articulate anything but needing to just make a connection as her eyes meet his but her hand grabs Quinn's.

"The funeral is at the end of the week." He directs his words at them somehow knowing that they would only come together or not at all. The thought of them being together-together doesn't really coalesce in his mind until about a year later when he sees Rachel start to fall apart before her performance as Adelaide in Guys and Dolls. Only to have Quinn rush backstage, take both of her hands, whisper in her ear making her blush. He never did figure out what was said but it did result in Rachel subsequently going out on stage and giving a stellar performance that earned her, her first off off off broadway role. Right now though, all he sees is a strong friendship.

Rachel does not know if she can face it, any of it really. They were not even twenty yet and Finn was dead, killed half way around the world and about to be buried in the ground back in Ohio. They were suppose to meet again eventually. It wasn't a promise but an expectation that would now never be. "I...I.."Her voice stutters as she tries to get words out only she has nothing to say.

"We'll fly back the day after tomorrow. I'll get tickets for all of us. Do you.. Will you need to be back sooner?" Quinn looks at Kurt. Finn had been his step brother and even if they had a rocky start, in the end,they were as close as two brothers could be. Finn calling from Afghanistan every week and Kurt calling him when Blaine broke up with him before even calling Rachel.

Kurt just nods another sob bursting out of him as the weight of Finn's death presses down on him, his sense of fearlessness and the sheen of youthful invincibility vanishing the instant his dad called to tell him the news. "What...what are we going to do without him?"

Rachel does not really know how to answer Kurt's question. The universe was suppose to look out for them, to ensure that she achieved her dream and he absolved his father's tainted legacy. She had believed him when he had said the words in the car about surrendering because they were going to be reunited again as Finn said, in New York or half way around the world. They were suppose to get their happy ending, their love wasn't suppose to die not like this.

She feels Quinn's arms around her and she realises that they are the only thing holding her together and if Quinn ever let go, she would just break apart, fragment into a million pieces and never be whole again. And somehow Quinn just knows as she holds on to her, her low voice anchoring her. "I've got you, just breathe...I won't let you go..I promise I will not let go."

**Eight Years Ago**

They barely make it through the door, Rachel's legs are curled around her waist, their lips almost fused together as Quinn carries her into her apartment. "Bed, now." Rachel's voice bordering on a command such that Quinn pulls back slightly, eyebrows raised, her lips swollen red from the kissing that started in the car and continued through the lift ride up until they entered Rachel's apartment.

Rachel just smiles before nipping at Quinn's neck sending a shiver through the blonde who proceeds to follow Rachel's initial command as she carries her to the bedroom. She feels insatiable, needing to taste Rachel as soon as they hit the bed.

She has Rachel on her back as she straddles her, both their hands clasped together as she bends down to capture her lips. The kiss is electric and she shivers in anticipation of more. It's amazing how she just can't get enough of her girlfriend. Even the word in itself is special to her.

Only because she never thought she would ever get to use it, especially not in relation to Rachel Barbra Berry. Quinn knows how lucky she is to have this chance, to love Rachel and be loved by her in return. She had held herself back for so damn long.

First in High school when she knew she had been attracted to Rachel but pushed down those feelings because she believed for the longest time that they were unacceptable. But she could not stay away either, actually acquiescing to all the favours Rachel had asked of her from trying to tempt Finn back, to rejoining Glee and finally to even agreeing to be bridesmaid at a wedding she never ever wanted to go to.

Her accident had been the wake up call she needed to reassess her life and realise that she had been so very lucky. She still couldn't bring herself to go for whom she wanted though, instead just pushing herself to walk again for a start. Rachel was still engaged to Finn and Quinn finally understood that all she wanted was for Rachel to be happy.

Her own needs could be subsumed as long as she made Rachel happy. It was something she had realised over senior year and something she worked at when she understood that they they were both moving to The same state. Yale was tough but school never scared her as much as losing Rachel's friendship.

And that was how it started, with alternate weekend trips in New York and New Haven, building on their tentative friendship that really truly began at the end of senior year. Being the supportive friend as Rachel navigated auditions, classes and being in a long distance relationship with Finn.

Despite Finn enlisting, Rachel had vowed to stay with him, writing letters and sending videos of her singing to him every week. Quinn holding her tongue and being there for her, never letting on that she could love Rachel as much as Finn did and even recording most of the videos for Rachel to send.

Then Finn had died and Rachel just fell apart, almost quitting NYADA except Quinn had been there to stop her making the biggest mistake of her life. Even putting their friendship on the line when Rachel had lashed out, angry and confused. She had accused Quinn of so many things, most of them true like the fact she never believed that she and Finn belonged together.

The fight only ending when Quinn had put herself on the line and kissed Rachel. Pouring all her feelings into that one kiss, pulling Rachel close as she showed her that she was so in love with her.

And instead of pushing her away or running out of the room, Rachel had kissed her back. That first kiss restoring her faith in love and making her believe that everything would work out for them as she tasted Rachel for the first time.

Every subsequent kiss since then just as special as Quinn kisses Rachel's throat, her hands roaming downwards, unbuttoning Rachel's shirt, "Too many buttons." she semi whines even as she feels Rachel's lips curve upwards in a small smile as the brunette kisses her back.

Rachel's hands more dexterous than hers as she finds her bra unclasped and her pants pulled downwards. The anticipation of what's to come building such that Quinn feels almost short of breath, her entire focus on the girl beneath her, how her eyes slip shut when she cups her breast and how her lips purse when Quinn nips at her throat.

So attuned to each other such that Quinn knows exactly what Rachel needs as she moans her name, one hand splayed across Rachel's back, while the other enters the brunette, slick and ready.

"Come with me." like before, its not a request as much as a command and Quinn could never say no to Rachel as she opens herself up to her. Her own fingers flexing in time with Rachel's as she feels the climax build up within, the feeling of soaring and falling at the same time. Only she knows that Rachel has her in her heart and always.

"I love you, no matter what happens, always remember that one truth." The words wash over Rachel, anchoring her, making her believe that her life would always be this way.

**Present Day**

"I can't go in there." Quinn stops just short of the automatic doors, not wanting to trigger them and enter the hospital. "Please, S." Her voice pleading as she looks at her oldest friend, hoping that Santana understands how hard this is for her, not only being here but actually recognising that she needed help and couldn't deal with it by herself.

She thinks Mika would be proud of that at least even if she does not even make it as far as actually seeing Rachel. It's not that Quinn doesn't want to, in fact, she desperately wants to see her which is why she knows she shouldn't. Quinn still loved Rachel so very much but that didn't detract form the fact that Rachel had cheated on her. And even if she had done the same thing twice over in high school, Quinn knows that she would never have cheated on Rachel and maybe it was karma coming back to bite her on the butt for being such a bitch in high school. And maybe she deserved it but it had hurt so much and seeing Rachel kiss someone else had decimated her.

"Tell her I...please just see that she's ok and maybe tell her that I'm here...but only if she wants to...if she...hell, just ensure that she's fine, please." her voice is thick with tears but at least she's holding them back even if she swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Don't get your panties in a twist. I'll take care of this and of her. Are you...can you hold it together or do you want to go to the hotel?" the fact that Santana still sounds concerned actually makes Quinn feel like she's showing her weakness and she needed to face reality whatever it entailed.

"I'm ...I'm getting there. I'll wait here. I just need to know that she's alright." Quinn hunches into her coat, the LA weather more clement than New York but she just feels so cold and alone and the fact that Rachel probably feels worse makes her feel even colder.

$#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel blinks about ten times as she shakes her head a bit, trying to see if Santana was one of those hallucinations she was prone to especially when she got a bit too high. Most times, she'd think she was looking at Quinn but in reality, in the end, Quinn didn't come to LA. And all Rachel had going for her was a burgeoning TV career and the start of a drug habit.

"Is she alright?" Santana's voice is sharp as she addresses the only other person in the room. She's been around enough police officers to recognise one and knows she needs to get her bearings as quickly as possible. "My client will not be answering any questions until I have time to talk to her. Is she under arrest?"

Grant looks over at Rachel who actually looks more shocked at seeing her so called lawyer than at getting her Miranda rights read to her. He figures there's a story behind it but knows he needs to do his job first. "Her doctor should be in soon to give us an update on Ms Berry's condition. If she is released, I will be taking her into custody."

"Are you pressing charges?" Santana holds her breath, hoping she didn't have to go back and tell Quinn this.

"Not right now,but she is a person of interest in the death of one Mr Jesse St James. We just need to question her and then we'll see." He turns to look at Rachel, "Ms Berry, will you answer a few questions?" His voice goes softer when he talks to her and at least she looks at him even if she shakes her head.

Somehow, she realises that Santana would never come to help her if she hadn't been pushed to do it. And the only two people who could get Santana to do something like this were Brittany and Quinn. And deep down, she knows Quinn had done it and maybe had even come with Santana.

"Is she here?" Her voice more filled with trepidation than hope as she directs the question to Santana. Rachel sees her terse nod back and realises that maybe, just maybe their love didn't die even if she had done a lot in the past few years to kill it.

**End Part 3**


	4. Chapter 4

 

**Meant To Be**

_**"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."**_

_**― Marilyn Monroe**_

It's easy to rationalise in her mind that she's always loved Finn even if it had started out as a juvenile crush that slowly evolved to getting back at Quinn and finally settling on him being her first love and her first lover.

Only when Quinn had kissed her even as she railed and screamed at the unfairness of her life did she finally understand what love and being in love really truly meant. That kiss somehow triggering a primeval response within her, making everything coalesce in her mind as she realised that she completely loved Lucy Quinn Fabray. And miraculously, Quinn loved her back.

She always knew Quinn could be a great friend, even more so than Kurt because Quinn never really saw her as competition. Even with Finn, she had realised that Quinn had been jealous,but not of her, never her. She had been jealous of Finn. And only after her accident did she finally accept that she had been in love with Rachel Berry. Desperately so and she had to accept that Rachel was in love with Finn and the only way she could be with the brunette was to just be her friend.

So Quinn excelled at it. Listening to her and more importantly supporting her in everything, from going after roles she thought she wouldn't have a chance at getting to trying to sustain her long distance relationship with Finn. Quinn had been there with her, next to her, sometimes pushing but more often than not just being that strong shoulder to lean on.

If it weren't for her, Rachel would not have made it to or through Finn's funeral either. She realised early on that she loved Finn but hadn't been in love with him for some time. And she didn't think she was settling but just accepting that growing up meant loving someone without being in love.

Finally to understand that her heart had been stolen by Quinn, quietly and steadily, beating in time with the blonde's and when Quinn finally showed that she was in love with Rachel, that kiss, that first kiss had been magical, opening up so many possibilities and making her feel invincible.

Rachel had been on the verge of just giving up but Quinn had saved her then. Putting everything she had and everything she was on the line. And right now, Rachel knows that Quinn was still trying to save her. Despite their separation and the fact that they hadn't seen each other or made contact in years, Quinn was still trying her best to be there for her by sending Santana.

She looks at the door and not at the pissed off looking Latina in her room. Wishing like she has never wished before, not even for that once in a lifetime Broadway role that she always wanted. But she does wish for something now. All she truly wants is to see Quinn.

And miraculously, her eyes widen as she sees Quinn step into her room. She wants to reach out but the look on Quinn's face stops her even before she realises her hands are strapped down. All she's ever wanted was for someone to love her despite her flaws and idiosyncrasies and right now, she can see that Quinn no longer does.

#$#$#$#$#$

Quinn spends all of three minutes pacing back and forth in the waiting area before she caves, pulls out her phone and calls Mika. The doctor's cheery greeting and question does nothing for her nerves as her eyes slip shut and she takes a deep breath.

"Quinn, is everything ok?" She had been expecting the call not because she didn't have faith in Quinn but mainly because she did. Quinn no longer kept everything tightly held within her. She had learnt to let go, to accept that she needed a bit of help every now and then and she didn't have to handle everything by herself. She could get perspective from other people and it would help.

Mika hears Quinn let out a long sigh over the phone and she waits patiently for another response before she decides how best she can help the blonde face whatever she needed to.

"I want to see her." Quinn feels the pull so strongly. It's always been a constant in her life since High School. It would ebb and flow with time, getting weaker when her anger and fear took precedence but never disappearing completely despite her early efforts to sever it in so many different ways, from bullying Rachel to joining the skanks and finding some distraction more than comfort with Mack.

Even when Rachel had left, when she had replaced Quinn with some nameless Hollywood blonde, kissing her, hands caressing and tongues duelling, Quinn still felt the pull. But she had grown up and realised that she needed to protect her heart. So she chose to leave first. To break it off with Rachel even if she knew for a fact that her heart would always irrevocably, belong to the brunette.

She could learn to ignore it, hide it when necessary and just survive. Quinn's just not sure if she could see Rachel again and still be able to hide her feelings. "I just ...I don't know if I should."

"I can't make that decision for you." Mika knows that all Quinn needs is to talk it out and to understand that she's always been the strong one despite her father's view or even her own assessment of her worth. She had encountered and survived so much and all she really needed was faith in herself. "Loving her and showing it can be two different things and you need to know that you can choose to show it or hide it but you shouldn't fight it."

"I know." Quinn sighs again as she steels herself because she really does need to see Rachel for herself. She trusted Santana explicitly but she truly needed to convince herself that Rachel was ok. And then she could really decide the best way to help the love of her life without having her heart broken in the process. "I need to know that she's unhurt and I need to see her in order to do that. Wish me luck."

"You don't need luck, you're Quinn Fabray." Mika smiles as she says the words, really believing in Quinn and knowing that it would spur Quinn to believe in herself too.

She stops outside Rachel's room, the police officer sitting by the door glancing her way and reminding her that Rachel was in trouble and she needed to get it together in order to help her.

It's then that she hears Rachel's voice, bringing about a maelstrom of memories, both good and bad. That beautiful voice able to instigate so many different feelings out of Quinn. That voice that conveyed love by singing just a single line of a song.

So Quinn just concentrates on protecting her heart as she schools her face into something passive and she finally steps into the room.

#$#$#$#$#

Rachel had always hoped, deep down that she and Quinn could eventually come together again. It wasn't constantly on her mind but every now and then, she'd be hit by the sense of deep longing, of knowing that a piece of her was missing.

Once, coming off a high that Jesse had instigated, mixing pills and pot because she had felt so alone and so small that she couldn't stop crying for two days. Only stopping when she had called Quinn, hearing her say hello over the phone had been enough for her to push herself to be better and eventually to maybe be with Quinn again.

So she always knew in her heart that when she met up with Quinn again, the blonde would be able to see that they belonged together and she would see love reflected back in those hazel eyes.

But looking at Quinn now, her hair sleeked back, her sharp cheekbones prominent and her eyes hooded, all Rachel sees is the cheerleader she had encountered in High school. The one who never gave her the time of day and who only acknowledged her with insults and name calling.

She looks down at her bound hands and feels ashamed for the first time ever in Quinn's presence, also innately accepting that she was broken beyond repair and didn't deserve Quinn or her love.

"I'm..." her voice sounds rusty and she tries to swallow the tears building up in the back of her throat. "I'm sorry I never changed my emergency contact information." Rachel knew Quinn would come but now that she was here, it was so difficult to face the reality where Quinn didn't love her but came out of a sense of pity maybe.

"I'm sorry you came all this way, I..." Her bravado disappearing fast as she sees Quinn look downwards at her hands shackled to the bed before turning to address Detective Collins. Her voice so controlled that Rachel can't tell if she's disappointed or angry or just indifferent.

"I believe I spoke to one of your officers over the phone. My name is Quinn Fabray and I was listed as Ra...Ms Berry's emergency contact. Can she be released into my care or.." this time Quinn looks at Santana, hoping that she knows more and can give her some sort of direction as to how to help Rachel.

"They just want to question her but no charges as yet." Santana's surprised to see Quinn but can totally read the relief on her face at her words and the fact that Rachel, although a bit hurt was lucid and sitting up in her bed.

Quinn nods as she breathes out as slowly as she possibly can, trying her best to hold it all together and not get sidetracked by how small and hurt Rachel looked and how all she felt like doing was to bundle Rachel up and take her back to New York. However her lawyer instincts kick in almost immediately, "What kind of charges?"

"Ms Berry was arrested in the home of a Mr. Jesse St James. His body was found in the same room she was in and she has not as yet given us any statements or indications that she was not involved in his death. We'll get more information as soon as the autopsy's complete."

Quinn knew it could be bad but she never imagined it would be this bad as she finally locks eyes with Rachel and what she sees scares her because she's always been able to read Rachel, all her moods because she wore her emotions so openly. And what she sees is guilt and fear as Rachel stares back at her.

Quinn cannot fathom how things could devolve into such a state where Jesse was dead and Rachel seemed to be implicated in his death. He had been instrumental in getting Rachel out to LA and Quinn hated him for that but she would have never wanted him dead. Her worst thoughts centred more around castration.

But right now, all she can focus on is the fact that Rachel looks guilty. Quinn's gaze does not waver and it's Rachel who finally breaks it, her expression finally morphing into defeat as she casts her eyes downwards, half heartedly tugging at the restraints around her wrists. That motion finally spurring Quinn forward, her voice as authoritative as she can muster.

"I'm going to take those off her." her hand already working the buckles even as she tries so hard to avoid actually touching Rachel. But Rachel's fingers are a bit quicker as she feels the softest of pressure on her pulse point of her wrist before she frees the last buckle and quickly pulls her hands away.

Detective Collins stepping forward as well only to have Santana block him. "There's already an officer stationed outside and we'll both be here to wait for her doctor." Her voice challenging and her words almost predictive as a harried doctor enters, clipboard in hand as she walks over to the bed and looks at all the occupants of the small room before taking her stethoscope out and placing it on Rachel's chest.

Quinn uses the time to look Rachel over, noting the bruises marring her arms and legs and a cut along her neck. She can't deny that Rachel still looked as beautiful as she remembered but right now, she just

looked lost and broken and Quinn knows she has to fix her or at the very least ensure that she had the best defence attorney she knew. Quinn finally looking at Santana, her eyes pleading and relief floods over her when she sees Santana nod.

"Can she be discharged today?" Santana wonders if Brittany would consider flying to LA and taking a break from her way Quinn was looking at her and the amount of trouble Rachel was in all pointed to an extended stay in LA for her. And even if the weather was better than New York and she could work on her tan and swim in the ocean, she knows she needs her wife as much as Quinn needed Rachel even if she would never ever admit it.

"Most of her injuries are superficial but she does have a minor concussion so someone needs to stay with her for the next few days. Lots of rest and I guess no filming of your show. I just wanted you to know that my partner and I watch you every week and your voice is amazing." The doctor gushes as Rachel tries to smile, always knowing that having fans was a gift and even if she was on the verge of breaking down, she couldn't show any of it.

"Tthank you...would you like an..an autograph?" Her voice soft as she rubs her wrists, trying to get her circulation back. Detective Collins actually handing her his pen as she spends the next few minutes learning the name of her doctor and partner before signing an autograph for them.

It's a much needed diversion which Rachel wishes would last longer but it doesn't and she's again left with the glaring knowledge that she's screwed up so badly and as much as she wants Quinn to be there for her, she can't let it happen.

"You asked if I needed anything?" She poses the question to Detective Collins who nods in return. "Can you call my manager? She'll take me home and stay with me and I'll..." Rachel trails off as she finally looks at an increasingly pissed off Santana, who's staring right at her before glancing worriedly at Quinn.

"I'll come in and do the interview but only if Santana is with me." Rachel remembers how tenacious Santana was as a lawyer and while she won't accept comfort from Quinn she knows she can't afford to take a chance with how much trouble she knows she's in.

Quinn knows that it's not a rejection even if it feels like one. She can see Rachel struggling with so many things, almost overwhelmed and she knows her presence is adding to it. "Santana and I are staying at the Four Seasons, if you...Please just take care, Rachel." She turns swiftly on her heel before the tears come.

At least she gets to say goodbye this time but it really does not hurt any less as she runs down the corridor, needing to find the exit. She manages to pull herself together in the half an hour it takes Santana to make the arrangements with Rachel and the detective such that when the Latina joins her outside, she hands her a cup of coffee and sips from her own, looking as composed as she can.

Santana's not fooled though as she sighs and sits next to Quinn on the bench outside the hospital. On any other occasion, it would be considered a beautiful day in LA, sun shining, gentle breeze and clear blue skies. Only, she was sitting next to her broken hearted best friend who just got her heart ripped yet again and Santana does not know how to help except maybe to get Quinn drunk or call her wife because Brittany always knew the right thing to say.

"It's way too early to get drunk so here." She hands her already dialled phone to Quinn who let's out a shaky breath before reaching out for it.

"Hey Britt...No I'm ok..." her eyes slip shut as she bites her lip at Brittany's mild rebuke. "Yeah...it was rough but she's awake and talking. San's going to help and I..." Quinn stops again, not really sure what she could do until she hears Brittany's voice telling her exactly what she needs such that she finally smiles for the first time in over twenty four hours.

"Ok, I promise. I love you too and anytime you even want to leave S..." She does nothing to avoid the punch on her shoulder that Santana delivers and just giggles with Britt before handing the phone over.

She thinks she can handle this as she tilts her head up to catch the sun and feels Santana's shoulder touching hers even as the Latina talks to her wife over the phone. They stay that way for over an hour, Quinn knowing she can't leave until she sees Rachel does.

There's a few paparazzi already waiting by the entrance and when a black Mercedes pulls up, she gets to her feet just in time to see Rachel emerging, sunglasses over her eyes and a floppy hat. But it's not Rachel that gets her entire attention because the woman holding her hand,supporting her looked so damned familiar.

Recognition hitting her like a freight train as soon as she sees Rachel look in her direction. The woman with Rachel was her manager but more than that, she was the one she had seen Rachel kissing in LA three years ago. They've been together all this time and Quinn finally accepts that she has truly been replaced.

She hears Rachel call her name but she does not stop as she swiftly walks away.

**End Part 4**


	5. Chapter 5

 

**Meant To Be**

**Part V**

_**"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."**_

_**― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves**_

The last time she had taken a nap in the afternoon was two years ago. She had been down with a raging fever and it was more her losing consciousness than actually making up for lost sleep. So when she had laid her head back on the couch in her room as Santana carried on a conversation through the connecting door between their rooms, she didn't expect to drift off or for Santana to let her.

But she had and right now jolts awake as her phone rings. She's still disoriented such that she answers it without seeing who the caller is, her voice tinged with sleep still as she murmurs hello. Her eyes acclimatising to the dimness of the room as her brain tries to assimilate her current situation.

"Quinn?" The voice is familiar even in her sleepy state but she does feel an acute pang of disappointment deep within because in her heart, she was hoping to hear a different voice, mellifluous and resonate. But the woman on the phone deserved her attention too.

"Jess..Hi, I...why are you calling?" Quinn sits up from the sofa, Santana's jacket falling to the floor as her free hand runs through her hair. She can see that it's just getting to dusk and wonders why Jess is calling. Only to hear her answer just as her brain finally plays catch up and she realises she had not only missed their date but didn't even call to tell Jess that she was flying across the country.

"I'm at the restaurant and just managed to grab your favourite table. So what do you think ...tapas or do you want to split a salad instead?" Jess Goldman's smile dims when she detects just a hint of apprehension in the timbre of Quinn's voice. She tries not to sigh into the phone, instead covering by clearing her throat. "Is everything ok?"

The word skittish had nothing on Quinn and Mika had warned her. Not breaching doctor patient confidentiality but more warned her about not hurting Quinn. Her cousin couldn't even be specific but every time they met, Mika would tell her to take things slow and if she did end up hurting Quinn, Mika would actually kick her ass.

Considering she was five eight and Mika was five two and about a hundred pounds, it would have been funny if not for the fact that she could tell her cousin was dead serious. Quinn had helped Tomo but she had also been Mika's friend in college and to her cousin that made her family probably even more than Jess considering she only joined the O'Neil clan when her mom married Mika's divorced uncle three years ago.

She had first seen Quinn drop Mika off at one of their usual family functions. The second time she had spotted the blonde was at Thanksgiving last year. Tomo had picked her up and twirled her around and the sound of her laughter had been enchanting. They had managed to exchange hellos and small talk before Mika stepped in, giving her the evil eye and proceeded to monopolise Quinn's time all night.

It had taken two other near misses before she decided to just ask Mika. However, seeing Quinn come out of her office, her shoulders slumped and looking wrecked, had given her pause. Being Mika's patient complicated matters in her mind.

But seeing Quinn like that also made her feel protective and she realised that even though it was obvious she was incredibly attracted to Quinn, Jess realised that she also wanted to take the time to get to know the blonde.

Quinn was an enigma, beautiful and approachable but so cautious about revealing parts of herself and it fascinated Jess as much as it made her want to just kiss her.

So giving Quinn space and taking it slow was just part of getting to know Quinn and instead of pushing further, she takes a breath and waits for her answer.

"I'm in LA." Quinn knows her voice sounds uncertain and just a tad guilty and she does feel the guilt build up within considering it never crossed her mind to call Jess and worse yet, she had completely forgot about their date.

"Oh...Is it the deal you're working on...wait let me try and get it right..Um, the buy out of the Securities company by the big evil hedge fund in LA?" She loves hearing Quinn talk about her work and to be honest it's more Quinn's voice than her words but even hearing words like Mergers, Credit spread and GAAP results sounded sexy when Quinn said them.

She can picture Quinn's smile at her artistic license in paraphrasing and hopes that it didn't mean Quinn would be gone longer than a few days, "And more importantly, when are you coming back so we can have this wonderful date that you are completely missing out on?" Her voice is light even if she does miss Quinn and was so looking forward to spending time with her tonight.

Quinn does not even think of lying but she does pause because she does not want to hurt Jess and knows her subsequent words will do just that, "I...it's not the deal, at least not this time. I'm here because... " She trails off as she does not really know what to say considering she was here to help Rachel even though it seems like that Rachel didn't need or want her here.

"Rachel Berry...she's a ...friend in LA and I think she may need some help...I was in such a hurry that I forgot...I'm so sorry, Jess." Quinn pinches the bridge of her nose, feeling the onset of a stress headache even as she knows that she seems to unintentionally want to sabotage her relationships.

Jess does finally sigh out loud, wondering if she was deluding herself here. She really, really like Quinn and knew enough about her ex to guess that Quinn was cautious with her because she didn't want to get hurt again. "No, it's fine...I mean I'm bummed that you're not here but I..I mean you're you and helping her...helping people, its something that you're predisposed to doing. I understand and you need to tell me if you need something to remind you of New York, you know..bagels, coffee from Joel...me."The last word said so softly and tentatively but it's intention still clear.

Quinn does finally smile even if she still feels like she's tied up in knots inside, "Order the salad and ask for extra snow peas and radishes and I...I do miss you." Her voices goes soft at the end as well, perfectly matching Jess's.

"Call me if you need to talk or miss hearing the traffic or just call." She's been so confident in all her past relationships, always setting the pace while at the same time being pursued. With Quinn, she feels like everything is new and different and a bit scary in that one wrong move or word could turn Quinn away. However Jess knows that she's worth the pursuit and the space and just hopes that Quinn wasn't going to get hurt by Rachel again because it would mean she would definitely have to take Rachel down a peg even it meant flying to LA to do it.

"I will. I promise I won't forget. Bye Jess." Quinn hangs up knowing that she truly means her words, it would be good to talk to Jess, to look forward instead of back to the past. She knows she will do everything in her power to help Rachel, give up everything she had except she needed to continue to hide her heart.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

"So the evidence we have so far is inconclusive?" Grant knows the answer to his question but he still asks it just in case. To be fair, he is actually a little bit relieved that he does not have to arrest Rachel Berry, at least not yet.

"There's powder burns on her hands and on the victim's. But there was so much blood on both that it's more or less useless. We still don't have the weapon and time of death was between 3pm and 5pm and she was seen close to 4pm on set before she left. It's close to an hour to get to the canyon and that's on a good day. Traffic was backed up on the I95." Officer Tay reads off his notebook.

"Definitely not enough. But, she and her attorney are coming in tomorrow. You never know, she could feel guilty and confess." His semi joke not going over too well with Grant when he sees the other man scowl. "The tox screen results came back early, apparently celebrity names gets you a rush job. And she tested positive for cannabinoids and opiates plus benzos."

It wasn't a lethal cocktail but it did point to more than just recreational usage. Grant doesn't want to believe that the woman in the hospital was so stupid as to want to damage her voice and life for a transient high but it's not the first time he's come across this type of story or this level of stupidity.

He won't judge her though, not yet. He does want to understand her and maybe help. He's glad that she at least has a good lawyer, having looked up Santana Lopez and seen her record. It was impressive for someone so young. He had clicked on a few other links as well. The way the blonde had tried her best to not look at her in the hospital room was evidence enough that there was a story there.

Seeing old pictures of them when she was still on Broadway hinted that they were close and most definitely together but definitely not anymore considering the number of different partners she had been photographed with since.

Most often with her manager who not surprisingly had a passing resemblance to the blonde lawyer. "She was lucky she didn't have any pills on her. We'll try and hold her for a day, maybe get her to tell us what she thinks happened." He's flipping through the drug report and shakes his head, "I'm still surprised she was conscious with all of this in her. How does someone who's so damn talented and has so much going for her fall this far?"

Officer Tay shrugs his shoulders, not knowing the answer either.

#$#$#$#$#$#

"So you can't remember anything?" Rachel shakes her head at the question even if Schuyler's voice is disbelieving. She can barely remember her full name much less the nightmare of two days ago and she's actually glad for it. Now all she needed was to forget what happened in the hospital room.

"Here." Rachel looks at down at Schuyler's open palm, the two white pills looking innocuous even if she knows that they're not at all. Normally, she wouldn't even pause before she'd dry swallow them, craving the solitude and distance they gave her. But right now, she can't get Quinn's face out of her mind and to be honest, it's been so long that she had actually thought she couldn't conjure her image any longer when things got particularly tough.

However, seeing Quinn in the hospital, even if she was awashed with so much shame, meant she could remember again how beautiful she was and how once, a long time ago, Quinn would look at her, as if she was special, as if she was loved.

And the accompanying ache she feels when she thinks of it finally spurs her on as her hand shakily reaches out to take the pills. She sees Schuyler smile and tries to return it only it feels so wrong and foreign.

"Just take them and go rest, ok? I need to make a few calls and then I'll join you." The kiss is quick before Rachel is turned around and she feels a gentle push towards her bedroom. The pills are still in her hand and she feels like she's fighting an inner battle. A part of her needing to disappear while another part, just revelling in remembering the recent encounter with Quinn.

She sits at the edge of the bed, staring into her open hand but her mind a million miles away when Schuyler finally enters. "Rach?" The voice is different and her hair is lighter and Rachel knows its not Quinn. The hand on her cheek is warm and her eyes slip shut.

Only the past melds into her present and all she feels is this need to be held, to kiss lips that were made for her, to lose herself but gain so much more because it was an inevitability that she loved and was loved in return. Her heart given away so long ago and all she is waiting for is for its return.

Rachel feels herself being undressed and she keeps so still, her eyes still shut because she does not want to face her present, the picture in her minds eye so much better. The first kiss is always the hardest. Remembering what it was like to kiss Quinn, the yearning deep within, building up until it overflowed and all she felt was a sense of flight and falling.

She shivers when Schuyler's hand takes hers, her voice husky and commanding, "Rachel, open your eyes." She can feel her tears leak out and it's all just too much as she jerks upwards, her shoulder hitting Schuyler's chin, the pain giving her enough focus to make it to the bathroom.

She hears Schuyler cursing out loud but ignores all of it as she curls in the corner, her forehead touching the cool marble wall. The light is too bright for her and she squeezes her eyes shut trying to block it out as much as she tries to block out Schuyler who stalks in naked and angry.

"What the hell. The pills are suppose to mellow you out, not make you crazy. Rachel. Are you listening to me? This is ridiculous. First you go all crazy at Jesse's and now this. What is wrong with you?" Schuyler rubs her chin, wondering if it was really worth it.

She had met the brunette early on and had been completely enchanted by the fact the she hadn't been jaded despite being in the business in one form or another. Coming from Broadway gave her experience but in all other things, she was almost innocent which was a big turn on.

Jesse had been like a pit bull, guarding her in the beginning but it was easy to guess his weakness the first time she saw him doing a line at one of the parties she had thrown. Getting to know Rachel had been almost impossible though. They way she would constantly talk about her girlfriend back east and the fact she didn't drink.

Schuyler had just about give up until that one night. Maybe it was serendipity or just her tenacity that caused the change or maybe it was the fact the Rachel had been so lonely and she should have stopped her from taking that first pill.

That first kiss made her fall for Rachel and each subsequent one made her stay, through the depression and hissy fits and the ever growing drug habit. It had been recreational at the start and she knew when to stop but she had to admit that Rachel didn't any more.

The frantic call two days ago had scared the hell out of her and she knows that no one can ever find out what happened and she hopes that Rachel never remembers and maybe the continued usage of the pills will help her forget.

"I'm sorry." " Sorry", their words overlap and Rachel finally reaches out, needing that touch to centre her even if it's never going to be the person she wants, she knows that she at least ended up with someone she deserves.

"I...I didn't take them." Her voice is small as her eyes shift away.

"Rachel...what do you want?" She sounds weary and to be honest, she's bone tired, not having slept since she got the call from Rachel two days ago and got dragged into the mess that was their life.

Rachel wishes she could really articulate the need she's been suppressing of too damn long but the words are stuck in her hear. So she just bites down on her lower lip even as she finally meets Schuyler's hazel eyes. It's the only thing they really had in common but to Rachel, it was enough.

She sees her turn back towards the room and before long, there's the two pills again and a glass of water. This time Schuyler waits until she swallows them before leading her back to bed. She tries to fall asleep, hoping the meds help but Rachel knows she's just too wound up such that she feels Schuyler drift off yet still she just can't seem to shut her brain off. The pills allowing her to calm down but not to relax.

It's only when she turns to her side and sees the phone by the side of the bed does she realise what she needs right this second. The number comes to her almost instantaneously as her fingers fly over the pad.

However, when the call does connect, Rachel belatedly realises that she does not know what to say.

"Hello." The voice on the other end like a lifeline. Rachel wants to reach out, desperately so but as always, all her words, all of them are stuck in her head. Her hand grips the phone so tightly that it starts to cramp but then she hears it.

"Rachel?"

The voice so familiar but more than that, she feels her heart thud in her chest and like always, she knows that it beats for Quinn.

**End Part 5**


	6. Chapter 6

 

**Meant To Be**

**  
**

**“ _Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star._**

**_It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago._**

**_Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”_**

**_― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun_**

Quinn doesn't care that her clothes are rumpled and she has no fucking idea where she needs to go. She's out of her room and in the elevator, the phone held so tightly to her ear because she can hear Rachel breathing, that sound intimately familiar.

"Tell me where I need to go, please. Just tell me and I'll be there." She presses the button for the lobby and tries not to look at the polished surface of the elevator reflecting back a sight she knows will only make her stop.

That look of desperation marring her features would've been enough to stop her except she can't not go to Rachel especially since she had reached out first by calling. Quinn also knows that she's just opening herself up for a boatload of more hurt and she won't be able to withstand the deluge when it comes but her self preservation does not kick in because she can feel that Rachel needs her.

She can hear that unsaid need of Rachel's, the way she's breathing over the phone. It's not the first time she's received a call from an LA area code, the last time about a year and a half back and if Rachel had said even one word, she would have flown across the country immediately.

Only, the call had lasted for about half a minute and all she managed to hear was someone in the background calling Rachel's name before the call had disconnected. Luckily, by then, she had started seeing Mika and even if she never talked about the phonecall, she at least managed to come to terms that while Rachel did reach out, she didn't want to say anything to her.

Right now though, the connection is still there but tenuous and Quinn hopes that Rachel will finally cross the divide. "Please Rachel, please just answer me." The plea in her voice is so strong as she holds her own breath. And then she hears it, a voice she's only dreamt about, "Cabrillo beach..there's an aquarium there. It's closed but..."

She does not want to give Rachel a chance to change her mind "I'll meet you there. Rachel...I'm...I'm glad you called." Quinn does not want to hang up the phone, the need to form that link to Rachel so strong that it almost takes her breath away. 

And when Rachel finally ends the call, Quinn's unsure that she'll even see Rachel at the beach. She does not want to get her hopes up and knows that she would be more than devastated if Rachel didn't show. However, she acknowledges that she really didn't have a choice here. She was forever tied to Rachel, even if she knows that she has moved on at least in her mind if not in her heart.

#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel always feels cold in LA even though the weather in New York was harsher, it was always easier to endure when she had Quinn's arms around her and that warm, inviting voice in her ear. She pulls her jacket tighter  even as she tries to navigate through the light traffic. Her head feels heavy and she knows she's courting more danger by driving while not completely lucid. 

But she's driven by an impetus so strong that she can't ignore it with drugs or thoughts of Schuyler anymore. Seeing Quinn had unleashed something within. She turns off the air conditioning in the car and opens the car windows, one of her old songs playing softly on the radio as she sings under her breath. She had written it for Quinn even if she never got the chance to tell her. 

That need to be close to Quinn in any way, it was always there even in High School, only she just didn't understand the depth of her feelings then. But they were always connected somehow. Revolving around each other, trying to connect and each time she failed, she would take it personally. It got so much better when they both moved east, not together but those train tickets that Quinn had bought meant so much.

More than the tickets though, it was the way Quinn listened to her and once in a while it was the way she would look at her when Quinn thought she wasn't looking. Rachel had the hardest time placing the look because she just could not believe Quinn wanted to be her friend and therefore did not even contemplate that Quinn could even want more.

Rachel had always known that she could be too self involved and that first two years of college was probably hell for Quinn but she never showed any of it. She was always just there for Rachel and even now, Rachel realises that she would have never recovered from Finn's death if Quinn hadn't been there.

And she was here now, still saving her and Rachel wonders if she was worth it. In fact she kind of knows she's not but it does not stop her from finally speeding up, anticipation building within of seeing Quinn again.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

Quinn does not expect the crowds and bonfires and wonder if she had heard Rachel correctly. She feels a bit self conscious as people milling around stare at her out of place crumpled Armani suit, wondering why she was there.

She sees the sign for the aquarium and the notices of the grunion run and bonfire night and finally gets why it's so crowded tonight. Unlike Rachel, Quinn didn't like crowds, she always felt too closed in when there were too many people about.

Rachel, however blossomed when there were more than a few people about, somehow drawing their attention even when she wasn't singing, people would look. She would say that they were looking at Quinn as well considering the blonde was just that beautiful. And truth be told, when they were together they did turn heads mainly because they looked so good together, so in love.

It's then that she spots her, shoulders hunched and trying to disappear behind a hoodie. Quinn's heart constricts at the sight of Rachel, looking lost and just so small. She wishes she had worn jeans and could stuff her hands in the pockets and stop herself from reaching out.

Only she's a goner as soon as their eyes meet, pushing forward as she finally envelopes Rachel in a hug. At least she manages to stop the overflow of words in her head, knowing she can't in anyway say the things she wants to.

So it's Rachel who finally speaks first. "Thank you for...for meeting me. I know..it's crowded but it's the grunion run and no one..I won't get recognised and I..." she trails off as she revels in the proximity of Quinn, inhaling her scent and holding her close for longer than she should, only letting go when she feels Quinn shift.

"Grunion run?" There's a smile in Quinn's questioning voice and Rachel feels at ease, like they're connected again as she nods and looks up at the full moon, her hand still resting on Quinn's arm.

"During Summer and when there's a full moon or a new moon, thousands of these tiny silvery fish swim to shore and spawn." She blushes when she sees Quinn's eyes widen before the blonde actually throws her head back and laughs. 

Out of all the things she had prepared herself to expect tonight, this did not even rank. It was crazy and so very Rachel and just like that the ache in her heart just intensifies even if she's laughing on the outside.

The sound of Quinn's laughter is so familiar even if she hadn't heard it in years and her grip tightens around Quinn's arm, that point of contact anchoring her and she acts without pause, pulling Quinn close, her free hand tangled in Quinn's hair as her lips finally find home.

There's no thinking, just action and reaction on Rachel's part, knowing that she needs this until she feels Quinn push back, uttering the words that breaks the spell and breaks her heart. 

"Please,no." She knows that there will always be this thing between them, always. Quinn just won't accept it because she can't trust her heart much less Rachel. She regconizes parts of her but not all of her anymore. "I can't Rachel. I'm sorry."

People are jostling around them and Rachel wishes she could disappear into the crowd, her cheeks flamed red partly with embarrassment but mostly just plain arousal from having Quinn so close. "I know...I know, it's ok,.....I know." She says words she doesn't mean because she doesn't really know why they're not kissing, hell, she doesn't have a freaking clue why they're not doing more like those damn fucking fish on the shore.

Rachel gets that she's projecting a hell of a lot and they're not together anymore and haven't even seen each other for three years. But all of it didn't matter because the second she saw Quinn, everything came flooding back, all those nights spent in each other's embrace, waking up in the morning limbs entangled and feeling tired but so sated and satisfied.

The tears just come and she clamps her hands over her mouth because she does not want to cry out loud. The feel of Quinn's arms pulling her close and encircling her is almost too much to bear and then she hears the words.

"Pretty women 

Blowing out their candles or

Combing out their hair,

Even when they leave

They still are there.

They're there"

Quinn's voice singing in her ear, each word meaning so much to her, to them. And when their eyes meet, she knows hers are pleading and wonders if Quinn will understand. At least she's manage to stop crying, the torrent of tears held at bay by sheer will and not wanting to draw further attention to either of them.

It's when she feels Quinn's hand trail down her arm to hold her hand, tugging slightly, as she leans in again, "Let's go find some fish." It's like a reprieve as her fingers curl around Quinn's both knowing that they're not together even if all their actions say otherwise.

Quinn steers through the crowd, avoiding the bonfires and sticking to the where the waves break on the shore. There are kids running around them with buckets filled with fish they had caught, squealing each time a wave approaches but unafraid because they're excited to see the small silvery fish wriggling in the sand.

It's chaotic and loud, the wind whipping around them but Rachel does not feel cold or scared. For once, she just let's herself be as bends down to touch the wet sand, her fingers trailing random patterns.

Quinn knows she needs to talk to Rachel and try and find out what help she needs. She does not want to stare but it's been so long that she can't help but look at Rachel when the brunette turns to look at three little girls crowding around the mass of fish that had just washed ashore.

It takes all her willpower not to reach out but at least she gets to look at Rachel, to see that strong profile and that nose that she absolutely loves. The word so natural in her head although she will never utter it out loud.

She does not avert her eyes when Rachel turns her head and smiles. It's familiar and warm but looking at it hurts when she realises that it doesn't mean anything as she does not know this Rachel any longer.

The smile and feel of her hasn't changed but Quinn knows that she has. "Are you with her?" She cannot be more specific than that but can see that Rachel understands as she dusts off the sand from her hands and stands to face her before nodding.

It hurts but at least she knows for certain that she can move on. "I'm still going to be there for you...help you. You deserve to be happy." Quinn's voice is firm if somewhat resigned but she truly means what she says as she reaches out to hug Rachel, knowing that all she ever wanted was for the brunette to smile and be happy.

The words come unbidden and possibly unwanted but they echo within and she can't help but whisper them aloud, "You made me happy." Rachel's voice is soft but Quinn catches allof it. The use of past tense the most prominent and highlighting that perhaps things from the past needed to remain there and she had to look forward.

"You still m.." Rachel feels embolden to continue until Quinn cuts her off, her words cutting at her heart but at least she does not show it externally, keeping her face neutral.

"I'm seeing someone, I ...she's...." She's at a loss of words as soon as she sees unshed tears sparkling in Rachel's big brown eyes.

"I know...I mean it's ok,I understand." She turns away, her hand quickly swiping away the tears, not wanting Quinn to see her cry and feel even more sorry for her. Everything that had occurred was her doing and regret or wishes wouldn't change anything. Her head is back to feeling muddled as she feels lightheaded.

Quinn notices the change almost immediately and catches Rachel before she tumbles to the ground, her body limp as her head rolls back. "Rachel? Baby, what's wrong?" the endearment rolling off her tongue before she can stop herself as she tries to hold Rachel upright.

"It's nothing." Rachel tries to stand, as her hands go to her handbag, rummaging inside, trying to find the bottle. She can still feel Quinn's strong arms around her and she really doesn't want to, knowing that it doesn't mean what she hoped it meant. Her hand finally finding her much needed distraction as she takes it out and fumbles with the cap only to feel Quinn's hand wrap around hers.

"Let me." Quinn's voice so kind that she does not think as she let's her have the bottle only to belatedly realise her mistake when she sees Quinn read the label and note that it's not her name on the prescription.

"Who's Schuyler Hansen and why are you taking her meds?" she regconizes Quinn's lawyer voice and remembers that Quinn had never really used it on her in their relationship and perhaps her using it now was telling.

"She's my manager and they're mine. We use her name so that.." She can see Quinn doesn't believe her but it had been the truth once. "So that no one will know that I need them to..sleep. I can't sleep, Quinn. I need to sleep and I haven't been able to since..There's all this pressure and I'm not...I can't ..I'm not the star and I need.. " she won't let herself admit it not after knowing Quinn was also seeing someone.

Quinn knows what Rachel is holding back and it doesn't make her feel good. Instead, she feels guilt build up and the offer is made even before she understands it's implications, "You're in no state to drive so I'm going to take you back to the hotel and you can rest in my room and I'll bunk in with Santana. Then we can accompany you in for the questioning in the morning."

And just like that they're both hit by a reality that's harsh and can't be ignored even if she wishes otherwise. Her Rachel was saddled with issues and not really hers anymore. She was here to help Rachel and then get back to her life, to Jess and no complications.

Rachel nods at the offer even if she knows that Quinn's remembering her from before and helping her out of guilt more than love. She hands Quinn her car keys and lets the blonde drive them back, her song playing again in the background until Quinn switches it off.

#$#$#$#$#$#

She remembers making out in elevators and getting bruises from being pushed against hotel room doors as Quinn kissed her senseless. Only this ride is silent as Quinn leads her to the room, placing some clothes on the bed before turning to the connecting door.

"Stay with me." Rachel knows she's asking too much but Quinn will acquiesce regardless of what it will cost her, "at least until I fall asleep." She amends her need and scoots to the centre of the bed before turning to her side.

She feels the bed dip and Quinn's arm drape across her middle as she finally closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep. The soft voice that finally sends her off so loving and familiar. "You'll still my star."

#$#$#$#$#$

She feels scared but not alone any longer as she walks up the stairs of the police station, flanked by Quinn and Santana. The three photographers more of a surprise than Quinn taking her hand and manoeuvring her body to block their view. 

Santana's scowl enough of a distraction that they're inside before more pictures of her can be taken. In all honesty, she's looked worse and being taken in Quinn's jeans and Santana's jacket but at least looking healthy, was a big improvement.

"Just relax Rachel, it's only a few questions and if you need a rest or a break or a shot of jack or.."

"S." Quinn cuts her off and she rolls her eyes for Rachel's benefit, hoping that her best friend and the woman who still has her heart both relax and let her do her job because she's damn good at it.

"I'll let them know that you're here and I mean it Rachel, I'll be with you all the way and just don't worry, I promise I'll get you through this." She says the words to Rachel even as she catches Quinn's eyes, knowing she was making a promise to her as well.

She had found them sleeping in Quinn's room and it made her worried enough to call her wife, needing advice and time to calm down because all she wanted to do was to bundle the both of them back to New York and lock them up in Quinn's apartment until they were together again.

Only she knows that they're not together even if their limbs are intertwined and Quinn's entire body seems to cocoon Rachel, protecting her even in sleep.

"Thanks." Rachel still sounds unsure but she can see that it's more due to Quinn finally self-consciously releasing her hand. 

"Ms Berry, thank you for coming." They all turn at the voice of Detective Collins, his appearance expected but not the officer next to him who heads straight for Rachel, his handcuffs out. "I'm sorry to do this but you're under arrest."

"What? no." Quinn again steps in front, trying to protect Rachel as Santana pulls at his sleeve.

"You said questioning, what happened? What changed since yesterday?" She takes the paper he hands her and scans it quickly, wanting to stop this from escalating as she sees Quinn push the officer's hands away. "What new evidence?"

His gut tells him that Rachel Berry is a lot of things but he can't see her as a murderer only he finally has proof that she was at least there when Jesse St.James had died.

"Her manager just turned in a voice message where she's hysterical and we can hear Mr.St.James in the background sounding hurt. It's dated and time stamped."

Rachel hears all of it but what finally makes her react is when she sees Quinn being pushed towards the wall, her face contorting in pain. 

"It's ok, I ..don't please it's ok." She's pleading to Quinn even as she thrust her hands out offering them to the officer, "It's fine, don't hurt her." She won't look at Quinn instead hanging her head down as her hands are once again cuffed behind her. 

Quinn not knowing what to do as she sees Rachel being taken away. "Her manager..." Santana looks up at her words, waiting for Quinn to finish, hoping that her instinct is wrong but knowing she'll back her up regardless.

"I'm going to find her. You get Rachel out." She wants to argue but Quinn has that look and she knows she'll lose.

"Quinn.." she sees Quinn turn to stare at her, her eyes still pleading but her jaw set. "Don't kick her ass....too much. I'll get Rachel out."

**End pt 6**


	7. Chapter 7

 

**Meant To Be**

_**"In a perfect world, you could fuck people without giving them a piece of your heart. And every glittering kiss and every touch of flesh is another shard of heart you'll never see again."** _

_**― Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things** _

Schuyler loves Rachel, she really does even though she knows that Rachel does not love her as much. In most instances, it wasn't obvious and it never bothered her because when Rachel was with her, she was there in all ways. And it was just once in a while, when Rachel would get this look in her eye and Schuyler could tell Rachel wasn't thinking of her when they kissed or fucked.

She's literally seen Rachel disappear internally and though she could feel the brunette responding to her touch and her desperate kisses, she could tell that Rachel was thinking of someone else especially when the brunette would close her eyes and tears would leak out.

It's all the justification she needs to convince herself that everything she's done has been for Rachel's own good. Jesse had been the one who had scored the drugs for Rachel that first time and she had tried her best to at least ensure that Rachel didn't stray to the hard core stuff and just stuck to pills.

Even going as far as to doctoring the pill dosages to ensure that they were not as potent as Rachel wanted. She hated the fact that she had to check Rachel's handbags and pray each time that she wouldn't find any needles or worse packets of white powder.

She had once and it scared her but not as much as last night when she had turned over in bed to find Rachel gone, her phone abandoned on the side table and the bottle of pills not there. It was scary to the point of her freaking out and calling the police because in her mind she had immediately gone to worse case scenarios of blood and death and Jesse's body slumped against the wall with Rachel curled next to it. Only instead of Jesse, she could imagine Rachel taking his place.

The call to the police had been frantic as she held the crumpled card of Detective Collins in her fist.

_"I'm sorry but unless she's been gone longer than 24 hours or..." Detective Collins had paused and she could hear him sigh over the phone. "Unless we have reason to believe she is involved in the current investigation, we can't do anything except wait for her to come in tomorrow."_

_"What if she's hurt or.." 'High', she thinks it but won't say it out loud. She really doesn't know if Rachel would hurt herself or worse, the fear growing exponentially such that she does something she knows she will forever regret. "I have a voicemail..."_

_She knows he's a good detective when he does not say anything and just waits for her, giving her a chance to_ _decide what she wants to do. And she makes the only decision she thinks she can, putting her relationship on the line because she does not know what else she can do for Rachel._

_"She left it a few days ago and you can hear Jesse in the background. If I give it to you, could you please just find her. Please." She extracts at least that promise from him before quickly showering and driving around LA, not aimlessly but trying to spot Rachel's baby blue Prius. Even venturing to where she knows Jesse would score his drugs from, thankful at least that she does not find Rachel there._

_She's exhausted by the time the sun rises but goes into the office, hoping for a call to tell her that Rachel's ok. And when it comes, it does not bring relief but just sadness that this was the only way she could protect Rachel from others and from herself._

The noise outside finally getting her attention and she realises that there are other battles to fight.

#$#$#$#$#$#

The building is relatively nondescript although Quinn knows it houses a powerful management agency and the woman running it was a force to be reckoned with if the quick research she had her assistant do was to be believed.

Schulyer Hansen was young, successful and powerful even by Hollywood standards and right now, all Quinn wanted to do was punch her in the face. She's unused to feeling so off kilter, normally always composed regardless of the type of meetings she was going to have. Her one rule was to always keep her emotions in check.

Always projecting a calm facade and planning all her moves in order to drive the best deal she could for her clients. But Rachel wasn't a client, she was her life and Quinn knows that she's just too emotionally invested and she shouldn't even contemplate having this meeting.

But Rachel's well being was at stake and she would do anything she could to ensure that nothing happened to her. Even if she had to break all of her own rules. She had before, all on account of Rachel from trying to bait Finn in High School to agreeing to attend a wedding she never supported and knew would hurt her to see. So she knows she won't stop now.

Quinn wishes she had brought more than one suit, the clothes like armour for her, a trigger to get into her fighting frame of mind. Although she knows she doesn't need the clothes and Schuyler Hansen was probably going to underestimate her due to her casual attire.

The receptionist looks like she just stepped out of a magazine but none of it, not the high end polished steel and leather furniture nor the Jeffrey Koons Celebration series oil paintings on the walls, none of it fazes her.

Quinn takes a breath before she bites out the words, barely able to keep her temper in check. "I'm here to see Schuyler Hansen." The woman's eyes widen slightly at her tone and posture but then starts to earn her probably too high salary.

"I'm sorry but you don't seem to be on the list. If you leave your name, I'm sure Ms Hansen." She emphasises the name,"will get back to you." Although her tone says fuck off in a manner that comes only with skill and lots of practice.

"I'm not leaving and you can tell that bi.."She tries to keep a rein on her temper, "I'm here about Rachel Berry and as one of the lawyers from Cravath, Swaine and Moore, I'm sure she will make the time." Quinn tosses her card on the table.

"Lucy Quinn Fabray." The use of her full name is unexpected as she turns to see the woman who had stolen Rachel from her and who perhaps Rachel had told her secrets to. The usage of her full name does not bother her but the fact that she knows of it from Rachel, really does.

"We can talk in my office." Schuyler does not wait for her response as she turns and walks to the big glass office in the corner. Everything about her screamed control and money and it bothers Quinn that people could say the same about her.

It really hits home when she sees the JD Harvard degree framed on the desk as Schuyler sits behind it and gestures for Quinn to sit in the leather chair facing her. Only she doesn't as she stalks towards the bay windows, her hands behind her back as she readies for war.

"She's been arrested because of what you did and you're sitting here still trying to make money off her. You're despicable and I'm going to ensure you never use her again." Quinn whirls around, her hands now in fists by her side and she hopes that Schuyler gives her a reason to lash out.

Her thumb on the outside of her fist and all she wants to do is hit the woman who she blames for everything that had transpired since Rachel got on the plane to LA years ago. She knows it's an unfair accusation but she remembers seeing Rachel being led away in cuffs and her anger spills over as she strides around the desk, her arm already pulled back.

"I love her." Schuyler's voice is actually sincere but it's the tears that stop Quinn as the woman before her crumples, "She needs help and I incriminated myself by giving that message to the police. At least now she's safe and no one can hurt her and she can't hurt herself..." She's crying, her words spilling out even as her hands go to cover her face.

"She's in jail and they think she killed Jesse. In what universe is that alright? If you know what happened, if you had anything to do with it, I'm going to make it my top priority to get you." Quinn's not thinking, just reacting, words spewing out. "You don't love her, you're her enabler and her pusher, nothing else." And she's not even considering anything Schuyler has said until her next words.

"I love her enough to ensure that most of what she takes are placebos and if she was involved in Jesse's death, what do you want me to do, hide it? She needs help and neither you nor I can help her. Jesse was stupid, careless and I tried to shield her. They'll come for her like they did Jesse."

Quinn's heart tells her that she can help Rachel even if she knows that maybe it really is too late. But then she gets that they're talking about Rachel. "You don't know Rachel. You don't know her. She would never ever be involved in this. I don't care what you think or what that message proves. I know Rachel and she wouldn't be involved."

She looks Schuyler in the eye, meaning every word and at last understanding that everything has changed except for her faith in Rachel and the fact that the woman before her didn't know her Rachel. It's then that she puts all of what Schuyler has said together and her conclusion scares her.

"Who killed Jesse? Is Rachel in danger? Is that why you got her arrested?" Her questions tumble out as she grabs at Schuyler's arm, pulling her out of the chair. both of her hands now encircling Schuyler's arms as she stands toe to toe with the woman, finally asking the question that she's actually afraid to hear the answer for.

"Will they come after her?" She sees Schuyler just stare at her and her reaction is visceral as she rears back and finally slaps the woman. "For someone who professes to love her, you seem to have no qualms about being so cavalier with her life. Why haven't you gone to the police...Detective Collins.."

"She doesn't remember anything and I hoped...I don't know what she saw or when she got there. All I know is that she was there when Jesse died but she can't remember any of it." Schuyler rubs her cheek, her own anger rising. "You broke up with her, remember. Didn't even take any of her calls. Face it, you abandoned her. You had your chance and you blew it. So you get one shot at me and that's it. Right now, all I care about is ensuring she's safe from herself and whomever is out there and no matter what you say or do, she's with me now, not you."

Schuyler wrenches free of Quinn's grasp before pressing the intercom button on her desk. "Get me Emerson from security." She eyes Quinn warily before sitting back down in her chair.

Quinn doesn't care that she's about to get kicked out, all her thoughts are currently centred around Rachel's well being and not her own and she sets her jaw and stands her ground. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me everything you know."

The woman who enters glances at Quinn but does not approach her, instead she looks at Schuyler. "She's still in custody and I'm sorry I lost her yesterday..I thought after the both of you got home..."

Schuyler waves off her remarks, her voice weary as well, "Can you get all the information you have on Jesse St. James and his...associates." that word is almost spat out as she closes her eyes and takes a breath. "We're going to the police with whatever you have."

The tall woman looks surprised before she glances at Quinn, not sure of she should say anything in front of her until Schuyler speaks again. "It's ok, she's...she's a friend of Rachel's." She stumbles on the word friend.

"It's not much, just pictures of Jesse with some people that they probably have on file, mainly small time dealers. No one who would do more than beat him up. The murder was ..." Again she stops and glances at Quinn, not wanting to say anything else.

"What?" Quinn knows she's missing something as she sees Emerson glance at Schuyler and her anger rises again as she slams her palm on the desk, the sound loud but she gets both their attention. "The only person I care about is Rachel and I don't care what laws you broke or what you did to get the information. All I want is a name, just point me in the right direction and I'll do the rest."

Quinn knows she's taking on too much and making promises she may not be able to keep but she knows that she would do everything in her power to look out for Rachel regardless of what it'll cost her. "Please, if you ...love her as much as you say you do then help me to help her." She knows she's pleading to the woman who had not only taken Rachel from her but whom stood by and let Rachel deteriorate before her eyes.

"Please." She doesn't care that she's pleading now because all she wants is to save Rachel. Schuyler finally opens her desk drawer and takes out a file.

"It's all in there. What she's been taking, a list of all the meds and prescriptions. The pictures of Jesse and the name of his main drug source. She was passed out in another bedroom when he was shot. As far as we can tell, she came to and found him when he was bleeding out. He may have told her who did it but she doesn't remember anything."

Quinn grabs the file, not wanting to spend another second here. She does not turn around even when she hears Schuyler call her name. It's only when she gets to the elevator and Schuyler finally catches up, grabbing a hold of her arm.

"You think you're helping her and maybe you are but when this is all over, you're not going to stay and that will hurt her more than anything else. I may be a bitch and her enabler but I was there for her and I will be there for her. Where were you?"

Schuyler's words stay with her even as she tries to ignore them. Her hands shaking as she tries to call Santana only to get her voicemail. In the end, she pulls over on the highway and stares at her phone, knowing that there were two people she could call and either one of them would help but choosing meant making a decision.

Jess told her to call if she needed anything and she knows Mika would answer unless she was with a patient.

In the end, she dials the number quickly and waits for it to connect, her words tumbling out when it does. "I need ..." Quinn takes a deep breath, "I need you."

#$#$#$#$#$#$

The interrogation was a nightmare only because she really had no answers for any of the questions. She remembered getting into her car after shooting her last scene on set and then the next thing she can recall with any clarity was being arrested at Jesse's house, covered in his blood and screaming her head off.

Santana had tried her best to run interference, touching her hand to still her words if she thought that the question was unfair or shouldn't be answered and in the end, when they had taken her to be processed, the Latina had promised to get her out as soon as she could.

So, Rachel doesn't cry, not when they stained her fingers to get her prints or when they took her photograph, turning her this way and that, the harsh lights shining in her eyes. She doesn't say anything as they take her clothes and make her take a shower, the woman police officer standing there staring at her the whole while.

She feels less and less like a person as she's herded from room to room, each time, each procedure stripping away a part of her such that when they finally search her, she doesn't feel cold hands prodding and pushing at her flesh as she's made to assume various demeaning positions.

She knows hours have passed when she's finally shown to her small cell and she settles on the small bed in the corner. The only thing keeping her from freaking out was that look that Quinn had given her as she was being led away.

Rachel had tried to keep her head down but as the door closed, she had finally worked up the courage to look up. And all she could see was Quinn looking stricken although there was no mistaking the love reflected on her face.

She can hear people in the cells around her, a few of them actually recognising her as she was led in and they call to her now, some taunting her while others asking for her autograph or for her to sing.

She pulls the pillow over her head but it does not drown out the sounds and its only then that she starts to panic, her breaths shallow even as she tries to suck in air. And she can't stop even when the officers come and she sees Santana in the background, looking so worried that there's a permanent crease on her forehead.

Rachel finally loses consciousness as she stares at Santana, wishing she were Quinn instead as she breaths out Quinn's name before her eyes slip shut.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#

Rachel thinks she's dreaming and really does not want to open her eyes because the voice whispering in her ear and the feel of strong arms around her is so familiar but she's scared that when she does, she'll see that she's back in a six by eight foot cell. And then she hears Quinn's voice, "Please wake up, please Rachel, I'm here and you're ok."

Her eyes blink open and she recognises Quinn's hotel room. The bed familiar but not as familiar as the feel of Quinn's embrace as she turns to stare into hazel eyes. "How did I...?

"Santana called in a favour from he ex professor at Fordham, his sister is a judge here. She signed your release and Detective Collins drove you over and carried you up in the service elevator...Rachel.."

It's the way Quinn says her name like she cares such that Rachel reaches out, her hands pulling at Quinn's clothes as she fumbles to undo buttons, her mouth already tasting Quinn, as she kisses her neck and elicits a moan from the blonde.

It's then that she feels Quinn's hand grab at hers, tapered fingers curling around her wrists, stopping her and she knows she shouldn't say it but she does. "Please..Quinn..I need...I need you, please. just this one time."

Rachel just needs to forget and she knows that without the drugs, there was only one person who could help her, who could consume all her thoughts. And even if she knows that what she's doing will hurt the both of them, she can't seem to stop as she again captures Quinn's lips, closing her eyes to the indecision she sees on Quinn's face.

"Please." she expels the word, so soft yet she knows that Quinn has heard her as she feels Quinn's hands fall away.

That one plea shattering all of Quinn's resolve as she pulls off her shirt and allows Rachel to undo the buttons on her jeans. Losing herself in the brunette as much as Rachel was trying to lose herself with her. The feel of Rachel so welcoming even though she knows that the choice she made in calling Jess was the right one.

**End Part 7**


	8. Chapter 8

 

**Meant To Be**

**_"Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart."_ **

**_-Haruki Murukami, Kafka on the Shore_ **

_She can smell the blood in the air and she knows that it's not a good thing which is why she screws her eyes tightly shut, not wanting to open them. But then she hears him calling to her, his voice strained and weak._

_"Rachel."_

_'Jesse' His name stuck is in her throat as fear grips her. A sense of dread weighing so heavy that she finds it hard to breathe. Her mind cannot seem to grasp any one thought as she tries to finally move. The room spins when she stands and she grabs the side of the bed to steady herself._

_And it's only when she throws up on the carpet that she feels a bit better. But she still does not want to leave the room despite the sour smell but when Jesse calls to her again, she screws up the courage to stagger outside the room and towards his voice. The cocktail of pills and alcohol is still coursing through her system and it affects all her senses but at least she manages to make it to his master bedroom._

_She sees him slumped against the white wall, his face ashen and blood pulsing out of his stomach and shoulder. His eyes are closed and she freezes at the door until she sees them flutter open. Rachel sees fear in them as she shuffles forward, slipping on his blood and falling down next to him._

_"No,no,no...no...God..no..no,no,no..no,no. Please God, no, no..." The litany continues in her head as she reaches out blindly, trying not to gag again as she feels his blood, warm and thick, coat her hands. She startles when he grabs her hand and presses down._

_Her brain is muddled so she tries to pull her hand out of his grip only to realise that she does need to press down on the wound and stop the blood flow. He tries to speak and she stares at his lips which are turning blue._

_"Remember..Toso..vic...Tosovic." The words don't make sense but Rachel can tell they're important because Jesse grabs her hand again such that she can't press down on his wound. "Help..me Rach." His head slumps back as she again presses down._

_"I...I should call..I should..." She stutters the words even as fear takes over and she starts to cry, "Jesse, please don't leave me..I'll get..help." She fumbles with the phone in her pocket and dials the first number that comes to mind._

_"Pick up, please Schuyler..if you're there pick up...I..don't to..do...please help..." She can hear Jesse mumbling in the background and she turns to see him looking at her as if wanting to say something._

_"I..never..liked..hhe" he passes out before he can finish the sentence and she drops the phone, this time she just wraps her arms around him, her head next to his as her tears fall, crying even harder as his arms come around her._

_She's covered in his blood but she doesn't care about it until she feels his hands fall away. Rachel's crying so hard that she has trouble catching her breath and when she spots his prescription bottles by the side table, she does not hesitate as she dry swallows the last two pills within one of them. She thinks she should try and leave but the pills work fast and she collapses before she's halfway across the room._

Rachel wants to believe its all just a nightmare but knows that its just pieces of her memory coming back. At least she knows she's currently safe when she opens her eyes and feels utter relief at the sight she sees. Quinn's on her stomach next to her, one hand tucked under her chin while the other is draped across Rachel. Placed on that expanse of skin peeking out between her shirt and the blanket covering her legs.

The entire situation so familiar and comforting that she has to blink a few times to accept that she's not waking up in their apartment in New York and still together. It would have been so easy to just believe the beautiful lie that Quinn still loves her and last night was just a new beginning.

But somehow even if she's screwed up everything since leaving New York and leaving Quinn, she at least managed to feel something last night. For so long, she's wanted to numb everything, not able to connect fully but craving that possibility.

It wasn't about forgetting or losing herself but remembering what it was like to feel loved and needed and acknowledging that in her heart, she's really only loved one person.

Her fingertips traces the side of Quinn's face, her blonde hair soft to the touch and the way her nose wrinkles in her sleep makes Rachel realise what she's been missing all these years of being apart. It's not an epiphany that suddenly hits her but just a realisation that she had been wanting and working towards things she didn't need.

She leans in, wanting to kiss Quinn but stops herself when she hears a soft knock on the connecting door. Instead, she slowly extricates herself from Quinn's touch and goes to open the door for Santana, who apparently still has that crease in her forehead as she stands there taking Rachel in.

She's not self conscious at her attire of only an oversized t-shirt that barely skims her thighs. It's more the look of semi-reproachment coupled with sadness that gets to her as she sighs and gestures to the small balcony, wanting to have the talk outside so that Quinn wouldn't be disturbed in her slumber. She grabs one of the hotel robes before following Santana out.

"How much trouble am I in?" Her heart is beating too fast and her hands are shaking and she can feel that need within to dampen all of it. She glances through the glass door and can see the bag she had left here the day before yesterday and knows the contents within.

But then Santana comes into her view and she knows she needs to face this at least. She's managed to run and ignore so much but she knows she can't ignore this like she couldn't ignore her need for Quinn last night.

"Enough to make Quinn and I put our lives on hold to come here and help but.."Santana sighs as she turns to look at the view and not at the brunette staring at her with those big brown eyes. It's too similar to the look Rachel had worn at the airport when she had agreed to be Quinn's emissary and tell her that Quinn meant what she had said when she had broken up with her.

Only now, the stakes were so much higher and she actually knows that things could turn out a hell of a lot worse and the pressure she feels to help is getting to her. And she actually craves a cigarette or just the feel of Brittany's arms around her because all this was just too damn real.

But?..." She hears Rachel echo her last word and finally turns around again.

"But getting her heart broken again..." She trails off as she sees anger and guilt take hold over Rachel such that she holds one hand up, " Fine..getting both your hearts broken again would just be too much. She's just getting on with her life and.."

This time Rachel cuts her off, "She left me. I know I screwed up somewhere but she just ...I still...She left me..I don't want to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her."

"Then why did she see you kissing your manager three years ago when she was ready to quit her job and be with you in LA?" The words are softly spoken but Santana can see their effect as Rachel stumbles backwards into the small chair in the corner, her legs giving away as one hand covers her mouth, her eyes wide and unbelieving.

Rachel swallows her cry as it all becomes clear, their breakup, Quinn completely shutting her out and the reason why Quinn won't give her another chance now. Last night had been more about comfort and she could see that even if Quinn still loved her, with every touch and kiss she bestowed, every moan and feeling she elicited, she just wouldn't let Rachel reciprocate.

It was about making her feel better, it was fulfilling what Rachel had asked for without opening herself up. "So I screwed up and I'm still screwing up. How do I...what do I need to do to fix it?" She's talking about all of it, her current fucked up life and her broken relationship with Quinn. She sees Santana looking at her askance before one hand goes to pinch the bridge of her nose while the other runs through her hair that looks too put together for such an early morning.

"First we need to clear your name. Prove you may have been there but you had nothing to do with Jesse's death. "She sees Rachel nod at that, looking a bit relieved at her words like she still was surprised they believed she didn't have a hand in Jesse's murder.

"No more pills either, I mean it Rachel. Starting right now." Again Rachel nods, not really sure she can just ignore the gnawing need within but she knows that she had used them to fill the void Quinn left so maybe with Quinn back, she truly didn't need them.

She looks expectantly at Santana, wanting to hear what else she needed to do, only the Latina stays silent, gnawing her lower lip between her teeth.

"What else, I mean it, anything, I'll do anything." Rachel stands up as she says the words, her legs still feeling shaky but she knows she would do anything.

"You're still with Schuyler and...She's finally smiling...not that fake Cheerios shit she used to pull but actually smiling like when you guys were together. Quinn's with ...she's seeing someone. It's only all been coming together recently." It had been Brittany that had badgered Quinn to come over for dinner and to bring Jess.

Santana had expected it to be awkward and to hate the woman on sight. It wasn't that she thought Quinn and Rachel were meant to be but she knew how happy Quinn had been then and to see the difference since their breakup and how Quinn just seemed to stop really living her life.

Except for the past half a year, she had slowly reverted to the Quinn Fabray that she remembers and it had been Brittany who had noted the difference and highlighted that it meant Quinn was finally allowing herself to feel again, allowing herself to open her heart.

Jess had been funny, attentive and she seemed to really get Quinn, giving her space but still making sure Quinn understood that she really liked her. Charming both Brittany and Santana had been secondary to her because her focus had been on Quinn all the different nights they wend come over. However she still managed to do it, not only making Britt laugh but also arguing with Santana most often about the Knicks and making it up by scoring court side tickets for them.

"She loved you so damn much." Rachel closes her eyes at the words and Santana knows that she needs to look out for her best and oldest friend even if she hates what she has to do to Rachel, "But maybe you need to let her see where it's going first and not...Hell, you made her a cheater too, she needs to deal with that so don't make her chose now, not when you're.."

She trails off without finishing although Rachel can finish the sentence for her.'A mess' or more appropriately, 'So fucked up.' Both appropriate and she's at least thankful that time had made Santana think enough of her not to follow through.

It's a difficult fact to swallow though; knowing Quinn loved her and maybe still did but not pushing because they were both with other people. "I ..

I was planning on breaking it off with Schuyler. Told the crew I wasn't going to shoot any scenes this weekend and take the time to tell her it was over between us and move out of her place."

Rachel doesn't look at Santana, instead she looks into the room to see Quinn just waking up. Her lithe body stretching on the bed as her hand consciously trails the side Rachel had been sleeping on. She sees Quinn rub sleep from her eyes and sit up, her face anxious as she looks around the room.

Rachel waves, a tremulous smile on her face before turning to Santana, "I'm a mess and she...she doesn't deserve this. I won't make her chose but it doesn't mean I'm going to give up on us. It just means I'm going to have to find another way." Her determination finally shining through.

Santana can see shades of the old Rachel Berry in the woman standing before her. That singular determination and focus on getting to her goals. Except they're all so much older now and moulded by different experiences both good and bad. Worse for Rachel and she's really not sure if her determination is enough any more.

"I'm ordering some breakfast and you should use the shower first."Quinn tries her best to modulate her voice as she opens the balcony door and tries to smile as she talks to Rachel. She can recognise the remnants of a serious conversation by their posture and that ever present crease on Santana's forehead and she wishes that things could be simpler.

She can actually see that Rachel wants that too. So easily falling into the rhythm of their old relationship where a simple touch or look just spoke volumes. Last night had been a revelation of sorts, a reaffirmation that she still completely loved Rachel but also that she could live without her and move on.

It hurt but in a good way because it finally made her believe that she was strong and could survive almost anything. Giving Rachel what she wanted yesterday and still protecting her own heart had been imperative. Quinn sees Rachel return her smile, as she brushes past her. Rachel's hand quickly reaching out to give hers a squeeze before she enters the room again.

The touch could mean so many things although Quinn knows that this touch meant that Rachel wanted more. She sighs when she hears the door to the bathroom shut, waiting for Santana to tell her how stupid she has been. Only the Latina remains silent as she just stares at Quinn.

"I don't regret last night...I don't." Quinn can see that Santana actually believes her only she doesn't pull any punches as she gets straight to the point.

"And what's the difference then between the both of you when you're fine with sleeping with Rachel while still seeing Jess?" She had supported Quinn's decision to break it off with Rachel, going as far as to agree to stop Rachel at the airport to tell her it was over. Only she wasn't going to have a double standard now.

"She loves you. Fuck, the both of them do and you need to know you'll have to hurt one of them and it's on you, not on them. You're my best friend, Q. But sometimes you can be a stupid bitch."

She too brushes past Quinn and is unsurprised when she feels Quinn's hand on her arm. "Jess is flying in and I wasn't going to hide any of it from her. I'll always love Rachel even if we're not together. I know what I'm doing."

Santana wonders if Quinn truly understands her own heart and what she's trying so hard to protect herself from. Maybe it was all part of growing up but she just cannot fathom that the person she loved and the person she would chose to spend her life with could be two different people.

But it was Quinn's choice and maybe the only right thing to do was to just try her best to save Rachel and also let her start anew.

#$#$#$#$#$

"Tosovic...It's the only thing she remembers." Santana holds the phone between her face and shoulder as her hands fly across the keyboard, sending off an email placating another client of hers and apologising for sending another lawyer to his arraignment.

She had been surprised that Rachel trusted her enough to recount that memory but it could also have been due to Quinn's presence which seemed to ground Rachel, their body language so telling and revolving around each other, Quinn knowing when to reach out or Rachel just being able to make eye contact and feel less closed in.

In the end, Rachel ended up pacing the room, each question ratcheting up her irritation but at least still eliciting an answer only because Quinn had been there. That is until Jess had turned up. At least she called from the lobby and Quinn had gone down to meet her.

"No more questioning until you follow up the lead. Fine...in a few days. Collins, about the security detail..when are you sending them over?" She sees Rachel pick up on her words and looks surprised, her hands shaking a bit as she finally crosses her arms and stares at Santana, her eyes wide.

"I don't think she has a normal schedule but yes, we'll ensure that we take precautions. Thank you." She sees Rachel run to the bathroom and can hear her throwing up. She can see all the symptoms of drug abuse and understands that Rachel was really trying to change, going as far as to give her the prescription bottle she had in her purse. The cold sweats, irritability and disorientation wasn't going away but she was trying to keep a handle on it all.

However, that was before she knew about Jess and the look on her face when Quinn took the call and left had been bracing. Rachel needed help and love and though she could provide the former, only Quinn could fulfil the latter.

"Do you need anything?" Santana actually cringes when she realises her question. It was obvious what Rachel needed but she's surprised that Rachel actually answers her honestly.

"Quinn...a couple of pills maybe and for Jesse to be alive." She looks stricken as she twists her hands in front of her. Her skin feels like its pulled too tightly over her body and everything seemed like it was closing in. All of it so overwhelming that she's out the door and running down the hallway before Santana can react.

Rachel ignores Santana calling to her as she rushes into the open elevator, her hand hitting the button repeatedly even as she sees Santana barrelling out of the room.

She feels so out of sync with everything and knows that she can make all of it go away with a call to Schuyler. But she had promised Santana and she knows Quinn still cares for her and they could work all of it out if they just gave each other a chance.

It's that thought that sustains her as the elevator door opens into the lobby and she ducks her head and hurries out. She's finally sure she doesn't want to call Schuyler and looks around for some sort of sign. And she gets it when she spots Quinn.

Or rather she spots Quinn in the embrace of another woman. And before she can call out, she sees the woman lean forward to kiss Quinn. Their lips meeting as Quinn almost folds into the kiss.

Rachel didn't think anything could hurt as much as seeing Quinn kiss someone else. Logically she knows she does not have any claim on the blonde but deep down, they were meant to be together and seeing her dream shatter was scary and unfair. All her memories come crashing down around her and she reacts without thinking as she runs towards the pair, pulling the woman from Quinn's arms as she rears back to slap her. Only Quinn steps forward and Rachel can't stop her momentum as her hand connects with Quinn's face.

**End Part 8**


	9. Chapter 9

 

**Meant To Be**

_**"You know how is it when you love someone? And the hard part, the bad part, the Jerry Springer Show part is that you never stop loving someone. There's always a piece of them in your heart."** _

_**― Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things** _

The sound of the slap reverberates throughout the lobby as Rachel looks on in absolute horror at what she has managed to do. Quinn's head reeling backwards from the contact as the woman next to her tries to hold on to Quinn.

It's a mess like everything else she has come into contact with and she feels such self loathing that she cannot bear to look at Quinn so she turns and runs towards the exit. She doesn't have money on her or an actual destination in mind but she remembers how easy it is to disappear in LA as she runs out of the hotel and across the road before ducking into one of the side streets. She cuts across the back alley, ignoring the rubbish strewn about and the smell of decaying food, instead focusing on just trying to get away.

The rough hands that grab her from behind, causes her to scream until she feels a large hand clamp across her mouth. "You should have made noise at the house then I wouldn't have had to come back and clean up this mess now." the accented voice is deep and scary and it spurs her to struggle, even as she opens her mouth and bites down on one of his fingers.

She hears him curse in a foreign language, Russian maybe or Czech she can't really tell as he flings her to the ground and kicks out, catching her in the side. The vicious kick sending all the air out of her lungs as her eyes water with pain.

However, her sense of preservation finally takes over as she curls into a ball and screams as loud as she can, projecting her voice like she's in an auditorium without any microphones. She's not sure how long the attack lasts, the pain blinding and almost constant.

Then, she hears Quinn shout, not able to make out the words but recognising her voice. And suddenly the pain stops and she feels smothered instead, covered by something or rather someone pressing down on her.

Rachel blinks her eyes open to see Quinn on top of her, her face twisted and eyes closed. And she does not get the context until she feels Quinn's body shudder and her face grimaces. She tilts her head enough to see a heavy boot connect and feels Quinn's body shake again. "No." she finds her voice at the same time she sees Santana barrelling towards them.

Her vision finally obscured as Quinn's head falls forward but she sees the knife flick out of the boot and tries to turn to the left and protect Quinn like Quinn was doing for her. Only she's still drained and just too slow even as she twist and turns her body, hearing Quinn finally cry out and her heart shatters.

Santana barrels into the back of the tall man kicking out at Quinn and Rachel on the ground, not really moving him but at least getting his attention as she sees Rachel hold on to Quinn and roll away. She twists her own body sideways and barely avoids his meaty fist as it slams into her side.

She knows Jess is right behind her and that Quinn's got her hands full with Rachel so she calls out, "Jess, call the police." She ducks as the man again lashes out this time catching her at the side of her head and driving her to the ground. She's on her knees, the skin on her palms scraping against the rough road.

Her relief almost palpable when she hears a shrill alarm and sees Jess, her phone to her ear and her safety alarm activated in her hand. Quinn had given it to her when Jess had been the victim of a snatch thief a couple of months ago. She had made fun of the gift when Quinn had shown it to her but had also taken it as a sign that Quinn was letting herself finally care for someone else.

Santana's definitely thankful for it now as she tries to grasp the leg of the man who finally stops attacking her and turns to flee. She does not want to lose him, instinctively realising that his attack on Rachel could mean a link to Jesse's death as well.

It's only when he stomps down on her injured hand that she finally let's go. But she does not give up as she staggers to her feet, using Jess for support and still intending to chase the man down until she hears Rachel's desperate voice.

"Quinn...Quinn..help me please she's ..oh my god...please." The fear is almost overwhelming as she feels the blood again coat her hands, and Quinn's arms drop away, much like Jesse's had. That experience melding into this one and like before, she starts screaming, unable to tell reality from memory and stuck in an experience which scares her beyond anything else.

The thought of Quinn dead like Jesse, sends her over the edge, her senses all overloading as adrenaline coupled with fear takes over and all she can do is scream like before. The sound so raw and just ripping out of her.

She does not hear Santana's voice or sees Jess trying to tend to Quinn. She doesn't even feel Quinn's weight on her as she retreats into her herself, the scream tapering off as she starts to lose consciousness, the expelled air not replace by any breaths and finally her body thankfully shuts down.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

"I'm flying out." The words bring comfort but not relief to Santana as she takes a breath before formulating an answer for her wife. She wants nothing more than to feel Brittany's arms around her telling her that everything was going to be fine.

But she knows she needs to just settle for the words and not the physical comfort because she didn't need anymore of her loved ones in danger. "I want nothing more than to see you and kiss you and make love to you. But Quinn's already hurt and so is Rachel. Its not safe and I just can't..." She's crying as she says the words and let's out a frustrated growl as she scrubs her face with her bandaged hand, the phone still tightly held to her ear.

"Well.. I can't too so just turn around ok." Santana can't bring herself to get angry as she just launches herself at Brittany, her body almost sagging with relief as she feels strong arms go around her. She used to hide her tears but she let's them flow now.

"I don't know how you think you can just call me and tell me about what happened sounding like you have and not expecting me to be here for you and for them." The soft hint of admonishment is as welcoming as the knowledge that deep down, this was what she wanted but could not articulate.

Only Brittany could always discern her wants and would always acquiesce regardless of what she would say because she knew exactly what was needed and what had to be done. "How's Quinn?"

She reluctantly pulls out of the hug and takes the bag off Brittany's shoulder, "She'll be glad to see you." It's not a lie and she feels Brittany tug on her hand, expecting her to answer the question she had asked. It's just that she really is not sure how to answer it.

The reason she had stepped out of the room to call Brittany was the fact that she couldn't look at Quinn and try and pretend everything was fine and nothing hurt.

It wasn't that Quinn hadn't been hurt in the attack but at least it hadn't been serious, the blood loss causing her to pass out. Luckily Jess had been there, her doctor instinct kicking in as she examined Quinn, her deft fingers red with blood even as her relieved voice confirmed no organ damage.

She had been the only level headed one, talking to the paramedics who had responded and then checking up on both Rachel and Quinn so that Santana could find a way to decompress, get her own minor wound looked at and finally call her wife.

Quinn's prognosis at least resulting in just a one day mandated stay in the hospital and a hated tetanus shot. The physical hurt though didn't mask the emotional turmoil she was experiencing. Santana hated the fact that each time she opened her mouth, Quinn would pause as if trying to screw up her courage to say the words.

But each time, the name wouldn't pass her lips and she'd just trail off and look at the door somewhat expectantly. Except Santana knew that Rachel wasn't going to walk in either. It seemed cruel not to tell Quinn but she had also promised Rachel.

It was a mess and Santana hoped that the entire ridiculous situation could just sort itself out without any more fallout. She didn't hold it against Quinn or Rachel but it felt wrong that Jess was also dragged into it. The woman had surprised her once again by volunteering to stay with Rachel, only asking her to check up on Quinn. She figures something had finally occurred between Quinn and Jess and maybe that needed to happen.

"And Rachel?" Brittany pulls on Santana's hand again, causing her to stop even as she steps forward to kiss her wife. She hates to see her like this, all twisted up in knots and still trying to keep it in and keep it together because she wanted to help Quinn and Rachel.

Santana knows that the kiss is meant to soothe even if it does ignite other feelings within her. Brittany's sheer proximity could make her not only feel better but just feel like she needed to show how much she loved her wife as she deepens the kiss. One hand tangled in blonde hair while the other grasping her shirt and pulling her close.

She doesn't want to think of Quinn's pale features as her blood dripped on to the pavement or Rachel's piercing screams as she descended into a flat out panic attack. All she wants to to hold on to Brittany and maybe feel like she could actually help sort all of it out.

"San...how's Rachel?" She can see that Brittany's worried and unsurprised that her wife always had a soft spot for the brunette, always wishing that she would come back to New York. But the annoyingly talented girl they had known who had grown into a beautiful star was crashing and burning out. She still thinks that maybe they really had arrived in time to make a difference but maybe it was just wishful thinking.

"Miss Lopez." Detective Collins had tried to wait and not interrupt the couple when he had spotted them along the hallway. Their intimate conversation and body language spoke volumes. However he still has a job to do and finally maybe has a break in the case that could help Rachel Berry.

She had looked even worse than when he had first seen her in the hospital the first time. Barely able to answer his questions or identify her attacker and crying each time she tried to describe how Quinn got hurt. In the end, he had asked her doctor to give her something to calm her down.

Dr Goldman had been a bit better, giving him a description of the height, hair colour and general countenance, she couldn't describe his face or pick him from the pictures he had brought.

"I pulled all the Tosovics' we had in the system," he shows he the thick file. "But neither Ms Berry or Dr Goldman got a good enough look to identify any of them as the attacker."

"I couldn't see his face, just his profile. I think Quinn...she may have seen him." Just the feel of Brittany's hand in hers grounds her enough to square her shoulders and get back to Quinn's room. Maybe Quinn being able to identify Rachel's attacker would also give her the impetus to decide what she truly wants or rather whom.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel's still crying but at least she's not strapped down in the bed. Although she does not have the courage to leave it as she stares at the door, praying that Quinn would walk into her room and only then would she accept that things would be ok even if she told Santana not to tell Quinn she had also been admitted.

She knows that Quinn's not grievously hurt, her doctor girlfriend actually taking the time to explain the wound that Quinn had suffered on her behalf. The woman's voice so controlled and calm. But it just didn't translate into calming her because nothing short of seeing Quinn would do it.

She's actually surprised that Jess had chosen to stay with her and not go to Quinn. It's that thought that finally compels her to speak. "Why are you still here...Quinn's..she..." She stumbles on Quinn's name, just saying it, already bringing forth that distinct memory of warm blood seeping out and absolute fear of losing what was most important to her.

Jess has been asking herself variations of the same question over the past six hours. She had traversed the distance between both rooms in the beginning, promising Santana that she'd help in any way she could even if it meant looking out for Rachel.

In the end, standing in Quinn's room, holding herself back from interrupting the doctor and nurses as they worked on her girlfriend. And when everyone had left, she finally managed to talk to Quinn, the conversation completely blindsiding her and sending her running out of Quinn's room and down the hall. Hearing Rachel crying had made her feel better and somehow vindicated. But she's never been one to give up either so she still entered Rachel's room.

So it's not really difficult to answer the question since the recent conversation with Quinn is still so fresh and festering in her mind.

_"How are you feeling?" She's sitting on the side of the bed, her hands in her lap as she looks at Quinn propped up and thankfully drugged so that she won't feel the pain from the three inch gash in her side._

_"Like I just got stabbed." It's the poorest attempt at a joke and Jess has to quickly wipe away the tears that form as she tries to get a hold of her now loosened emotions at seeing Quinn hurt and needing to put aside her feelings in order to tend to her first. And without that need, those feelings can now bubble to the surface as she feels Quinn take her hand and give it a squeeze._

_"I'm sorry. It was a stupid joke and hey.. I'm fine. You heard the doctor and you told me yourself it wasn't serious as you held my hand." Quinn plays with her fingers, the touch all at once comforting and anchoring her. Jess leans in , her eyes closing until she hears Quinn's voice._

_"Jess..I have to tell you something." It's her tone as much as her words and Jess ignores them for just another minute as she steals a kiss instinctively knowing that things were about to change. The kiss no different than the others they have shared but still Jess feels like it's never going to be the same again._

_She feels Quinn's hand on her cheek and she leans into the touch._

_"I slept with Rachel last night. It...I ..There's still a lot of history between us." It's not an excuse or a real explanation as she sees Jess jerk back, her eyes filled with hurt. "I don't want to hurt you..."_

_Jess finally tears herself from her grasp, " And yet you still manage to do it." She does not want to be that person even if she feels justified. She understands the complexity of the relationships here and the effect it's had on Quinn. "So why call me? Why tell me you need me and then sleep with Rachel?"_

_It's the most valid of questions and she stands there staring at Quinn, wishing for that magical answer that would make everything ok again. Only Quinn doesn't say anything and just looks stricken._

_"Do you love me?" It's the last question she wants an answer to but it's too late as the words stream out so Jess just stands her ground, hoping for the best._

_"Yes." The answer is quicker than she thought it would be but then she see Quinn's eyes flick to the door and realises that as much as the word is meant for her, she's almost sure that Quinn's heart didn't solely belong to her._

_"Rachel needed me..She..." And that really was the crux of the problem here. Jess finally realising that she's always been competing for a space in Quinn's heart. Somehow, Rachel may have physically left Quinn but she never really disappeared from her heart._

_"You got hurt by her and I get that. I just thought you'd choose to be different. But deep down, maybe you needed to know how it felt like to cheat as well. Maybe you needed an excuse but I didn't ask for this." She does not wait for Quinn's answer as she dashes out of the room._

And now looking at Rachel and feeling like a third wheel not due to anything she's done except fall for someone who apparently loved her but could still cheat on her. "She told me about last night." At least she sees some guilt on Rachel's face although it doesn't make her feel any better.

"I love her." Rachel sounds so sure but Jess knows it's still not that simple.

"And she loves me." The words not meant to hurt but to highlight that it's never that simple. "I don't fight for something unless I know that I'm going to win. You may love her but you let her go and wanting her back now just means that you'll have to go through me."

#$#$#$#$#$

"This one...I think..it happened so fast but this one is the only one that looks like him." Quinn picks up the picture and hands it to Detective Collins.

"That's good enough to at least bring him in for questioning. I'll run it pass Ms Berry again, she's probably better now after the meds have kicked in.."

"Rachel's here?" Quinn looks at Santana, "You said she wasn't hurt."

"She wasn't...at least not physically." Santana sighs as she finally comes clean to Quinn. And is unsurprised when Brittany actually stands in front of her as if trying to shield her from Quinn's accusatory look.

"Don't." She knows she won't be able to stop Quinn but she tries anyway when she sees her struggling to get up from the bed.

"Which room is she in." Quinn just needs to see her. The pull so strong that she ignores the pain in her side or the fact that she still needs to fix things with Jess. It was as if Rachel kept a part of her and she just needed to see that she was still ok.

"Britt... Please, which room?" She struggles with the hospital robe and almost refuses Santana's help until she realises that they were all just trying to help even if the only thing they could truly do was to let this play out and help pick up the pieces after.

"218" it's Santana who answers as Quinn rushes out.

#$#$#$#$#$

She manages to catch the last part of Jess's proclamation as she enters Rachel's room. Her entrance quiet but still managing to get the attention of the two women in the room who turn to look at her.

Rachel in the bed and looking still unsure as her eyes dart about but still landing on her even if she just cannot bring herself to hold her gaze on Quinn. And Jess standing to the side, her arms crossed as she too looks at Quinn.

And if it wasn't clear before, it crystallises for her now as Quinn intrinsically understands that she had really already made her choice. And she just needed to admit it.

"Jess..."

**End Part 9**


	10. Chapter 10

**Meant To Be**

_**"Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman)."** _

_**― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being** _

_**9 years ago** _

"She's quitting NYADA." Kurt's voice sounds hollow, like he's empty and spent. And to a degree he is, the last year alone spent getting Rachel to her classes while keeping his own schedule, his part time job and ensuring he still stayed in school.

No time for anything else except to just keep Rachel moving forward. Quinn had done the same, driving herself ragged by coming into the city almost every weekend to take over 'Rachel' duty. Only now it seems useless considering Rachel had truly given up.

"She...she can't." Quinn sounds just as tired but there's still this hint of steel underlying her voice. "I'm coming out." The double entendre does not go unnoticed to either of them but Kurt knows that Quinn won't do or say anything because she won't want to lose Rachel. Preferring to just be her support system and to always be around but never revealing her own strong feelings.

"It's too late, she talked to Dean Tibideaux yesterday and she's started packing her room an hour ago." Kurt hears noises in the background and then the slamming of a door and running feet. He can actually picture Quinn rushing out, phone held to her ear. "You have your mid terms. You need the grades for law school. Quinn, are you sure?"

She doesn't answer him because there was only one imperative in her mind. She needed to get to Rachel.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

She places her palm flat against the wood grain of the dormroom door, trying to catch her breath and collect her thoughts, knowing that this encounter could be the last one with Rachel ever. It was inconceivable to her that she could lose the brunette even before anything had started between the both of them and Quinn knows that even if nothing ever did, she still wanted Rachel in her life in any capacity she would allow.

Her hand goes to the handle and turns it, pushing open the door. There are boxes everywhere but what catches her eye is Rachel curled up in bed, her hands holding something tightly to her chest. "Rachel." She says the name reverently, it's meaning never lost on her and thankful that she can utter it now.

It scares her to see no response as she reaches out, her hand is shaking but she's determined to make a connection until Rachel blinks her eyes open and scrambles off the bed. "What are you doing here?" Her voice thick with tears as she continues to hold something to her chest, her eyes darting about as if unsure of where she was.

"Kurt called me but you should have. Rachel, please don't do this." There's so much emotion pouring out of her as her nails dig into her palms, wanting so much to reach out and hold onto Rachel. "I'm here and I'm always going to be here. You can't leave now. Graduation is just next year and then.."

"What? And then what, Quinn. I can't keep living like this." She thrust her hands out and Quinn finally sees what she's been holding. It's a picture of their high school graduation. Finn's arms around Rachel as she leans into him, the rest of them smiling so widely as they surround the couple. Quinn remembers the shot, the only thought going through her head then had been sheer relief that that part of her life was over without too much damage and maybe the future would be so much better. But she can see despite all her efforts, Rachel was still stuck in the past.

"He's gone and I..."

"But you're still here and so am I and I am not going to let you do this. You've worked too hard to give up. You're Rachel Berry." Quinn steps forward, her heart constricting when Rachel takes a step back. "I.."

"You hated him." There's venom in Rachel's voice that surprises Quinn but she also cannot deny Rachel's words so she stays silent. "You hated the fact that we were together and you never supported it not then and not..now..You just hated seeing us happy, seeing him happy. You were just waiting for all of it to go wrong. He loved me but you just never believed in him or in us."

"I believe in you." The words just pour out and she knows she has to stop but it's hard to when she's sure that this was it and Rachel was going to leave not only New York but her as well. "You made me believe and you're right...I never believed in Finn."

She sees Rachel's face crumple as the photograph falls from her fingers and her arms go around her middle as if she's trying to hold herself together and Quinn knows she can help with that too as she takes another step forward only to be stopped by Rachel's words.

"I hate you. I hate you for just moving on and never acknowledging what he..what he meant to me and I can't seem to move on...I can't move on and I hate you." The words hurt but Quinn finally gets it, that trigger that Rachel needs, that push that's necessary to just make everything ok.

She's dreamt of doing this a thousand times, that metaphorical huge jump actually just encapsulated in one tiny step forward as her arms reach out to pull Rachel close, the precision behind the soft collision of their lips all so fluid as Quinn pours herself into that one last chance kiss.

The feel of Rachel's body flush against hers and with it the knowledge that she's finally complete. She does expect Rachel to push her away, but when it does not happen, she herself pulls back and blinks away the tears forming in her eyes as she stares at Rachel's shell shocked expression. It hurts to see it but Quinn does not look away.

The apology she has is swallowed though as she sees Rachel's features morph into sudden understanding, her eyes widen and her tongue flicking out to lick those luscious lips before Quinn feels herself being pulled forward. Rachel realising who was finally in front of her all this while and finally accepting that it was all she needed to move onwards.

That reciprocal kiss shows its intent as she feels Rachel's tongue push in and her hands pull at her waist, positioning it such that she feels heat pooling there. It's all she's ever wanted as she finally surrenders to Rachel, showing her need and her love.

Discarding articles of clothing in between deep kisses, hands roaming, bodies melding into each other, the need to share the same space, the impetus to show infinite love and receive it in return. That magical first time of coming together in all ways. Kisses invisible but imprinting forever on velvet skin, the knowledge that their love is shared for always.

_**3 years ago** _

"I miss you." She has to shout the words because of the background noise but it's worth the eye roll and head shake she's receiving from Santana. These calls with Rachel were really all she had and she wasn't going to forgo telling the truth or trying to get Rachel to realise that they needed to be together.

She frowns when she hears Rachel's slurred voice, "Oh God, baby, I miss you too." It's an untenable situation and Quinn knows she's as much to blame for it as Rachel was. "I'm sorry I didn't fly out last week." Sometimes it felt like all she was doing in the relationship was apologising, for her stupid heavy work schedule and just not being able to be there to hold Rachel's hand or kiss her.

"I know." Rachel says the words even though there's no certainty behind them, not like before. She hadn't seen Quinn in almost a month and she's beginning to forget the little things like how it felt to hold her hand or lean on her shoulder and breathe her in. "The first episode premiere is tomorrow at the studio and Jesse says everyone's going to be there." Despite the loud ambient noise of the club, Quinn can hear the frisson of fear in Rachel's voice.

"I'm sure it'll look amazing. You're amazing. It's going to be fine." The words mean something to her but it's so difficult to convey love just with words.

"I'm...maybe you're right. I wish..." Rachel knows that she made the choice to come out to LA and then made the choice to stay. The distance separating them morphing into more than just air miles.

Quinn hears the unasked question even as she looks at the pile of files scattered on her desk. The new Merger going so well but still needing just a bit more work and time to get it over the line. Only the time she was spending was forever eating into her weekends with Rachel. "Just another two weeks ok? I love you and I promise to watch it when I get home. Santana says that Britt's already tivo'ed the whole season."

She hears more noise in the background and misses Rachel's response just as her mobile starts to ring. The name of the corporate lawyer she's been working with flashes on the screen. She hopes that maybe it meant the deal could close sooner and perhaps she could actually fly out to LA, "Rachel, I'll call you tomorrow ok. I really need to take this. Just remember I love you."

She hangs up on Rachel and picks up the other phone, "Mike, please tell me you have good news?" She misses Rachel's good bye and knows she needs to make up for that as she scrolls through the online flower delivery site she's been using for the past three months. Santana's still looking askance at her but she ignores her as she buys the largest bouquet she can find.

"Come on..." There's a distinct smile in her voice, "You know I'm not going to agree to those clauses and for the record, my eyes...they're hazel." She bites her lip, not wanting to smile again as Mike tries his best over the phone. "Trust me, if this deal goes through, I'll buy you dinner." Santana's accompanying snort of disgust is loud enough to hear over the phone line.

"No, that was nothing." She turns to glare at her oldest friend, "Listen, Mike, you are sweet but I have a girlfriend...yes, for real. And I am having serious doubts you graduated from Georgetown after that remark." Quinn grabs the file closes to her, "I can't agree to that so I guess we will need to spend the weekend ironing it all out." She sighs as she glances at her computer screen wondering if maybe a few more bouquets were necessary. "Fine, see you tomorrow. Bye."

"So you're flirting now to win deals." There's a bite to Santana's tone that throws her.

Quinn knows she has nothing to feel guilty about, it wasn't as if she was ever going to cheat on Rachel. "Of course not. I don't need to flirt to win" She jokes back.

"What the hell are you doing then? One phonecall you're pining for Rachel and the next you're playing verbal footsie with another lawyer. God, no wonder she's not coming back." It's a slip really, something Brittany had said, not a real confirmation but her wife was always too prescient for her own good.

"What?...Did Rachel say something...San...What do you know?" She feels like she's been punched in the gut, hollowed out and incomplete.

"She didn't say anything...at least not to me." Brittany would call Rachel almost every other day, sometimes just to say hi and at other times to have such long conversations that she had to change their phone plan. But recently, the calls had been fewer and shorter and all Brittany would tell her was she had a feeling Rachel was trying to let go.

"But she did say something to Brittany?" Quinn's almost sure she can't stand up and doesn't even try.

"No. However, Britt thinks that she's getting used to staying there." 'Without you.' Those words remain unsaid but she can see Quinn's thinking them as well.

"Is it worth it?" Santana gestures to the files strewn all over the desk. "The hours, all the loneliness just to be top associate and maybe...maybe five years from now making partner but..." She trails off as Quinn's eyes slam shut. "Is it worth it?" Santana's voice drops and she doesn't have to wait long as Quinn shakes her head.

"I was going to..." She opens the top drawer of her desk and takes out a small velvet box. "I booked a table at Matsuhisa last week and was going to give her this." She puts the ring box on her desk.

"What would that prove?" Again, Santana's voice is surprisingly soft as she stares at Quinn, the way her shoulders are bunched up and that constant pinched look on her face. She was running herself ragged, trying to fill the hole that Rachel had left but at least she knows its not too late for them, not if she could convince Quinn to just go after what she needed. "That she could look at it sparkling on her finger and remember that you're over two thousand miles away."

"I'm an idiot." She says the words like its a recent revelation and Santana can't help but agree.

"Admitting it is the first step." She smirks but can't help the relief she feels at finally getting Quinn to see that her priorities were screwed up.

"I need to see Mr. Moore." She pulls on her jacket.

"You're going to the Senior partner? Now? Quinn, are you sure?" She sees the determination on Quinn's face but asks the question anyway.

"I love her and that's my choice to make."

_**1 year ago** _

"We don't have to go." Jess's voice drops as she leans against the door, arms crossed and looking at Quinn slowly unravelling as she tries to find her car keys. She wants to reach out and it's so difficult not to but she's cognisant that Quinn won't accept any physical comfort unless she initiates it herself.

It's difficult to keep holding herself at bay and she wonders if it will ever change as she sees Quinn pause and take a breath, her hands in fists by her side as if she's holding so many things within. "We could stay in, order Chinese and..." Jess's voice takes on a cajoling tone as Quinn finally looks up.

Quinn feels so untethered and knows its provenance; of wanting to be loved of being needed. They need to be at Santana's in an hour or so and maybe in the meantime, they wouldn't need to order Chinese. But there was definitely something she knows they can do that would pass the time and maybe centre her.

She initiates the kiss, catching Jess by surprise but not for long as the woman reciprocates, her hands tangled in Quinn's hair, the kiss escalating as she feels herself being guided backwards until the back of her knees hit the couch.

Quinn feels the hot kisses everywhere, teeth scrapping her skin and all she knows is that this allows her to forget, to not remember love but hopefully accept that that too will come again in time.

_**The Present** _

"Jess.." Quinn can see Rachel reacting, her hand going to her mouth as if holding back tears as she turns her head away. But Jess is looking straight at her, her face hopeful but still so unsure.

"I didn't need to cheat on you to know how it felt. That was all I did in High School. Cheating on Finn with Puck and cheating on Sam with Finn. Even in the end, I still kissed Puck when Joe was waiting in the wings." She's only talked about them with Mika but maybe that needed to change.

"I knew exactly how it felt to cheat and my only fucking excuse was I didn't love them. Deep down, I tried because I wanted...no I needed to connect to find that elusive feeling that everyone kept talking about. And when I did find her..." It had always been Rachel, all through out high school and after, always consuming her thoughts. Once she admitted it to herself, it was just like surrendering to the inevitable. Loving Rachel was like breathing, automatic and so very necessary.

"It was still an unacceptable excuse so I promised that when I found that kind of love, there was just not going to be any cheating. Never again." She sees the exact moment that Jess gets her point. The look Jess gives her, the hurt that she sees reflected in her blue eyes is just as painful as the choked sob Rachel is trying to hold back. But she's at least thankful that both of them were allowing her to explain all of it as they don't say a word.

Quinn's really unsure if she'll survive the heartbreak again but she does know that she has to be honest and pull all of it on the line. "Sometimes, it's just about the comfort or making a connection and it's not wrong to want that but it is so damn wrong to give in. That's worse than the cheating. Because that's when you give up what you have, give up what you need, what you had accepted and surrendered to...What you worked so hard to keep. And for all of what you give up, you accept less."

Quinn walks further into the room, finally standing next to Rachel's bed, her hands curling around the bed rails. Her words now solely directed at the brunette. "You gave up on me when you kissed Schuyler. I know you may not have thought so then but you did. I could forgive the cheating, Hell I probably deserved it but the kiss wasn't just that, was it? You kissed her because you you didn't believe in me. You didn't believe that I loved you enough to quit my job and fly across the country to be with you for your premiere."

She sees the truth in Rachel's eyes and is surprised that she's still standing although it's not over as yet for her as she turns to see Jess, her arms crossed and her shoulders hunched. Her next words difficult to articulate but necessary. "Rachel gave up on me. I'll always love her but she gave up on me and on us."

Quinn reaches out, her hand placed on Jess's forearm. That touch so familiar though she knows she shouldn't get use to it. "I'm so sorry Jess. I'm sorry for cheating on you but I didn't give up on you...on us. I know you may not believe me but I wasn't giving up..."

All the words make sense except for the pause at the end. Jess processes everything that Quinn had said, all of it and she wants so badly for it to be true only she looks at Rachel curled up on the bed, trying so hard to hide her tears and then she looks at Quinn, trying so hard to do the right thing even if it ended up hurting herself in the long run.

Except that Jess cannot ignore that one slip of Quinn's when she had first started talking. She does not doubt that Quinn loves her. What she knows though is that even if Quinn did love her, it wasn't with that burning once in a lifetime passion. And that meant that she was settling as much as Quinn was.

"I'm changing my flight to the 5pm one this evening." She sees Quinn's eyes well up with tears and this time she knows she's the one putting them there but she presses on. "I'm going back to the hotel and maybe catching a nap and getting something to eat. You have to chose, Quinn. You need to make the choice and not make me do it." She steps in towards Quinn, her hand touching Quinn's cheek as she leans in to kiss her gently.

Jess tells herself it's not a goodbye kiss and she's not throwing down an ultimatum except the both of them know that she is. She feels Quinn's hand over hers and knows that she's said and tried her best.

She doesn't cry as she walks out the room but she can hear Quinn break down and it takes all her willpower not to rush back. Rachel and Quinn needed to talk and all she can do is pray that she'll see Quinn at the airport at five.

**End Part 10**


	11. Chapter 11

 

**Meant To Be**

_**"Wherever they might be they always remember that the past was a lie, that memory has no return, that every spring gone by could never be recovered, and that the wildest and most tenacious love was an ephemeral truth in the end."** _

_**― Gabriel Garcí a Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude** _

_**5 Years Ago** _

"Is Rachel with you?" Quinn blurts out the words as soon as he answers the call, ignoring his sleep tinged voice or any niceties. She does not want to panic but its difficult not to considering Rachel was not in their bed even when she had promised to be.

She should have known that things weren't fine considering how so very quiet Rachel had been last night. But with both her dads finally flying in from Greece, she thought that it would be enough. Apparently no matter how much she tries or prepares for this blasted day, it will never be enough.

"Kurt." She barks into the phone, "Is she with you?" Quinn hopes for affirmation only Kurt's indignant tone does not even give her that as he rambles on about manners and sleep deprivation until he realizes why she would call and sound so frantic.

"I thought she promised not to do this anymore?" His tone finally softening as he remembers what day it is and his own need to get through it without breaking down or trying to drink himself unconscious. "I'm sorry Quinn, she's not here. maybe..." She does not let him finish the sentence as she hangs up on him before scrambling to pull on some clothes, her mind going over the few places Rachel would go to today.

She tries to ignore the ringing phone, knowing Kurt was calling. Only answering after pulling on her jeans and the fleece that Rachel had been wearing yesterday. "I don't have time.."

"She knows her dads are flying in all the way from Greece for the first time in five years. She won't want to miss them so she won't go far. You start on fifth and I'll start from uptown and work my way towards you. Quinn?" He knows she's worried and just thinking the worse so its really up to him to say the words. "She does love you...it's just..her way of dealing with it."

Quinn actually does understand and doesn't begrudge Rachel this one day to mourn. It's just the fact that Rachel feels the need to hide it from her, to pretend that things were fine and then to disappear each year on this day. "It's been five years. I just wish she'd let me in...I know she loved him. I just want to make sure she knows that I'm always going to be there for her."

"Don't worry, we'll find her."

Only Quinn can't help but worry. Each of the preceding anniversaries had Rachel drinking herself into a stupor somewhere. Each year, a different Sports Bar,somehow thinking it was something Finn would have appreciated. And maybe that was true but the incident with one of the bar patrons getting too close to Rachel and scaring her was still burnt fresh in Quinn's memory. Rushing into the bar to see Rachel's tearful face as she held a hand to her bleeding mouth.

Quinn had nearly gotten arrested for going after the guy who had slapped Rachel. As always, Santana had her back and ensured that the charges were dropped because Quinn's actions were justified considering Rachel was hurt and in danger.

"I'll call you if I find her and Kurt..thanks for doing this."

She sees the Yahrtzeit candle burning in the foyer and knows Rachel had lit it for Finn. She just hopes that she'll find Rachel before it burns out.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

The third bar she enters is as smoky as the first two but its not difficult to spot Rachel, drink in hand swaying by the side of the jukebox. A woman dancing too close to her and she has to tamp down on all her emotions because this wasn't her Rachel, this was Rachel being desperate and forgetting that she would be there for her.

The song blasting from it is familiar to both of them as Rachel mouths the words and Quinn understands that she'll always be competing against the past, trying to make up from her mistakes and always being compared to Finn's memory. The woman now touching Rachel's cheek until Rachel spots her and pulls away. She doesn't look guilty but just so damn sad. She sees Rachel lean forward to whisper something and it makes the woman saunter away.

She knows Rachel doesn't do any of it on purpose and only gets this way around the anniversary of his death. And overall, loving Rachel and having her love in return was worth going through anything because she knows Rachel does love her.

"I was worried." Her hands go around Rachel's small waist as she pulls the brunette close, Rachel's arms automatically going around her neck. "You're dads' flight gets in at three, we could go to temple first before picking them up." Quinn resist the urge to wipe the tears off Rachel's face, knowing that all she can do is be there for Rachel but she really can't change the way she was feeling.

"They always leave, all of them." Rachel holds on to Quinn, her drink spilling on the floor but she doesn't care as long as Quinn was there. "Finn...even my dads. Is it me? Do I make them leave?"

Quinn has to fight the urge to pick Rachel up and carry her home, holding her close and just not letting go. But she can't shield Rachel from her own fears and the only thing she can do is to ensure that Rachel feels loved. "Your dad survived cancer and they needed a change of pace, a change in environment. Moving to Greece wasn't about leaving you but just living for themselves...And Finn..he loved you, but he needed to find his own path. They're not here but I am."

Quinn needs to say the words, to make Rachel understand that she's made her choice. I won't leave you unless you make me, unless you stop loving me. And even then, I'm always going to love you." Her own fears finally surfacing as well.

Rachel knows she can be difficult but she can also read Quinn and understand the fear she is alluding to. Loving Quinn was easy and sometimes she has taken that love for granted, always expecting Quinn to support her and be there. It wasn't that she thought Quinn loved her more but just the undeniable fact that Quinn had waited just for her. "I keep losing my way sometimes but you always find me. I won't ever give up on us. You're it for me too, you know. I won't forget that. I love you Quinn. I do. I won't leave you."

The words wash over her and Quinn's amazed that she's the one being comforted instead of the other way round. "Finn always knew you loved him too. Even when he was away, he knew. And I love you...I'll always find you." Quinn can at least acknowledge that because even if Rachel had loved Finn in return, Quinn's love for Rachel had no bounds.

She sees Rachel nod at her words but the kiss she receives at least shows that right now, Rachel was truly hers.

"I love you and I want you to be happy." Quinn holds onto Rachel's hand as tightly as she can as she leads Rachel back home.

**_3 Years Ago_ **

"Tell me I got the part?" Jesse's voice is half belligerent, half hopeful as he looks at Schuyler trying to light her cigarette as stands near the entrance of the large room. When she shakes her head, all he feels is crushing disappointment and a building need for some escape as he hand goes into his pocket and his fingers curl around the bottle of pills there.

Jesse knows he's here for Rachel and is actually happy for her but it was difficult to accept that she was better and just easier to think it was down to luck and a good agent. He watches Schuyler as her eyes track Rachel from across the room.

He thinks one of the reasons Schuyler had helped Rachel was because she wanted to sleep with her. Only Rachel was still hung up over Quinn and maybe helping Schuyler with Rachel would also help his flagging career. "She's taken." There's a sneer to his voice that causes Schuyler to look at him.

"I've always loved a good challenge." She thinks its really only a matter of time until Rachel realizes that her girlfriend was just not going to come to LA.

"Never going to happen..at least..." He trails off when he sees that he finally has her full attention. His fingers once again touching the bottle, "Maybe she just needs a little push." He sees Schuyler stare at him, not saying anything and waiting for him to lay out his terms. He's amazed that she's actually giving him a chance and he knows he can't blow it.

"I could help you. Make her see that there are other alternatives..." Jesse sees Schuyler nod at his words but still remain silent. "I need a role, something longer than just a guest spot. You make that happen and I'll work on Rachel."

Schuyler smiles at him though its anything but friendly, "I don't need any help." She turns to walk away and Jesse knows he's losing her and really needs to try and salvage this.

"I'm sure she'll fall for your charms eventually but what if it happens tonight?" He has only a slight chance of accomplishing what he's saying but he at least sounds confident enough such that Schuyler actually stops.

"You make that happen and I'll get you a five episode arc on prime time."

#$#$#$#$#$

"I can't believe you missed your flight." Rachel sounds crushed as she hunches forward, her posture showing defeat even as she holds the phone closer to her ear. "I needed you here, Kurt...No..I mean I understand and I'm happy that things are going well in Paris. It's just that with my dads still in Greece and Quinn..." Rachel trails off, not really sure what to say about Quinn. They were still together as far as she knew even if it didn't feel like it and the fact that she hadn't seen her in over a month.

"No...I don't understand. I know it's work and she's not blowing me off but it does feel that way sometimes. I just want to share these things with her, have her be here to hold my hand. God...I can't even remember what it feels like to hold her hand. And it's Finn's anniversary at the end of the week..." There's this hitch to her voice that actually makes Jesse feel bad.

But then he sees the posters of Rachel's show adorning the walls and it feels like she's lucky enough and maybe he needed a chance too. So he grabs two champagne flutes and stands next to her as she continues to talk to Kurt. He's actually happy that no one has actually turned up for her, making his current job so much simpler. The white pill he drops into one of them dissolves relatively quickly.

"I miss you too. At least Jesse's here." She actually reaches out to give his hand a squeeze and he has to once again convince himself that he needs to look out for himself and not for her.

He rolls his eyes when he hears negative noises from the phone, knowing that as usual Kurt was warning her about his motives. This time he's actually correct but Jesse can let on so he smiles at Rachel and mimes hanging up the phone.

When she does, he hands her the glass, "Here's to the most amazingly talented actor I know." He clinks glasses with her and downs the drink before watching her as she does the same.

"Are you talking about me or you?" Her voice is semi joking as she bumps shoulders with him. Despite his narcissistic slant, he had been the only person to stick by her and was actually here by her side unlike everyone else. "Thanks for being here."

He sees her hand shaking as she reaches out to straighten his collar. "You can't be nervous, surely."

Rachel picks up on the reference as she smiles and replies, "I am nervous and stop calling me Shirley." She looks at her hands and the fact that they are shaking does throw her. At any other time, all it would take was Quinn's voice in her ear, her lips close enough as her breath tickled her skin.

"Here." His voice is kind as his hand sticks out and she sees the white pill nestled in it. Rachel shakes her head, even as she stares at the pill, wondering if it would really calm her, centre her and make her forget that she's still so alone in this.

Jesse takes her hand and places the pill there, before closing her fingers round it, "You don't have to take it but just hold on to it. You never know. Besides, Schuyler says... " he trails off even as he sees her eyes widen at the mention of the name.

He had been the one to introduce her to Schuyler, never expecting it to work out so well for her and leaving his own career in the dust. Even now, it all really seems to revolve around Rachel. "She says you have to relax because its just going to get crazier."

His words having an immediate effect as Rachel snags a glass of wine and gulps half of it down, the effect of it almost instantaneous as she feels somewhat disconnected, less anxious but no less lonely because Quinn still wasn't there.

She tries to call Quinn about six times, finally giving up when she leaves a voicemail consisting of about half a minute of silence before she breaks down and hangs up. The text messages from Santana and Brittany are great but she can't bring herself to call them, not wanting to sound desperate on what is suppose to be one of the happiest nights of her life.

She's at the open bar terrace, another half finished drink in front of her when she sees Schuyler sitting next to her. "How long have you been sitting there?" Not really caring about the answer but thinking that she needs to at least appear social to her new manager.

"What's wrong?" Schuyler sounds concerned, her hand touching Rachel's and that touch makes her feel like crying. "Rachel, you were amazing. The pilot tested through the roof and your song is playing everywhere. You're a success and...you're beautiful." Schuyler leans in, intentions so clear until Rachel slips off her chair, unsteady on her feet but her own intention clear as well.

"I..I can't." She shoves her hands into her pocket, needing some distance because she feels like everything is falling apart even if its all in her head. Her fingers touching the white pill that Jess had given her earlier.

"Rachel. I'm so sorry...Don't worry...I'm not going to do anything. You're safe with me. I just want you to be happy."

The familiarity of the words blur with this deep need to just want to feel something. "I am happy." The tears in her voice belying her words because she can't remember being happy.

"No you're not but I want you to be, whatever it takes." Schuyler does not make any move, her words the only thing flowing between them. She sees Rachel look down at her palm and sees what's there. Jesse's handiwork most probably and it actually looks like its working.

Schuyler doesn't say anything when Rachel dry swallows the pill. "I'm going to be here for you." She finally gives in and pulls Rachel forward, hands going around her waist. Just standing there swaying the the music, Rachel's head on her shoulder. "Just please give me a chance."

"I miss her. I miss her so damn much but I couldn't even speak to her. This is suppose to be my night and I can't even talk to her."

"Then talk to me. I'm here." Schuyler gives in, her lips brushing Rachel's cheek, hovering millimeters away, not wanting to push but not being able to pull away either. "Rachel."

That first kiss really initiated by her as she finally makes her move. It's tentative but she does not give up until she feels Rachel respond.

**_The Present_ **

She looks at Quinn standing in her room, her shoulders slumped and an unreadable look on her face. And all Rachel can process is the fact that Quinn hadn't chosen her.

She hadn't really chosen Jess either but her plea had been impassioned, the words indicating that she still wanted Jess in her life. And Rachel knows that Quinn truly felt that she had given up on them. It may not have been the case, the past such a blur to her but deep down all she knows is that she's always loved Quinn.

"I called you...left so many messages. I screwed up by kissing Schuyler but I didn't give up, I just lost my way. You said you wouldn't leave unless I made you...I never meant to make you leave. I lost my way and you were suppose to find me. You always found me before." Rachel knows she's putting too much on Quinn but there was always no one else who understood her, who accepted her and who had promised to find her.

"You came to LA didn't you?" It all made sense, Quinn had tried to find her, had tried to ensure she wouldn't get lost only she had and for that split second, she had lost faith as well. "I needed a second chance. You didn't even give me a second chance." She's crying again but she needs to get all of it out. To put all of it on the line and to say all the things to Quinn that she never got to say. She sees Quinn about to respond but she powers on.

"No..I need to say this, I need to make you see that you left me too. I hurt you, I know I promised not to but you never let me explain. I told Santana I needed you and you needed me too and everyone makes mistakes. I made a mistake and you should have found me." She's surprised that Quinn's crying too but at least she finally got to tell Quinn all of it.

"I didn't give you a chance to decimate me. It hurt Rachel...seeing you kiss her, knowing I gave up my life to be with you but you still kissed her anyway. And I waited outside...For everyone to leave, for a chance to speak to you." She had seen Rachel stumble out, her arms around Schuyler. Their body language so easy to read and Quinn had hoped to be wrong.

Only the kiss by the car had been even longer than the one in the club and then she had thrown up when Schuyler's hands slowly find their way under Rachel's skirt as they stand next to a car. "I saw her touch you and you let her. What did you expect me to do? Wait for you to finally destroy us, destroy me? I tried to find you and when I did, I realized you needed to want that too. I can't keep doing this. You have to let me go." Quinn sees Rachel reach out to grab her hand and she does not move.

"I can't let you go." Rachel's voice is adamant. They're at an impasse and Rachel tightens her hold on Quinn's hand. She can't let go, she won't.

"I..." All she feels though in Rachel's hand in hers, her concentration on that singular touch point. She turns away though and that's when she spot the man by the door. The one from the attack but all she sees is the gun in his hand and she reacts before she even hears the sound of the shot.

**End Part 11**


	12. Chapter 12

**Meant To Be**

**_"Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."  
― Dalai Lama XIV_ **

Jess looks at her watch, the minute hand just moving to three minutes after five. She had steeled herself to expect this outcome, she really had. Telling herself that she deserved better and that no matter what, she was going home and back to her job and her life.

Quinn had been a beautiful distraction, someone whom she had fallen so hard for and the heartbreak now had been worth the laughter and love they had shared, no matter how short a time it had been.

"Jess." Quinn's voice is ragged as she stands there, bag in hand, head bowed as she tries to fight back the tears that have been threatening to fall since the incident at the hospital. And they do as soon as Jess's arms go around her, all the hurt and pain pouring out as she falls to her knees, not caring that people are watching and wondering. Quinn tries not to make a sound though, swallowing her cries even as the tears continue to flow.

The announcement for their flight comes too soon and Jess wonders if they should just take the later one as she tightens her hold on Quinn before whispering in her ear, "We can take the next flight, whatever you need, I'm here." It's then that she finally gets a good look at Quinn and realizes that even if she was there for the blonde, Quinn was someplace else.

"What happened?" She's almost sure she doesn't want to know but they had been friends before they became more and that friendship was still the bedrock of their relationship or at least what was left of it. Jess always knew she didn't have all of Quinn and knowing she wouldn't have her going forward hurt but at least now she knew.

"We should catch the flight." Quinn's voice is thick with tears and so weary as she stands up, wondering if she could really leave but knowing she didn't have a choice, not if she believed in that one last chance. "I'll tell you all of it but on the flight, ok?" She can't bear to be in LA one second longer. Needing to get out of this town where she had lost so much and really couldn't afford to lose anymore.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

Jess watches her down her second drink before she gently places her hand on Quinn's arm, a form of comfort as much as a sign to stop.

"What happened? Is Rachel ok?" Jess does not reach out again, instead she clasps her hands in front of her and waits for Quinn to answer. She waits for a long while, just looking at Quinn's profile as she tilts her head back on the seat, her eyes closed but her entire body so tense.

"Quinn?" Her voice goes soft as she finally reaches out only to have Quinn pull back her hand. The sigh she let's out is audible and shows her frustration the only way she knows how. But at least she gets a reaction at last as Quinn turns to look at her, the expression on her face so visceral that Jess can feel her pain.

"She let me go." The words so softly spoken as if she can't believe them, the expression on her face morphing to uncertainty. "Rachelloves me and she let me go." It's as if she needs to repeat them, maybe a few hundred times before they sink in. Quinn squeezes her eyes shut, a tear leaking out from the side that she quickly swipes away.

"And..." Jess takes a deep breath, knowing she may not like or want the answer to her next question but she just wasn't the type to settle. "And you didn't want her to let you go...did you?

There's no guilt on Quinn's face, just shell shocked acceptance as she shakes her head.

"So why are you here, Quinn? I know it's not for me." And her words finally bring realization to Quinn as she realizes that she's hurting Jess with her current actions and she needed to try and fix it.

Her hand reaching out to hold onto Jess, wanting to reinforce her words with that touch. "I never meant to hurt you or to make you think that you're not worth it because you are. You're amazing and kind and you pushed me when I needed it. I love you for that."

"But you're still in love with Rachel." It's not a question but more of a capitulation on her part because she meant what she had told Rachel in the hospital, she didn't fight unless she knew she would win and she had to admit that this was a battle she was destined to lose because even if Rachel had let Quinn go, she could see that Quinn just couldn't do the same.

"You know what...?" Jess tempers her words with a small smile, knowing that she needed to get this out for Quinn as much as it was necessary for her. "You don't deserve me. I have a medical degree, I can cook like a Michelin star chef and am absolutely awesome in bed." The look on Quinn's face is almost worth the deep hurt she feels in her heart.

But she still feels like she's lost something or at the very least missed out on something special. However, it really wasn't in her power to push and even before they were lovers, she had been Quinn's friend which meant that she still needed to know why Quinn was still so gutted.

"Why are you here? What made Rachel let you go?" Her voice goes soft as she does not let go of Quinn's hand. She wonders if Quinn will actually say anything more and is kind of surprised when she does. Her words tentative at first but gaining momentum as she tells Jess all of it, her words stilted in places as she described all that occurred at the hospital until she got sedated and woke up alone.

**_Earlier In The Day_ **

Rachel picks up on the change in Quinn almost instantaneously as she also reacts at about the same time, almost launching herself out of the bed. There was no way she was going to let Quinn save her, not when she needed to prove that she could save the both of them.

Her arms go around Quinn even as her body twist around, in effect shielding Quinn as best she can. The sound of the shot is so loud that she flinches as does Quinn but Rachel does not let go. She feels Quinn struggle and knows that the bullet didn't hit her and prays that it hadn't hit Quinn either.

"Are you ok?" She chokes out the words, hoping to hear a response but all she hears are shouts from outside and another shot fired followed by noises of a struggle that just makes her hold on that much more tightly to a struggling Quinn. "Please Quinn."

"I'm...ok...I'm fine. Rachel..you have to let me go. I need to... " Quinn finally breaks out of her grasp and immediately turns, her hands touching Rachel as if trying to ascertain if she was hurt, ignoring the continued disturbance at the entrance of the room, her focus solely on Rachel. "Are you ok?" She emphasizes the words, her hand going up to touch Rachel's cheek as tears just spill out but at least she feels Rachel's arms around her again.

Quinn knows that she's truly reached her limit as all her emotions break loose and she can't seem to control anything, not the shivering or the tears or the need to just hold on to Rachel and not let go. She's worked so hard to always hold everything in even at the worse of times, only ever allowing just the smaller things to surface.

She had been erratic in high school and Rachel really had been the only one who could reach her and when the finally got together, Rachel had also been the only one she felt comfortable in showing the spectrum of her emotions. So when Rachel left, she just locked all of it away.

Mika had helped but talking about it and showing it were just two different things. And right now, the only thing Quinn knows is Rachel's the only thing holding her together and she doesn't want to let Rachel go. In fact she doesn't ever want to let her go again.

"Check up on them and get that son of a bitch off the floor and out of my sight." Detective Collins grits the words out, his hands now shaking from the surge of adrenaline that he has trouble holstering his gun. He actually has to close his eyes and take a number of deep breaths before he finally puts his gun away. The doctor and nurse heed his words and immediately attend to Rachel and Quinn while the two police officers pick up Marek Tosovic off the floor.

He turns to see Rachel Berry ignoring the nurse trying to tend her as she holds on to Quinn, the other woman's sobs getting louder by the second as pain and grief seem to flow out. He's pretty sure she hadn't been shot. His being the only gun fired, first with a warning shot and then to take Tosovic down.

He didn't expect the perp to be that stupid and try and get to Rachel in the hospital. It showed desperation and considering Rachel hadn't seen anything, it seemed odd. But luckily he had been here. "Ms Berry, I am sorry to do this."

It deja vu for the both of them as he sees that she recognizes his words, her eyes narrowing before she glances down at the woman that she's holding. "Could you give her something?" Her voice is soft as she addresses the doctor who glances at him so he nods as well. Perhaps the biggest difference from then and now was Rachel seemed less afraid.

He tries not to look at them, their embrace not intimate but he feels like he's intruding. He waits until the shot is about to be administered before he looks up again. This time he sees Quinn Fabray trying to struggle as she tries to protest.

He can't hear what Rachel is whispering in her ear but it works wonders as Rachel leans back in the bed and pulls Quinn with her before the doctor finally manages to administer the sedative.

Again, he tries not to look as Rachel strokes Quinn's hair, softly singing until the blonde finally drifts off. Only then does she speak to him, her voice rough with tears maybe or just from the ordeal she's endured. "Is it over?"

He wants to nod his head and tell her yes, explain that the bad guy was in custody and she could go back to her life or maybe go back to rebuilding it considering she was still an addict. However, his instincts have always been dead on and right now they're telling him that it was far from over.

Coming after Rachel made no sense unless they thought she knew something. The entire story didn't fit together in his head."Why did you go to Jesse's that night and why were you so drugged up?" Grant knows there has to be more to the story that he's been told and he just hopes that Rachel trusts him enough to let him help.

You shot him... Before he could harm Quinn..thank you." She reaches out to touch his hand before retreating again and he's almost sure he's not going to get more out of her until she stares at the blood smeared floor.

The image of Jesse sprawled against the wall, his blood slowly flowing on the floor hits her and she remembers why she had gone over that night.

_"I need to end it..I do. You can't expect me to keep doing this because of your shit. I'm done." She almost misses the stop sign and jams on her brakes, her hands tightening on the steering wheel as she glances at her purse knowing she could pop a pill to calm herself down._

_"She'll kick me off the show and I need the money. Damn it Rach, do you have to be so selfish. I'm on the brink of finally making it big." He sounds desperate and she feels guilty for doing this knowing he has helped her in so many ways. The pills he gets for her, allowing her to get through the hectic days and she knows that the ones Schuyler gives her are doctored so she does need Jesse still._

_"Just don't do it tonight. Come over to my place and I'll get that Pinot Noir that you like and I have your prescription as well. Just don't let that bitch take it off you." He starts out cajoling but sounds agitated at the end and it makes Rachel worried._

_"Jesse, what's wrong? If you need money, I can help..." She's loaned him money before, not really large sums but he's also never really paid any of it back but she doesn't care._

_"Jesus...Rach..if it was just about the money I wouldn't be this crazy. These guys, they're serious. I mean, it's not only the money...they own my ass ever since I took that first shipment and now they need me and they're never going to let me go." His tone now edged with desperation but Rachel just doesn't understand what he's getting at._

_What shipment? Jesse...are you in trouble. Do you need anything...How can I help?" She's offering because she can hear his desperation and though it scares her, she won't ignore it like she had some things in her life. It was too late to make up for past mistakes but she wasn't going to repeat mistakes either._

_Rachel hears his nervous laughter over the phone that in no way sounds joyful and she feels compelled to help. "What do you need?" The plea in her voice is strong but she still has to wait for sometime before she hears his quiet response._

_"Tomas and Marek. Can you remember the names?" he says them like they're important and she nods even though she knows he can't see her._

_"Yes but who are they?" She knows he's been dealing on the side but always assumed it was a part time thing driven by boredom. Everything he's said so far though indicates that it's more complicated than that and possibly more dangerous. "Are you in danger?"_

_"I..no..I mean as long as no one.." He stresses the word,"As long as they get what they want, it's fine. Just come over. I think I'm getting paranoid being by myself and I promise I'll tell you more."_

The memory recall is so clear that she knows its just due to not being under the influence of any substance and just having the time to remember the past, both the good memories along with the bad ones. She looks at Detective Collins as he scribbles down her words, finally meeting her gaze.

"He's going to come for me, isn't he..this Tomas Tosovic" she doesn't frame it as a question but more of a statement of fact as she looks over at Quinn sleeping next to her, her hand already reaching out to touch her. "He thinks I know something and whether I do or not is irrelevant because he killed Jesse and he'll want to kill me and.." She chokes on her next words, "And he's the type that will hurt anyone to get what he wants." Maybe she echoing words that Jesse had used but her mind is still so scrambled when it comes to what actually happened and she's not sure she'll ever fully remember.

And it becomes all so real when Detective Collins just nods at her words, confirming her worst fears. However, that deep rooted fear also brings with it such clarity about her priorities as she fully realizes her predicament but also understands exactly what she need to do.

Before she says anything though, she turns to Quinn, whispers in her ear and kisses her. Rachel does not care that Quinn's sleeping and won't ever remember her words or that chaste kiss but its more of a promise to herself that she knows she will keep at all costs as long as she was alive.

Grant averts his eyes knowing that its a private moment and wishing that he could give them some privacy but he also needs to protect them and he can see that Rachel wants the same thing. So he looks away and waits for her to tell him what she wants to do. He can see a different woman than the scared, drugged out celebrity he had first met in this very hospital. She looked the same, beautiful, somewhat damaged but still wide eyed but somehow she seemed more present and more alive like she has a strong purpose.

It wasn't difficult to see that her purpose was wrapped in the package that was Quinn Fabray. And his instincts are proven correct when she addresses him again, her hand still holding onto Quinn's.

"You need to give her a message from me. I'll write it but you need to give it to her only after she leaves and when she's safely back in New York. I... I would like to believe that she loves me enough to want to stay with me." Rachel looks at Quinn when she says the words knowing in her heart that she has to love Quinn more than she needs her. And only then will they be ready to be together again for good.

"But I need help to stop being dependent on drugs or on her and I need to help you find the man who killed Jesse. And I can't do either if Quinn is here." Rachel knows there's a strong possibility that she could relapse or actually get killed but as long as Quinn was shielded from it, she knows that the small probability of them finally being together we just going to improve.

"Can you help me?" It's so difficult to ask for help but she knows she can't do it by herself and though its difficult, it does feel ok to admit that she truly needs the help. And she knows it won't be the last but at least she really wants to change not so that Quinn would be happy but for her own edification and the knowledge that eventually it will pay off and she would be ready for Quinn.

He can see that she's actually asking for more than just protection and he knows that he also wants to offer more help than that. "An ex college friend runs a retreat in Colorado. Quiet and discreet but more than that,it's a place to heal."

He sees that she's a bit shock that he's mentioned her addiction even before highlighting the danger she's in. But then he also knows that she's one smart lady and can see that she understands that internal demons can hurt and damage a lot more than external ones. "We're going to catch Tomas. He's not in our system but with your testimony and Marek's involvement, I'm sure we're going to put the both of them away for a very long time."

The only thing that makes him slightly uncomfortable is the fact that she won't resolve things with Quinn. A letter was one thing but not having any conversation beforehand seemed harsh. "The sedative will wear off and..." He sees tears form almost instantaneously and knows that she's hurting.

"I want nothing more than to talk to her and explain but I know that if she says even one word about staying, I'm not sure that right now, I'm strong enough to push back and say no.I need her so much but I know I can love her more.I need to get to that point."

#$#$#$#$#$#

Santana doesn't know what to feel although she can see that Brittany kind of does as her wife reaches out to hug Rachel so tightly that she's sure that the brunette is bordering on suffocation.

Listening to a stone cold sober Rachel explain her past actions and articulate every single one of her regrets while at the same time lay out her plan to change all of it and work hard to do so, all because she loved Quinn was incredibly heartening.

Although expecting her to promise not to tell Quinn any of it was perplexing and just plain idiotic which was why she does not know really how to react. "You're going to turn your life around and it's fucking hard but you're committed to doing that so why the hell won't you want Quinn to know?" She's not angry at Rachel but just the circumstance.

Rachel knows she needs to remember who she was and get to being that person again before ever expecting Quinn to accept her back. And in the meantime, it was unfair for her to ask Quinn to wait until that occurred. She truly wants to change and be that better Rachel but it was not guaranteed despite her tenacity and determination, she knows it won't be easy and relapsing or Tosovic finding her all could occur before she got back to Quinn.

So she wants to really let Quinn go and see if she could find happiness. Maybe it would be with Jess or maybe someone else but she needed to just let Quinn go first.

"Because I love her enough to want her to know whom and what she truly wants without feeling beholden or being too caught up in the past. And I have faith in us that we really belong together. I just need you to promise me that you'll look out for her and if she...if she wants to find me just let her know that I will hopefully find her and in the meantime...I just want her to be happy."

Santana's torn between wanting to hug Rachel and wanting to slap her but in the end she takes her cue from Brittany and pulls Rachel into another bear hug, "You take care of yourself and come back because whatever I say...I think she'll only ever be happy with you."

**End Part 12**


	13. Chapter 13

**Meant To Be**

_**That's why I love you and yet not why.** _

_**There are so many reasons, and yet so few,** _

_**for love has to be so,** _

_**involving and general,** _

_**particular and terrifying,** _

_**joyful and grieving,** _

_**flowering like the stars,** _

_**and measureless as a kiss."** _

_**― Pablo Neruda** _

"We got him. He tried to sneak back across the Mexican border and one of the border patrol team is a huge fan of yours and recognized the resemblance to his brother. It's the break we've been looking for." Detective Collins wishes he could see the relief on her face but settles for the heartfelt 'thank you' that he hears from her.

"How are you?" It's really a simple question but he knows that the answer needed is so complex. He had been amazed that she had stayed in LA for an additional month, finishing up the last few episodes for the TV season and putting up with the fear of being hunted along with that crippling loneliness that he tried his best to make up for.

He had made it his duty to protect her, even on his days off, right until he managed to put her on that plane to Colorado. Then he spent all his time tracking down Tomas. Every lead no matter how small until two days ago when they finally caught a break. He had admitted some time back that he was a fan of hers, maybe not her show but definitely her voice and apparently he wasn't the only one. The US Immigration officer who had made the arrest had also requested an autograph from Rachel if that was possible.

"I'm getting better..."Rachel pauses not because she doesn't want to tell him the truth but mainly due to the fact that she feels embarrassed by her next words though it doesn't stop her from saying them. "But I still feel like I need to fill this void and I know I may never be able to...and then I think I need to take a pill or two just to get through the day. I haven't though."

He reminds her so much of Finn, of the man he could have become if he had lived. She doesn't feel guilty for his death anymore, only guilty for never telling him sooner that he was trying to be someone else and he just needed to be happy with himself. And that was what she was trying to do for herself as well.

Grant hears this yearning in her voice and wishes things were different for her and maybe even for him. He knows she's taken in all sense of the word, her heart pledged to someone a long time ago and she's fighting to find her way back. And he's a romantic at heart so even if he thinks he can protect her always, he knows that somehow he's not the destined choice. "That's good, Rachel, really it is. Each day it's going to get just a little bit better and eventually you're going to be able to see that."

"Did you...Have you..." She still gets calls from Brittany and even Santana. Five to ten minute conversations every other day, nothing that tires her out and at least she feels supported even if the one person she wishes to hear from is the only one from whom she won't take calls.

"Not since I gave her your letter. Tommy says she calls everyday to ask to speak to you." Tommy had been his frat brother most of college before getting into drugs and flunking out. He managed to turn his life around though with the help of his family and his college girlfriend and now wife, who stuck by him.

At first he wasn't sure if a choice based program was her best bet at getting better and he and her tenacious lawyer friend had pull every string they could to get her an overview of every type of rehab facility in California and New York before he finally introduced her to Tommy.

And it was the ranch as much as the knowledge that she would be a guest there, able to take a few calls and spend her time reading and just learning about herself, about her addiction but also finding her own strength that made the choice easy. She had a hand in coming up with her daily schedule and chose the people she could hear from.

Schuyler Hansen had asked to be included and Santana had gone ballistic. And after the first call, Rachel had told her in no uncertain terms that they were through. And when Quinn had also reached out, he had thought that that particular call would go through as well only it hadn't.

"I wait by the desk so I can hear her voice when the nurse on duty picks up." Just hearing Quinn's alto makes her heart skip a beat and each time, she truly wants to grab the phone but she holds herself back because she still feels that gnawing need within that she knows she needs to get rid off before she can be with Quinn.

"She's made friends with Anne, Rob and about their families like how Lily's sister just got a job in Miami and Rob asked her for advice on his thirtieth anniversary gift. And..she tells them about her..her life." She doesn't want to hear it from Brit or San and its the closest thing to talking directly to Quinn.

She's not sure if Quinn actually knows she's there for these calls but she wants to believe that Quinn does. "She's spending a lot of time in Paris working on a merger and meeting Kurt but she still goes for therapy when she can. And.." Rachel pauses again because this part is hard but she knows that eventually it will get better. "And she tells them that she misses me."

#$#$#$#$#$#$

_"And in entertainment news, TV and Broadway star, Rachel Berry has confirmed she's in rehab. No details about where or what she's recovering from but her colleagues on the set of her show all wish her a swift recovery. And we have more good news for this beleaguered star. In breaking news, we have just confirmed that the police incident that she had been involved with has also been closed with the arrest of this man. Tomas Tosovic has been arrested in connection with the murder of actor Jesse St James. Mr. St James had a few roles on TV and is most remembered for his stint on Ms Berry's show where the duet they sang went to number one on the billboard charts."_

The news story gets her attention and Quinn picks up the phone, wanting to call Rachel but realizing its not time as yet. She's never spoken to the brunette but she knows that Rachel is there when she calls. So she stays on for as long as possible, having a conversation with the person on duty, telling them about herself and praying that Rachel can hear the love in her voice.

She almost drops the phone when it rings but recovers enough to answer it as she walks to her kitchen to grab the bottle of scotch she has in one of the cupboards.

"Hello."

"Hey Quinn...I just saw the news story.." Mika just thought to call, not sure if Quinn needed a therapist or a friend right now but knowing she could be either. Jess was actually with her and looking anxiously as she made the call. The both of them still somewhat worried for Quinn even though she seemed to be doing ok. "I was wondering if you wanted to talk about it. Over a drink or in my office..."

Quinn pours the amber liquid into the glass and takes a gulp before answering. "I'm having that drink right now but don't worry...I'm not going to have more." She's cognizant that Rachel is trying her best to get better which meant she couldn't let herself slip either.

"What do you need?" Mika's voice adopts the tone she's utterly familiar with and at least it brings with it, it's own form of comfort.

"Do you think she'll ever be ready?" Quinn sounds unsure, her voice small as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She has faith, she really does but every now and then, she needs some encouragement that it'll work out or at least a shot of reality that even if it didn't, Rachel was going to be alright.

"We'll she's fighting for it...she's fighting for you and I don't think this is going to your head for me to say but you are worth it. Just keep making those calls and Jess is asking how your plans are coming along?" Mika would have loved having Quinn be part of the family through Jess but she also wanted the best for her cousin which meant finding someone who was not already taken.

Jess had spent the weekend helping Quinn and at last they were back to being friends. And Santana had actually set Jess up on a blind date which had gone disastrously but at least made Brittany sorry enough to finally introduce her to one of her dancer friends. They've been on two dates so far, both of which Amy turned up for on time and they had been wonderful.

It didn't mean that she doesn't regret losing Quinn and that was putting it kindly because it was difficult to admit that she never really had Quinn to begin with at least not the way she truly wanted. "Tell her she's doing the right thing at long last and I feel that it's going to work out. Rachel's stronger than she gave herself credit for and when I see her again, I'm going to tell her that. Besides, I owe her an apology."

Mika nods and focuses on the call again, "I assume you heard that." She smiles when she hears the relief in Quinn's voice knowing that all Quinn really needed was just a bit of support. She finally knew what she wanted to do and she was just waiting for the right time. Quinn was anything but patient. However Mika knows that when it came to Rachel, Quinn would wait forever. She just hoped that Rachel wouldn't make Quinn wait too long.

"Yeah...thanks guys...I really needed that. I'm going to call the facility in an hour or so and fingers crossed maybe she'll finally speak to me today." Quinn knows she's surprised all of them with her patience and almost zen demeanor. And really, it had come down to a choice for her. She had thought protecting her heart was necessary only to realize that it meant never feeling that deep seated passion that she needed to drive her. And any other substitute,be it constant work or even Jess just couldn't replace the love she felt for Rachel.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

Quinn hears the knock on her door and can guess who was on the other side. She knows how very lucky she is as she opens the door to a beaming Brittany who pulls her into a hug almost immediately before heading for the kitchen to pour herself a drink.

Santana was most likely still at work and she would probably show up in an hour or so but in the meantime, Britt was there for moral support as she makes her nightly call to Rachel. She feels Britt squeeze her shoulder, providing the the right amount of encouragement as she settles on her sofa and picks up her phone.

She looks at the work schedule and knows that it's Lily's shift. Quinn knows that all the nurses have a soft spot for Rachel but Lily was different because she had been the first one who had hinted to Quinn that Rachel was listening.

It had been her fourth call to the facility and she had been tempted to stop. Only Lily had prompted her to answer question for her. At first it seemed innocuous, just something about how her day had been. She had answered as honestly as she could and one question led to a few more.

She could have sworn she had heard Rachel's voice, soft but still so discernible and it had given her hope. Not the strong faith from before but just that sliver of hope that Rachel had heard her as well.

Quinn can't believe how much she actually looks forward to these daily calls. Always taking them at home and never missing one of them for the past eighteen days. So she launches into her conversation the second when Lily picks up, "Hey Lily, so what do you have planned for the weekend?"

"Actually...it's Rachel." That voice is so damned familiar that Quinn feels light headed as she leans back into the sofa, her hand on her heart as she feels it race in her chest. She's thought about this happening so many times, had practiced what she wanted to say but nothing comes out even as she grips the phone tightly to her ear.

"I'm sorry I haven't...I wasn't sure I should answer but Lily got called away for an emergency and I knew you were calling." Every night at nine, like clockwork. It's what she looked forward to. Unlike before, it wasn't something that she needed to sustain her for the day to come but more something that she knew was just for her.

That knowledge that the call was validation enough of Quinn's love for her such that it outweighed her need to actually hear Quinn tell her that. But she also knows that maybe she should be there for Quinn as well. She hadn't been the only one hurt in their relationship. The only difference was that Quinn had a better support system and maybe she didn't hurt herself physically but it didn't mean that she didn't hurt emotionally.

"How was your day, how's work?" Rachel can't remember the last time she had asked Quinn that. Always launching into how her own day went and not wanting to hear too much about Mergers or Quarterly Results. And Quinn had let her get away with that, never pushing to share her day.

Because of all of that, she knows she's almost made Quinn speechless. "You had a deal in LA?..." Rachel trails off, hit by the fact that she doesn't miss LA. She misses the work and maybe her cast mates but not the city.

Quinn doesn't know how to respond. She's always known that her job was just that to Rachel; a job. It wasn't a calling or something that Rachel could relate to except for the fact that she shared the profession with Rachel's dad. Even then, he had more in common with Santana, having had a long career as a trial lawyer.

"Quinn?" And it's that question in her voice wrapped up in that caring tone that finally prompts her.

"I...Joel's on vacation..Niagara Falls for his fortieth anniversary with Pearl so I didn't have my coffee before I had.."

"Your Monday partners meeting." Santana had told her of the promotion and she had been so proud of Quinn, knowing how hard she had worked and how much she wanted the position. Again, she knows she's made Quinn speechless. "Congratulations, it's really great news I mean.."

This time it's Quinn who cuts in, falling into a natural rhythm of the conversation, "It's a non-equity position, Rachel. I mean I wanted it, I really did but its not a big deal." She snorts when she hears Rachel's response and Brittany's laughter that follows.

"Tell that to Santana, I mean I know she calls to see how I'm doing but that particular call was all about you and the promotion which you did not deserve."

"...I did not deserve" Quinn joins in the refrain, knowing exactly what Santana was doing and so damn thankful to have her in their lives. Santana's calls made Rachel feel included but more than that, she was sharing their lives with Rachel, easing her back in with the hope that she would still want to be a part of their lives when the time came.

Quinn laughs and its a sound that Rachel misses so much that she feels that unmistakable pull and blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, "God I wish you were here..."

It's a wish more than a need but still she knows she's overstepped that boundary she's put on herself and it scares her as all her doubts creep back and she does not wait to let Quinn respond. "I'm sorry..i didn't mean..I mean. Lily's here." She pushes the receiver into Lily's hand before she rushes back to her room.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

Kurt does not know what to say so he remains silent for most of the flight. Vacillating between blaming himself and wanting to blame Quinn even though he knows that he himself ignored the signs each time Rachel called and even more so when she didn't.

He had been so caught up with Jean Jaques and his new life in Paris that he forgot that Rachel needed his support as much as he needed Rachel's friendship. He missed her terribly and even if he now had a partner whom he loved and trusted, he didn't have a friend who called him on it when he was being an ass.

The thought of almost losing Rachel after what they had gone through had been bracing. It had also made him drop everything and fly back Stateside. The dry air on the plane already causing his skin some problems not to mention the looks he was garnering because of his leather and lace outfit. He forgot that for all the rhetoric on acceptance and even if Colorado was not even in the mid west, he was still never going to fit in like he did in New York or Paris.

And because of that, he wonders how Rachel is doing stuck in Colorado, away from everyone only he knows that it hadn't been different when she had been in LA. So maybe this was a better place for her to be in order to get back to who she was before the issues in LA made her almost unrecognizable.

The car ride to the retreat is also mostly silent and it's only when the car passes the gates surrounding the compound does Quinn finally react. She had been on auto pilot ever since that one and only phone all with Rachel.

She hadn't been able to think of anything else, not the deals piling on her table or even the stupid date her boss had set her up on. The woman perfectly nice but in no way comparable to Rachel or even Jess. Quinn knew that she couldn't really concentrate unless she saw Rachel, not via any video call but face to face.

She knows that Rachel was far from recovered but she hadn't had a chance to say good bye, to actually utter those words but also promise that this time, it was going to be different for the both of them.

That letter she got had at least answered some of her questions but not the one she wanted. Detective Collins had actually flown to New York, waiting that first morning she had walked into work. That first second of thinking that something had gone wrong and happened to Rachel had caused her to stop in her tracks, her briefcase falling to the marble floor as her hands go to her mouth.

Luckily, he could read her and had immediately responded, telling her that Rachel was fine and he just had a message to deliver. The letter just one page, filled with an apology but also a promise, to get better and to do it for herself so that eventually, she could be the person that Quinn saw she could become, that shining star both loving and loved. No extraction of a promise to wait but just a strong wish for Quinn to be happy and free.

Except Quinn knows that she has to make this move. They're far from being together but it has to start with one small step and a few small words. And both those things couldn't be done via a call or any sort. It needed to be done in person.

She knows its not protocol and the last thing she wants to do is ruin Rachel's chances of recovery so she does not get out of the car when it does stop at the front door, instead she finally talks to Kurt.

"Remember our pact?" It had been forged over Finn Hudson's grave. The both of them crying for very different reasons but aligned when it came to ensuring Rachel understood that they both would love her, again in different ways but that love would survive. "Tell her I love her."

Kurt finally making eye contact as he shakes his head, "You can't back out now...I know you Quinn Fabray. You survived High School, Law School and breaking up with Rachel that first time. You're going to tell her yourself. She needs to hear it from you because I can bet you that the last time you said those words was too damn long ago."

He finally smiles for the first time in what feels like days when he sees her exit the car and walk towards the house, her shoulders square and a hopeful expression on her face that stays there until she sees the visitor list that she needs to sign, her focus on that last name on the sheet.

' _Schuyler Hansen'_

**End Part 13**


	14. Chapter 14

 

**Meant To Be**  
---  
  
**_"We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it."_ **

**_― Rainer Maria Rilke_ **

Quinn and Kurt walk into the main house, the sunlight streaming through the windows and the setting's almost ideal. The front desk is unobtrusive and more like a bed and breakfast than a rehab centre. Quinn doesn't recognize the name of the nurse on duty but smiles regardless, "Hi, I'm Quinn Fabray. I'm here to see Rachel Berry."

The nurse nods and smiles back before handing her a clipboard asking her to sign in. Quinn does the usual cursory glance down the list, not really expecting to see any recognizable names until she stumbles upon Schuyler's. Anger bubbles up from within but also fear, not of Schuyler but fear for Rachel.

Recovery wasn't easy at the best of times but to have to face the past especially the person that did nothing while Rachel spiraled out of control; that would make it even more difficult. She has faith in Rachel though, borne out of love but also that deep knowledge that no matter what, they were both strong and were going to be ok.

So she tamps down on that roiling emotion within and knows she has to see Rachel to tell her she does love her and to also let her know that she will let go of their past, of all their mistakes and all the stupid decision she had made that got them to this point.

"Rachel has another visitor?" Quinn wishes that the nurse knew who she was, that it was Anne or Lily or Rob there because they knew her and hopefully why she was there. Somehow, divining the fact that she loved Rachel more than anything just due to the daily calls and therefore she knows they would ensure that she got her chance.

"Umm, yes..I think they're taking a walk by the stables. If you like, I could show you up to her room and you can wait there?" The young nurse smiles again but it does not put Quinn at ease. She glances over at Kurt and can see that he's waiting for her reaction, biting down on his bottom lip as he tries to hold back his words.

Quinn nods at Kurt, grateful that he's letting her find her way again, hopeful that she's not too late."Could you show me where that is?" She smiles but does not let up. "We've flown all this way and I'm sure Schuyler won't mind."

Quinn sees the indecision on the young woman's face and is grateful when Kurt jumps in, "Is that a Isabel Wright scarf...you know I interned for her. Umm is the stables that way?"Kurt points to the back of the house and winks at Quinn when the girl nods. "I shouldn't do this but I have a picture of one of her latest dresses...it's genius. Do you want to see it?"

Before she can answer, Kurt turns to Quinn, "Quinn, why don't you go and find Rachel and I'll show..Melissa?" He reads her name off her tag,"my pictures."

Quinn gives him a grin so wide, that he can't help but grin back because they're both remembering the past, a shared history of crying and laughing together and of loving that one special girl that bound them together always.

She doesn't hesitate as she follows the hallway to the back of the building, the unobtrusive signs showing the way to the stables out back. It's a nice day out, the smell of honeysuckle in the crisp air and the sun not yet reaching its apex.

Her mood lightened somewhat until she hears the sound of retching and sees Rachel on her knees, her body convulsing as she throws up. Schuyler is next to her, one hand holding Rachel's hair as the other rubs circles on her back.

It's a familiar scene to her as she recalls that one vivid memory of stumbling back from a NYADA party, thrown after Rachel's amazing debut as lead in Guys and Dolls. Both their defenses down and she had been so tempted to just lean in, pull Rachel close and finally, finally show her what it meant to be loved.

Except timing was never their strong suit and the copious amounts of cheap sparkling wine they had consumed led to a marathon throwing up session for Rachel, most of the night. Rachel's hand held firmly in hers as they sat in the small bathroom.

She didn't leave then even when they weren't together as yet so now, there's just this one word going through her mind, ' _Stay_ '. Despite every instinct telling her otherwise, Quinn knows that there will really only be one truth for her and she needs to stay. "Rachel."

It's always been the way she says the name, her enunciation somehow infusing it with this longing emotion that highlights not only love but also faith. Just the one word, one name, but its meaning myriad because it does encapsulate love in all aspects to her.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel knew that what she was going to hear would be difficult. But Schuyler had been right in saying that she needed to know the whole truth, however sordid or pathetic she had been. Although with each sentence uttered by Schuyler, the picture she developed in her head became just too much to bear.

She had been manipulated by Jesse but she had also been so weak, so naive and just ridiculously stupid at every step, forgoing what was important for what turned out to be so transient in nature. Accepting that she had taken the first pill out of fear and loneliness was bracing but realizing that the subsequent usage was a crutch to make up for what she had carelessly given up, that truth was difficult to accept.

She had felt the bile rise up as Schuyler talked about how she had to check her purse or replace the pills she would find but mostly how she knew that Rachel didn't love her each time she closed her eyes or switched off all the lights, each time they made love.

All the words highlighting how selfish she had been not only to herself but to all those around her, using them and abusing herself all because she couldn't admit she had lost her way. It hurt to realize that Jesse had always just been looking out for himself and to understand that Schuyler's view about love was always more about the challenge than the act in and of itself.

But at least she had been honest about all of it. Only Rachel knows she had been just as complicit in letting it get out of hand. Their first sexual encounter fueled by the alcohol and drugs and over so quickly even though the aftermath lingered on for so long because Quinn had witnessed it without her knowing.

Such a waste of so much time and that thought alone makes her throw up, emptying the contents of her stomach all the while wishing she could purge all the words and memories Schuyler had brought with her.

Except Rachel knows that it's part of her recovery process, she needed to accept the way things had been, acknowledge her mistakes and then start to heal. She's amazed that Schuyler actually wanted to be part of the process, initially expecting her to just keep enabling her substance abuse, that first and only disastrous call still fresh in her mind.

_"I can't talk to you...Santana..I mean..." Rachel knows she has to take responsibility here. "I need to get better...I need to know where I went wrong and how I need to correct those mistakes."_

_She hears Schuyler sigh over the phone and can picture the blonde so clearly, her blue eyes piercing and Rachel understands that she had always been the one who had used her as a substitute for Quinn. And Schuyler had let her, for whatever reason, she had known that she didn't really have her heart but it didn't stop her._

_"Why did you.."Rachel does not know how to ask the question though._

_"I'm so sorry but you need to listen to me as well..I need to tell you everything.." Schuyler pleads over the phone, hoping that Rachel understands that all she wants to to make amends and maybe, just maybe get a chance to start over._

_She knows that her view of love is jaded and more about the conquest than the relationship but Rachel had been different from the onset. The pursuit in itself while enjoyable had also been eclipsed by actually caring about Rachel._

_Only she could never really differentiate between doing what was necessary and what was asked for. Schuyler knows that she had gone wrong there, giving into what Rachel asked for even though she knew it was the last thing she needed._

_"I'm sorry but I can't do this. Please don't call again."She feels scared and adrift and deep down Rachel knows she will eventually need to deal with her past but she just does not think she can do this as yet._

But then Schuyler had turned up and even if she still felt scared, those calls of Quinn's had made her realize facing her past was necessary in order for her to move on.

Except now hearing everything that had occurred and what she didn't do, it makes her feel small and stupid but even those thoughts are stopped by hearing her name fall from Quinn's lips.

She still hears that voice in her head, at night as she drifts off to sleep or at the oddest of times each time she feels like giving up. Only this is not her rampant imagination or the machinations of her drugged out mind.

She lifts her head to see Quinn standing there, looking so concerned and she holds her breath knowing what to expect next. Steeling herself for when Quinn sees Schuyler's arms around her and turns to leave. Rachel wonders if she'll ever get it right as she waits for Quinn's rejection.

Only it doesn't come as Quinn glances at Schuyler before looking at her as she waits. Rachel wipes her mouth as she finally scrambles to her feet. "You came...I.." She looks back to Schuyler who looks defiant as she stares at Quinn.

And Rachel knows that she should not feel guilty and she is actually relieved that she doesn't. What she does feel though is a need to clean and maybe finished her conversation with Schuyler and hopefully start one with Quinn.

"Don't leave. I need to get cleaned up but please don't leave." She looks at Quinn before looking at Schuyler, her soft words meant for both of them and she hopes they understand.

"Do you want me to come up with you?" Schuyler's question is followed up when Quinn steps forward towards Rachel, not saying anything but just nodding in acceptance.

It's a different Quinn from the one she encountered in LA. She recognizes this one, the patient one who waited for her for so long all because she had been blinded by that distant dream of marrying the quarterback because it would help vindicate her past.

"I just need to finish my conversation with Schuyler..." She sees Quinn nod again, her jaw clenching at the name but she does not say anything until she makes eye contact with Rachel.

"I finally realized that I'll always wait for you." It's more a promise for the future than the answer to her present question but Rachel knows its exactly what she needs to hear as she reaches out to touch Quinn's hand, finally giving in and pulling her close, her arms going around her, "I'm so glad you came...and please just don't give her a hard time."

She turns to Schuyler though, "Just give me fifteen minutes and then we'll finish our conversation." She sees Schuyler nod as she shoves her hands in the back pocket of her jeans before turning to look at Quinn.

Rachel feels like staying except Quinn finally leans in to whisper in her ear, "Trust me, please." Quinn's voice warm and comforting and Rachel understands that her past had affected Quinn just as much and maybe both Schuyler and Quinn needed to talk as well.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

Schuyler's always been the one to go on the offensive, never giving in even an inch, just pushing until she got her way. It was the way she got to the top of her field and if she were being honest with herself, it was the way in her relationships as well.

She would pursue someone relentlessly, always finally winning them over but somehow then losing interest, more driven by the chase than the conquest. All except for Rachel Berry, where the chase was satisfying but the subsequent relationship though frustrating was also the only one that kept her captivated.

There was just something about Rachel that made her want to forge that connection, to open herself up and to share her life. And it made her blind to the fact that Rachel just really wasn't completely hers.

She was selfish by nature though, knowing that the pills Rachel took made her accept what she didn't really want. And Schuyler took advantage of it, accepting attention instead of love because she actually did love Rachel in her own way. And she knows she needed to prove that and be honest about everything that had occurred, all the sordid details and the fact that she had been complicit in Rachel's addiction. And she didn't want to be. All she wanted was to be part of her recovery.

She came to Colorado to tell Rachel that, to put herself on the line and hope that Rachel could see that she was a viable choice. And it was obvious that Quinn was there to do the same thing.

"I'm not going to just give up. I want her to know the truth but I also want her to know that I love her." Her voice is low as she sees Quinn staring at her, both their postures tense even if she tries to appear nonchalant as if she's really having a normal conversation. And Quinn does surprise her as she smiles and shrugs her shoulders before answering.

"She deserves to be loved and she deserves to be able to chose whom she wants to be with." Quinn truly means what she says. She came to give Rachel support, to tell her that she really did believe in her and wanted her to be happy as well and to admit that she would wait but the choice had to be Rachel's.

She needed to learn to let Rachel go because she loved her and she hoped she could convince Schuyler of that as well. If she stripped out her jealousy and just focused on what Rachel needed, she could see the reason for Schuyler being there although she can't help the warning.

"I know you think you're being different now...that by coming here and finally being honest, you're going to show her that its better now and the both of you can be together again. Only it's never that easy because its so damn difficult to change, to know that you need to love her a lot more than you want her in your life because being with you may not be the best thing for her..." Quinn sees Schuyler about to interject so she barrels on, "And maybe it's the same with me. So I'm here to show her that whatever she wants...whomever she chooses, I just want her to be happy and well."

"And you think she'll chose you?" There's a challenge in Schuyler's voice that Quinn expects as does Schuyler's follow through. "You never fought for her, I admit I didn't do anything when she took those pills because they made her think that I could be a good substitute for you but you just ignored her completely...you never took her calls, ignored those telling tabloid photos and you knew...deep down, you knew that she needed you too."

"Yeah...I was..I am an absolute moron for not being there for her. People don't change that much but circumstances will. And you love her as do I...the only difference here is really who does she love..."

Quinn doesn't care about Schuyler's answer as she turns to walk back to the main house. She feels lighter somehow even if there's still that smidgen of doubt that despite everything, things may not always work out in the end.

But that was really why Kurt was here as she sees him wink at her when she makes her way back to the front desk. He's moved on to showing Melissa his own collection. It's bright and bold and very Kurt but then she hears what he says and it gives her even more certainty that things were finally coming together.

"It's the Berry collection." He remembers going through Rachel's closets over the years, cringing at some choices but then stumbling across stuff that was just divine, pieces here and there that were classic and when he found out about her issues, he had started to draw.

Dresses and skirts, pea coats and boots, hats even. An entire collection part homage and part created just for Rachel because he remembered the girl she was and the woman she became and he wants her to be able to remember being that special person. The Rachel Berry that they all loved and needed in their lives.

"It's beautiful." Quinn means it, already picturing Rachel in the clothes, a nod to her past but more than that, a reiteration of who she wanted to be again.

"How was your talk?" Kurt sounds anxious for the first time and only relaxes when he sees Quinn smile back, her words still not alleviating all his concerns but he can't mistake that smile. It's the one she reserves for Rachel, showing not only her love but just so much more, encompassing everything that she felt in that one smile.

"We haven't had it yet but..." She doesn't feel uncertain any longer. Finally accepting that it was only a matter of time for Rachel and her. It always had been. They had travelled on separate paths that intersected through the years and she knows that they'd eventually, finally connect again and be together in all ways.

"She's finishing up her talk with Schuyler." Quinn sees Kurt's eyes narrow as his expression shifts once again to anxiousness. "Rachel's strong...she just needed to remember that and I think she has."

Kurt's the one who ends up pacing up and down until both Schuyler and Rachel walk down the staircase towards them. Kurt already running towards Rachel to envelope her in a hug as Quinn takes stock of Schuyler, trying to divine what had occurred, hoping her instincts were correct.

Her heart constricting when she sees Schuyler wait until Kurt releases Rachel before she leans forward to kiss her. Quinn forces herself to not turn away as she sees Schuyler pull back and whisper in Rachel's ear before turning to walk away.

Quinn trying her hardest to keep all her emotions in check telling herself that she needs to be different here only she can recall that first glimpse of Rachel handcuffed to the bed so clearly that she knows she does need to do one last thing as she swiftly follows Schuyler outside.

She sees her open the door to the Mercedes SLK convertible and pushes it shut before spinning Schuyler around, her hands firmly grasping the lapels of her coat. "She nearly died because you either didn't do enough or worse did nothing. I'd like to tell you to stay the fuck away from her but I think she already told you that anyway." There's just a hint of fire in Schuyler's eyes until her last words hits and Quinn realizes that she had called it right after all.

She sees Schuyler grit her teeth before pushing her away but she still stands her ground, ensuring her message is clear even as Schuyler finally answers her.

"You're right that she does love you..." She spits the words out, "And I love her so I'm going to let her go. Only problem is you're not really worthy of it or of her but hey... It's her choice right?" Schuyler finally pushes Quinn away before getting into her car and driving away.

"Quinn?" It's always been the way they say each other's names. Threading such meaning into the word, expressing everything that she had held back for so long.

So when Quinn does finally turn around, all she can do is to step forward, her hands already pulling on Rachel's so that they're sharing the same space, the need to connect above all else as she finally kisses Rachel, wanting to do just that, the first time in LA but never allowing herself the chance until now.

**End Part 14**


	15. Chapter 15

**Meant To Be**

**_"It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it. And even more courage to see it in the one you love"_ **

**_― Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband_ **

The kiss speaks of promise and hope but like all things, it cannot bring with it a miracle of healing as Quinn finally pulls back, her forehead touching Rachel's as she breathes out fully. She's primed to move forward but she knows that it cannot be her decision alone. They had to make it together and she knows that for all her faith, Rachel still needed time to heal.

She can see that Rachel has lost weight again although unlike the tabloid pictures of old, she does not look unhealthy, her cheeks actually glowing slightly pink though she can't tell if its from the cold snap of air or the fervent kiss that they had shared.

And though she knows that she wants to tell Rachel so many things, she actually decides not to have the talk as the kiss ignites something between them that goes beyond words. So, Quinn instinctively links hands with Rachel as the most obvious of questions fall from her lips.

"Go out on a date with me?" The words are augmented with a tentative smile as she feels butterflies in her stomach take flight, just waiting for Rachel's response.

It reminds her of the moist palms and the accelerated heartbeat she had to endure that last year of high school, each time she anticipated seeing Rachel in the corridors or at Glee practice. Always hoping for a smile and to hear her sing. And accepting that even if the song was meant for Finn at the time, such strong emotions were beyond his comprehension and eventually knowing that Rachel would need so much more.

More love, more understanding and just more of everything. It was that one and only thought that propelled her forward and made her realize she needed to be worthy of Rachel, that she needed to go to Yale and be the person that could give Rachel more. She completely forgot that along the way, losing sight of what was important over what was just secondary. So she waits once again, her heart beating so loudly in her chest as she hopes for the best.

She glances at Kurt and can see that his eyebrows are raised so high that they disappear beneath the sweep of his hair. But he does look as hopeful as she had sounded as he clasped his hands together, his lips pressed tightly, not wanting to emit a sound as he too waits in anticipation for Rachel's response.

She's unsure if whether she had heard Quinn correctly. The tenor of her voice so familiar but the question in itself just a distant memory that she wants so badly to remember. But then she sees Quinn and she remembers that look, that anticipatory hopeful look and she utters just the one word, "Yes."

#$#$#$#$#$#$

There's not a whole hell of a lot of choices where they're at. But Quinn makes do as she marshals all the help she can get. Lily lends her car as Kurt insists on dressing the both of them. How he managed to sneak the dresses and shoes in his luggage along with his own version of cowboy chic mid west clothes, still astounds her. But she does not argue, instead looking forward to seeing Rachel in red.

Still, she felt honored when Rob appeared to pass her a bouquet of wild flowers and Anne winked as they walked passed her, Rachel's hand held firmly in hers. Each step building up her anticipation as strides forward to pull open the car door, smiling as she feels Rachel's fingers brush against hers.

That feeling that everything was going to work out almost overwhelming and all she can do is take a deep breath and rush to the driver's side, hopeful that she won't get lost on her way to the restaurant that Tommy had recommended.

Two wrong turns later and a short interlude by the side of the road where they made out like they were Brittany and Santana after glee practice, Quinn finally pulls up to the discreet building. She feels Rachel's hand tighten around hers and she thinks maybe they should go back to about ten minutes ago, when Rachel's hand was curled around the back of her neck, pulling her forward as they kissed.

Sense memory flooding back, of lips so soft, fitting against hers. Breathing in tandem, tasting, touching, feeling everything all at once. Quinn suddenly feels like they're moving too fast and she needs to go backwards, to try and recapture everything that she thought she had lost forever, except she hears Rachel's soft voice.

"We should go in..."Rachel doesn't move though as she just holds on to Quinn's hand, needing some sort of cue. She's feeling a bit off kilter but its not driven by that feeling of withdrawal or needing to fill that part of herself that she thought she could never fill.

It's that sense of plummeting that she used to get each time Quinn would glance sideways at her or reach out, tapered fingers gripping her own, soft words whispered in her ear, hot breath expelled against her skin. She's falling so hard so fast, but this time she knows that it has to be forever.

"I don't want to forget anything about tonight." In fact, Rachel knows she needs to stop forgetting any of it. She smiles, teeth showing because she finally means every word she just uttered. She's forgotten so many things, each caress that she had thought she committed to memory, each 'I love you' she swore to recall. All of it, all the bad but most especially everything good, just disappearing into the ether of her drugged out mind because she thought remembering all of that love would hurt too much as Quinn was no longer with her.

Regret weighs down on her but it lightens considerably when Quinn pushes forward, capturing her lower lip between her teeth, foreheads touching before she is kissed one more time, committing the feel of it to memory.

"As much as I would love and I can't stress that word enough, love to stay here and kiss you again and again and again..."Quinn's hand now caressing her cheek. "We should eat and I want you to know what's been happening with me and if you're ok, I want to know whatever you're willing to share...about what happened in LA or even what's been going on here in Colorado." Quinn manages to get all the words out without tripping or skipping back to just kissing Rachel.

And maybe that's where they both go wrong because starting over isn't easy at the best of times but to do so when they're both still at different points is just impossible. Quinn tries so hard to ignore the signs that start as soon as they enter the restaurant.

Rachel presses herself next to Quinn, her body tense, her head down. Her body language changing instantaneously the second she crossed the threshold from being just the two of them to being in public.

She's hasn't been afraid of crowds for so long, finally actually reveling in being with so many people but that was before all of this. And even with just four or five tables filled, all Rachel can assimilate is that she doesn't feel safe. Sheer panic building within, pressure pushing outwards as she feels cold, a tingling sensation in her hands and feet. Then there's this white noise in her head obscuring everything as dizziness takes over.

The panic attack so swift in its onset,her fingernails just dig into Quinn's knuckles but she can't let go. Even when Quinn hisses softly but somehow thankfully, Quinn does not pull her hand back, instead holding it as firmly as Rachel was holding on to her.

The walk to their table in the back is slow until Rachel thinks people are staring, then her strides widen and she almost pulls Quinn off her feet until she let's go and collapses in the chair, her head in her hands as she tries to just breathe.

Quinn knows that something is suddenly very wrong, like a switch had been flicked and suddenly everything that she had thought alright wasn't really. However she just can't give up and drive back to the facility unless it was what Rachel truly wanted.

"Should we go back?" Her voice is soft and now unsure as she sits down opposite Rachel, her hand reaching out to lightly touch Rachel's clenched fist. The brunette's eyes are closed as her temple rest on her tightly closed hands and Quinn can see her trying to catch her breath. "Rachel, let's just forget about all of this and just go..." Her voice still soft but more desperate as she tries to salvage something even if she does not know if she can.

Rachel sings in her head, the cadence of the words not bringing comfort but just allowing her to breathe in time with them. She can hear Quinn and thankfully feel her hand, so reassuring as it curls around her fist. And as soon as she hears Quinn say she wants to forget about it, she knows she can't let that happen.

It takes almost all that she has to lift her head and blink her eyes open, the restaurant is dim enough but still everything is so bright but then so is Quinn, the ambient light from the candles on the table glinting off her hair, her eyes already bright with unshed tears.

"No...I can...I can do this. I was just...I never thought..." She used to get them when she was little. These panic attacks triggered by so many different things but the outcome always the same. Her elevated heart rate sending her nerves on end as pure unadulterated fear takes over. Her skin cold and clammy as she tries to breathe.

Her dads fretted over what to do, bringing her to this doctor and that one until they worked out all the triggers. She had been so frightened of being left behind, intrinsically thinking that was how she had ended up with her dads. Her mother just not wanting her. She knew they loved her because they had wanted her but in her mind, she knew that she had to prove she deserved to stay.

And late at night, she would think of what she needed to do, scared that she wouldn't be good enough to be loved and kept. Her dads had been amazing though, accepting her quirks and encouraging her to perform; dance class, singing lessons anything and everything to keep her occupied and happy and her mind not focused on being left behind.

And overcoming it hadn't been easy but she had done it, pushing down the fear and panic, filling her life with lessons and schedules, each minute planned out to achieve a goal she thought she needed and taking medication when all else failed.

"Its a panic attack, I haven't had one this bad since I was fifteen. Since Glee..." She's still experiencing it, dread coating all her thoughts, spiraling downwards, just focusing on the bad things that could happen, that have happened and feeling like they could happen again right this second. Her voice comes out strangled as she stares at Quinn's hand around her own, the song still in her head as she breathes in and out to the alternate words.

Her heart rate still too fast, her neck now so warm but she needs to try and get it under control because this is her one chance to start over with Quinn and she can't just give up now. She won't be driven back to the facility with this particular memory embedded in Quinn's consciousness. So she just focuses on Quinn's presence, her hand now holding on to Quinn's as tightly as she can.

Quinn had the conceit to believe she knew everything about Rachel, from her favorite color to the fact that she timed her tea bags. She knew why she put all her sweaters in the second drawer from the top of any dresser as well as the pertinent fact that if kissed at a certain spot at her inner thigh, could drive her to the brink of climax.

Facts and observations gleaned over years of watching, waiting and just asking. She knew Rachel Berry because it had been her one goal in life, to love this woman, understand her and ensure that she never forgot anything.

Only this small fact that Rachel just shared, at any other time would have been an addition to her memory banks of what made Rachel Berry tick. Instead, it deconstructs her entire understanding of Rachel that she has built up over the years.

"I never knew.." She's dumbstruck really, suddenly understanding so many things all at once but at the same time having to accept that despite loving Rachel since high school, she really didn't know her in all the ways that mattered.

"What can I do?..we can go back? Tell me what to do..Please." Quinn feels lost again, all the plans she had for an amazing start now by the wayside as she tries to be there for Rachel even if she does not know how.

Rachel shakes her head at Quinn's questions. She wants to tell her that her presence is all that is necessary only it's not really. This is her internal battle to fight and all she can do is try and focus, keep all those amorphous fears at bay and try to be present.

And somehow Quinn finally gets that as she waves the waiter away, just ordering water for the both of them.

Rachel wishes she could articulate something, maybe try and explain to Quinn that while her presence is always welcomed, nothing helps here, it's her own tiny prison that she needs to escape from, the physical manifestation of all her terrors, of what could go wrong and what has, of what happened in the past and what is just lurking around the corner.

All of it twisting in her gut and taking over her thoughts, her heart beating not for Quinn but to push the fear out into her entire being, she feels it coursing in her veins, hears it pulsing in her ears. She's all alone even though she knows she is not.

And slowly, bit by bit, she comes back into herself. She feels so tired, her body still tense and when she blinks her eyes, she sees Quinn staring at her, looking anxious and so damned worried.

Rachel finally let's go of Quinn's hand and reaches for the glass of water, the cold liquid soothing to her parched throat. And she just feels like crying because this wasn't something new to her but it was definitely new to Quinn.

She had hidden this part of herself for so long, always able to handle it herself and now that it seemed to be unleashed again, she knows she needs to learn how to get it under control. And it was obvious that Quinn wanted so desperately to help. Only Rachel just couldn't let her, at least not at the start.

She needed to prove that she could get it under control, that she could function independently and that she could be there for Quinn instead of expecting it to be the other way around yet again.

"I love you." The words shouldn't sound desperate even if they do but Quinn cannot help the tone in her voice. She believes in so many things but most of all, she believes in Rachel and she believes that they will be together only she can see Rachel pulling back into herself. "You got over them before...without me and now you have me..."

Rachel wishes it was that easy, the tremor in her hand now too obvious as the water in the glass spills over when she puts it back onto the table. The attacks stopped because she had caved, had taken medication, making her more manic sometimes than she should have been, driving her erratic behavior in high school.

And later, it had been wanting to be better for Quinn, hiding the smaller attacks that occurred, filling her days with so many different things like before. But she had dealt with it, making herself stronger, learning how to function for Quinn.

Never expecting to spiral down when she had left Quinn or they had left each other. Every day in LA so difficult with only the phone calls with Quinn helping. All she could feel were those episodes just lurking over her each second of each day, threatening to spill over.

Finding out that the drugs to forget Quinn allowed her to also forget the attacks, to get through the days regardless of the triggers, and starting over again, without anything was now a trigger in itself.

"I do have you but I..." She wants to let Quinn take care of her, to just give into the fear when it comes and let it overwhelm her until she cannot function. She can see Quinn would gladly do it, but she can't let her agree to those terms. She came here to get better, to cleanse her system. And while the latter had occurred, she was still the scared fifteen year old inside, desperate to grab on to someone, anyone and not deal with it herself. Even if Finn had been that for her, it had been Quinn who made her want to get better.

And now, she knows that she needs to find that path again, to want to be better for Quinn and not expect Quinn to be her crutch. They had started something so good and she had derailed it. And to get back to that point meant she needed time to heal and learn to be independent, learn to be Rachel Berry.

"I can't expect you to take care of me, to protect me when I can't even do it for myself. I can't continue to be afraid of being left when I was the one who left you. I need to get all of it under control and having you with me makes it so easy to let you carry that load."

"And what if I want to do that, I don't care..Rachel, I want to be there for you." Quinn can see where Rachel is headed towards and she doesn't want her to go through any of it alone.

"Let me help, come home with me, come back to New York. I'll quit and we can work through this together, Mika can help...she helped me...I know she can help you..." She's desperate now as she reaches out, each word causing her to tighten her hold on Rachel's other hand.

"You'll always be with me, I know that now." She tries to smile, to be as reassuring as she can only she can see that Quinn does not believe her. And she does need her to because she wants to be an equal in this relationship, not the one that always needed to be taken cared of.

"I want to be able to be there for you too, to not get scared that you're going to leave me at every turn or that each part I lose is because I am not good enough, not pretty enough...I want you to tell me about your day and ask for my advice even if it won't be about the law and more about what song should be playing in your head when you finally close that deal." She can see the corner of Quinn's mouth quirk up and she can't help herself as she stands up and leans forward, capturing Quinn's lips.

It's a kiss to seal another promise. She knows she keeps making them and that she's still so scared because she can't articulate them out loud, at least not yet. She pulls back, "Let's just have dinner and by my count, this is already a first date neither one of us will forget."

#$#$#$#$#$#$

They hold hands even when Quinn drives them back. And Quinn does not know if she can let go when they reach the facility. She rushes to get out of the car to open Rachel's door and to grab her hand again.

She tugs on it, stopping Rachel from walking forward as she presses Rachel against the car, "Let me stay or come with me, please." The kiss she bestows is searing and she feels Rachel respond. Quinn thinks its acceptance and feels relief only to have Rachel pull back, their foreheads now touching.

"I promise to be with you one day, whole and healthy." she captures Quinn's lower lip, tongue finally pushing through, finally getting the courage to say the words that have always been with her, out loud.

She can hear Quinn's quiet sobs even as she walks back towards the house. She smiles sadly at Kurt, seeing his face fall When he doesn't see Quinn with her.

"Take care of her for me...at least until I can do it myself." He nods before he launches himself at her, catching her around the middle and hugging her so tightly, she feels completely cocooned and safe.

Rachel does not see them leave, already feeling another attack coming on and she knows she needs to learn to control it, hold it at bay because she finally really had something to look forward to again and nothing to look back at.

**End Part 15**


	16. Chapter 16

**Meant To Be**

_**All I have is a voice** _   
_**To undo the folded lie,** _   
_**The romantic lie in the brain** _   
_**Of the sensual man-in-the-street** _   
_**And the lie of Authority** _   
_**Whose buildings grope the sky:** _   
_**There is no such thing as the State** _   
_**And no one exists alone;** _   
_**Hunger allows no choice** _   
_**To the citizen or the police;** _   
_**We must love one another or die.** _

_**WH Auden** _

"Juts a bit to the left...no, my left...fine the other left." Quinn's voice is tinged with just a hint of annoyance that she quickly clamps down on the second Jess turns to stare at her. She presses her lips together as she sees Jess put down the photograph and turn to look at her, arms akimbo.

She looks just slightly north of pissed and Quinn knows that she's the one that really needs to hold it together and it's really not Jess's fault that she's so on edge. She takes a deep breath before plastering on a smile, even if it's fake, she desperately hopes that Jess can actually see that she's trying. "I'm sorry. I'm just second guessing everything and I don't want to do that because I know I made the right choice. I know it."

Jess is pretty sure that Quinn's convinced she really did make the right decision and her reaction now is not driven by self-doubt or fear but more due to her new environment. She was a creature of habit. It was obvious the first time they had met at Mika's parent's house. Quinn had been telling Tomo a story about Joel.

_"He hands me my coffee..." She's animated and fascinating all at once and Jess wants to step forward and hear more, only Mika is actually giving her the evil eye. So she stays in the background with Aunt Sally and Uncle Dirk, nodding at their inane chatter while just listening to Quinn's mellifluous voice._

_"And it's perfect. Just the right temperature, the right amount of foam. I mean, it was like divine intervention...you know. An almost bad day turned around by the most amazing cup of coffee." Quinn turns and smiles and Jess knows she's absolutely smitten. It didn't matter if Quinn wasn't into women and would never be interested in her in that way. Her effervescence was enthralling and Jess thinks it would be fine to even just be friends._

_"I love having a schedule, tradition...you know..So from then on, every morning, rain or shine, Joel hands me that perfect cup of coffee." Quinn pulls on Mika's hand as she passes by, threading their fingers together. And Jess finally steps forward, her own hand stretched out and she introduces herself to Quinn, knowing that somehow they would end up close._

"I know you feel out of place and its going to take time to get use to all this but that's why you have me and maybe you should call..."She trails off, smiling slightly when she sees Quinn already turning to go outside, her hand dialing the phone. She just prays it works out this time for Quinn's sake.

She does not stay to listen to the call, instead she heads to the bedroom to unpack the boxes there, hoping that Quinn would be able to articulate her fears on the call and not keep them inside.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

"Hey..."She sounds unsure until she hears the words directed her way, which finally brings a smile to her face.

"Must be Christmas considering the mighty Q finally graced us with her presence or at least her voice..." Santana gestures to her wife, mouthing Quinn's name as she makes room on the couch, happy to be squished by the blonde, wanting as much contact as possible as one hand goes around Brittany's shoulder, the other holding the phone between them so they can both hear Quinn.

"I know..I was planning to call but just needed time to.." She sighs without finishing because all the time in the world really wouldn't make her feel settled and she knows she just needs to be patient here and deal with the fact that she won't feel at home as yet.

"Jess still with you?" Santana can hear that yearning in Quinn's voice. So easy to recognize once you've heard it before and she remembers hearing it all through senior year and that first year of college only to disappear as soon as she got together with Rachel. Hearing it again makes her heart ache but she knows that all she can really do is offer support and not much else.

"Yes, I think she was close to strangling me..oh about five minutes ago...I just feel like I'm always on the brink...you know or maybe you don't...and I want to move forward. I want to live my life but I can't right now." She pinches the bridge of her nose, not really wanting to cry. She's sure that she's run out of tears ever since she left Colorado, alone. Crying on the plane and sobbing in Santana's arms as soon as she walked out of the gate.

And each day since, trying to just keep moving forward even if it was only physically, hoping that it'll work out because she and Rachel were meant to be. It was an incontrovertible fact in her mind, a beacon to work towards, her only truth. Except it was so damn difficult to remember that when they were miles apart.

Calls and Skype could only go so far and she ached, like literally ached for more. Not even a physical connection although that would have been wonderful. She just wanted to be able to reach out and touch Rachel. Nudge her shoulder when she said something cute, tuck that strand of hair behind her ear, whispering words of love in it after.

"Patience, my young Padawan." Santana intones the words, giggling at the end when Brittany does. They had kept Quinn company throughout the past six months. Going as far as to watching every movie that Quinn had hidden in the back of her closet.

The ones that she had hidden from everyone. The ones that probably only Rachel knew about. The trilogies that Rachel would watch with her, smiling to herself when Quinn would quote certain lines or tug on her hand because a scene coming up was so dramatic or just well shot.

Santana not knowing what else to do but to sit through all of them with her best friend. The Godfather was cool, she had to admit that and she even didn't really mind the original Star Wars. Her favorites, though she would never in a million years admit it was watching Sixteen Candles followed by Pretty in Pink then Some Kind of Wonderful and ending with Ferris Bueller.

Keeping Quinn company was the least she could do. Only it was never enough. Quinn really did appreciate it but Santana could see her eyes, downcast, each time Brittany would reach out to stroke her hand or kiss her because she was going to get a drink. Or worse, when Quinn would turn away, swiping furtively at her eyes at certain scenes, ones that she had probably shared with Rachel.

But Quinn was trying so hard and Santana knew that all she needed was support to just make it through the separation and hope that it would not last forever. So they all had to pull together to help her. Mika, Tomo and even Jess. Santana wasn't sure about her even if Brittany was.

"Where's Jess...She behaving herself?" Santana has that bite to her voice and Quinn can't help but smile again, at least this time it feels less foreign. It felt good to have people who loved her and who wanted to look out for her. It didn't make her weak like she had once thought. In fact, she knows she's stronger for it.

"Yeah, she's been great. Even when I act like an ass, she's been great...I wish..."

"Don't..Don't wish or play what if or whatever. Just be...ok. I know it's hard but you just need to keep the faith."Quinn can hear the warning in Santana's voice and realizes that she's looking out for Rachel as much as she was looking out for her and that finally gives her hope. Santana, the most cynical trial lawyer she knows, who rolls her eyes at movies with sappy happy endings and who shudders if anyone mentions fate or soul mates.

But here she was, asking her to believe and Quinn wonders what she had done to deserve her friends. "Ok. Tell Britt I miss her and if she ever feels like leaving your ass.." Santana's words cut her off and once again she feels like the ground has fallen away from under her feet.

"We're trying to have a baby" Brittany had barged into her office last month. Hands around her middle and looking almost broken that the first thought in her mind was, who did she have to beat up in order to never have Brittany look like that ever again.

Only it wasn't anyone specific but a dream she had while waiting at home for Santana to return. A nightmare really of Santana not wanting children. And due to that, Brittany had come straight over, needing to know the answer.

It was something she never contemplated,like ever. but the second she heard the question. Brittany's voice wavering, but the plea so clear. Her answer had been just as automatic. Yes, she wanted kids, most definitely Brittany's and even of they were still carrying their college debt, at least Santana just made partner.

And it was so clear in her mind that they should start trying, not that she could actually make Brittany pregnant even if she knows that her version of positive thinking got her through law school but also got her Brittany in the first place. She just knows she wants to make love to her wife right this second and after, they'd definitely need to start planning how to get Brittany pregnant.

Holding that secret from Quinn had been tough but she really didn't how how Quinn would take knowing that they were moving forward while she was still kind of stuck. Only she gets that she shouldn't underestimate her best and oldest friend. And hiding something this big from her was already taking its toll. So she takes a chance here as she blurts out the words.

Six words that still scare her but in a good way, in a way that makes her want to be better, work harder and look after her family who right now consist of Britt and Quinn hopefully in a year or so or maybe two, another two additions she hopes.

"And I know I'm being a presumptuous bitch here but it would be great if you and Rachel..." She says Rachel's name even if she hears Quinn's intake of breath. It was time someone did and they had to give Quinn that one last nudge that she needed. "If you became our baby's godparents."

"Oh my god Quinn, that would be freaking wonderful." Quinn hears Brittany's voice and that familiar sound of a kiss following, over the phone line before she hears Brittany's voice again. "It's all going to work out, I can feel it...well, I feel San's hand on my butt too but I feel it in my heart, Q. We love you."

Quinn can only nod, her voice stuck in her throat because she cannot say anything without bursting into tears which is really the last thing she wants to do considering the happy news that Santana and Brittany just shared.

"Just a few more days, Q."

"I know." She truly does and even if she gets that it's not going to be easy or even if its really going to work out like Brittany had said. However, she had run before, lost faith and had given up. And she had thought Rachel had done the same. But now she knows that she had been the one to give up first. Only now, she knows she won't any more. "I tell you how it goes. Congratulations, by the way. I'm so happy for the both of you."

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel knows she needs to spend the entire flight with her eyes closed, trying her best not to spiral into a panic attack. It's the only way she thinks she can make it through the flight without ordering a few drinks that she knows she can't have. And she also needs to do it because she can see the couple in the aisle seats across from her recognizes her and probably would very much like to talk to her

So she smiles at them before pulling down the NY Knicks cap that Santana had sent to her. She focuses on closing her eyes as soon as she takes her seat. Her seat belt already tightly fastened as she tries to modulate her breathing. It's impossible to actually fall asleep though she wishes that she could. Instead she focuses on her breathing, counting the number of breaths in and out, knowing that she's still a hair's breath away from an attack especially when she feels the plane accelerate and take off, her nails digging into the leather rests.

She feels her heart rate pick up, the back of her neck growing warm as her limbs feeling cold. Rachel bites down on her tongue, only to have Quinn's face flash in her mind and then she just starts to focus on that. Her eyes tightly closed as she remembers the contour of her neck, her hand fitting behind it, pulling Quinn close.

Each time she got high, she had trouble telling reality from what was going on in her head but right now, all she has are these memories, bits and pieces flitting in the back of her mind, of touches, caresses and kisses. Kisses so deep, she feels them down to her toes, curling them. Hands touching her in all the right places, fingers stroking, dipping in and out.

All these snippets of emotion and passion and sense memory, gripping her senses, letting her lose herself, not in a downward spiral of fear but in a miasma of warmth and love, remembering what it felt like to be ensconced feeling so safe and loved.

She pictures Quinn's hands, long tapered fingers intertwined with her own, lips so soft and hot, blowing in her ear. Words whispered so low but their intention clear as she feels Quinn everywhere, surrounding her, within her, images now swirling through her mind, making her feel centered, not totally unafraid but not descending into that cycle of fear.

And all those snippets of memories, stitched together of so many different times and places that Quinn had been there, saving her even if she never knew it, all those times she can remember saves her now. The turbulence relegated to the back of her mind as she recalls with such clarity of being with Quinn, of feeling no fear.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

The landing is hard but she just grits her teeth before exhaling, glad that its over but at least not exhausted with tension or high on alcohol and pills. She even manages a few words with the couple. Nodding to their question on whether she'll go back to her show and smiling bashfully when the husband comments on how gorgeous she is in person as his wife swats him while giving her a wink.

She sees ten new messages on her phone and scrolls through them, heartened by the words she reads and the phone shakes in her hand as she stares at the last message. Wanting to save it for as long as she can and savor each word later. But the airport is crowded and she feels her throat constrict.

She wonders if it was really a great idea to insist that she try and navigate this trip all by herself. Rachel knows that she needed to test herself but her hand is stuffed in her jacket pocket, fingers curling around the bottle of pills. It's her last resort, if all else fails, she knows she can take a pill except she really does not want to.

So many people swirl around her, a few even recognizing her and she can feel her heart beat accelerate just a bit, more each time. And it's getting difficult to grasp onto another memory of Quinn so she stumbles into a toilet, swiftly locking herself in one of the stalls as she bends down to finally read Quinn's message.

It's too damn short but it's exactly what she needs as she reads the four words over and over again, so tempted to trace the tiny Q that Quinn had signed off with. Wanting a connection even though in her mind, the words already form a bridge that leads to a mantra.

_'I believe in you.'_

Simple and true and something that Rachel hopes she can live up to.

Rachel closes her eyes and starts singing in her head, breathing to the alternate words a she steps out again. The throng of people now even thicker than before but she just focuses on Quinn's words scrolling through them in her mind, putting one foot in front of the other. She spots Harry, her driver when he waves hesitantly and she waves back.

She knows she should grab her luggage but she also finally understands her limit as she hurries to him, "Can we get the bags later... I just...please. I just need to get home." She's relieved when he just nods and gestures for her to follow him But not before thrusting out his hand.

"Mr Hummel wanted you to have this." She can't help her smile when she takes the small gold star from him.

It's only when she sinks into the back seat of the car does she actually get that she's never seen her home. Or at least her new one. Kurt had been the one to sign the lease on her behalf and move her stuff in. Her trust in him to decorate going as far as to just agree on the color scheme but not much else.

He had been amazing to volunteer to do it in the first place. Telling her to just concentrate on getting better while he made her a home. She had been tempted to just tell him to get Quinn there and that would be enough.

But wishing and hoping without actually doing anything about it was where she had gone wrong in the past. Rachel knows that if she wanted Quinn with her, she had to make sure she could be a full partner in their relationship. It didn't mean that she had to share everything or expect Quinn to always be by her side. It just meant that they had to be whole first in order to then make each other complete.

In her mind, she knows she's almost back to being her old self. The one who had fallen so hard for Quinn and who wanted to be better for her. But she still carried the scars of her experiences with her. And she just couldn't give up or go back to New York as yet.

She needed to prove that she could survive LA and not let it beat her. Santana had offered to help her opt out of her contract. But she didn't want to let her cast mates down anymore than she already had. Instead she made Santana negotiate for a mid season slot for her show. Taking the half year to go for therapy and relearn how to keep her attacks under control.

Six months of just talking with Quinn and just seeing her face onscreen but never in person. One hundred and eighty three days of being apart. Four thousand three hundred and eighty three hours of getting better, pushing herself so that she could be that much closer to finally being with Quinn again. Countless of seconds of facing her fears, knowing that they would never ever go away but dealing with them was necessary for her to move forward.

Knowing that they would connect again, maybe in New York or maybe they would learn to commute to each other, always having that link but needing to live their own lives. Nothing had been discussed and the last call with Quinn had ended like the one hundred and eighty three others she had before.

Quinn kissing her fingers and placing them on the camera, followed by the three words that she knows have still not been superseded by Quinn's new message. " _See you soon."_

"Here you are." Harry's voice cuts across her thoughts and she blinks at the sight of the small house nestled underneath the oak trees. "Mr Hummel says that the fridge is stocked and he didn't want to leave the key under the mat or anything so he left it with your neighbor."

Rachel blinks at the word, unsurprised that Kurt had made friends but definitely not feeling up to meeting anyone new and potentially needing to make conversation. She's really tired out. The flight and just getting here taking its toll and she knows all she wants is to shower and maybe call Quinn. she still plays with the gold star, wishing that she could make a wish, knowing exactly what she wants.

"Could you please drive over there and get the key for me." She warily climbs out of the car and goes to sit on the steps of the house. Her head in her hands as she continues to sing in her head.

Not noticing the soft footfalls until she hears that beautiful familiar voice.

"Hey there neighbor."

**End Part 16**


	17. Chapter 17

Meant To Be

"Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy"

― Robert A. Heinlein

The second she sees the car, Quinn's already running to the door, yanking it open and almost tripping down the path. All the words in her head ready to be said out loud. Except when she yanks open the car door, all she sees is an empty space and her heart literally plummets such that she sags against the car door, using it to support her because her legs were giving way.

She remembers Harry and tries to smile even as her eyes begin to water and his surprised expression morphs quickly as he rushes round the car to offer his assistance.

"She's at the house...She's fine..Ms Berry was tired and she asked me to get the keys to the house for her." His voice is kind and even kinder is the fact that he does not comment on her almost breaking down. And that's the trigger for her to pull herself together.

Quinn takes his hand gratefully as she stands up, breathes in and realizes that Rachel was less than a mile or so away from her and they were finally in the same State. Maybe still not fully whole but definitely closer than they have been in years.

"Thank you, Harry. I'll take the keys over for her." She feels this thrumming within, like she's vibrating at such a high frequency and if she stops moving, she'll just break apart and disappear. It's anticipation mixed with fear and this overwhelming need to just be able to hug Rachel, and feel that she was there, safe and sound at last.

Quinn practically runs over, knowing exactly where the property of her house demarcates from that of Rachel's. Kurt had found the houses. Both built in the 1920's for two writers working in Hollywood at the time. Both semi successful but hiding their sexuality from the world but near enough to each other for it to mean something.

Kurt had thought it somehow apt although Santana rolled her eyes at the sentimentality even as Mika questioned as to how how Rachel would view it. And that was the only thing Quinn contemplated when Kurt told her that both properties were up for lease and he was definitely getting one of them for Rachel.

Quinn didn't want Rachel to feel beholden or to get back together just because she was there. She just wanted to be able to be there for Rachel, like she had been in college, friends first before anything blossomed. And she had to admit that she had been traveling so much for work, Paris, LA, Hong Kong, that home really didn't feel like New York any longer.

It hadn't for such a long time and the only thing keeping her there had been Santana and her need for consistency and minimal change. Then the offer for a job as in house counsel for that Hedge Fund came up, the ability to work exclusively on specific deals and be based just about anywhere as long as she was fine with travel.

She's running at full speed now only to stop and catch her breath as soon as she sees Rachel's house up ahead. Her heart rate not slowing down either way as soon as she catches a glimpse of Rachel sitting on the steps, her head in her hands.

"Hey there neighbor."

Rachel knows she's putting a lot of faith in the gold star in her hand as she wishes for something. But when she hears Quinn's voice, she somehow knows its not her over active imagination but Quinn's actually really there and really talking to her.

So she launches herself off the steps, arms extended as Quinn catches her and she sinks into that familiar embrace. The feel of Quinn's arms around her, the feel of her heart beating, their bodies pressing tightly end to end, entwined.

"You're the neighbor? You're my neighbor.."Rachel pulls back, her arms now holding tightly onto Quinn's shoulders as she realizes that fact and all the implications of it. Her voice is part hopeful, part surprised at the revelation as Quinn nods at her words.

"I moved in a few days ago." Quinn smiles when she sees Rachel does and it's so easy for her to just lean in and capture those lips. Only she holds herself back because they're starting over and she can't just skip over these first few parts of it just because she was feeling increasingly frustrated with not being able to touch Rachel.

Quinn thinks about fundamental forces, those non contact interactions, so strong but not touching and its frustrating but she knows that at least there will always be that link that she hopes will eventually become more.

It's so easy to read Quinn, to look at her, see her neck convulse when she swallows, see her eyes darken as she glances down before looking away. To note that her fingertips playing with the hem of her sweater and to completely get that what the both of them need is probably what they should not give in to. However, she's held herself back from so many things.

Most of them she knows were not good for her, not healthy for her state of mind. However, this one thing, this strong pull she feels within and that she can see Quinn feeling as well. It was never wrong or difficult or bad. So she surrenders to it, pulling Quinn in again.

This hug stronger than the first because she's returning it now as she whispers in Quinn's ear. "I missed you...I missed this and I know we're not at that perfect place..yet but I just ..." Rachel trails off as she shifts slightly, her lips brushing Quinn's.

It feels so right, the warm expulsion of air from Quinn's lips, before she feels them again, sure and true. A kiss of hope and comfort but most of all, love. A second first kiss for the both of them, sweet and promising with a chaser of the knowledge of what's to come.

It's end not signifying the end for either of them though as Quinn links their hands together, fingers intertwined and indistinguishable from each others.

"I promised Kurt I'd give you the tour and then you should get some sleep and maybe come over to my place for breakfast tomorrow?" Quinn suddenly feels everything all at once, this overwhelming connection to just existing in that moment.

That singular recognition of belonging to this world, no matter how damaged it was and how incomplete she was. But more than that, she finally feels connected to Rachel. That tenuous link that had always been there between them, suddenly augmented by experience and acceptance and love.

She sees Rachel nod to her question before she turns and unlocks the door, pulling Rachel behind her as she shows her the house. The tour over too damn quickly and she quickly pecks Rachel on the cheek before almost running out the door. Her self control only going so far and seeing Rachel's bedroom proved just a bit too much temptation.

Rachel touches her cheek, a small smile gracing her face as she sees Quinn scramble to leave. The old her would have immediately felt hurt, rejected. But she finally gets that Quinn was protecting the both of them and if she had stayed even a second more, Rachel was sure she wouldn't have held herself back either.

They would have tore each other's clothes off and made love in every fucking room in her new house even if it would have been wrong, their attraction still so strong. Except Rachel knows that their love has to be stronger and they needed to take things just a tad slower.

She sighs out loud, the tiredness now seeping through her bones as she stumbles back to her bedroom, at least comforted that she'll be dreaming of that redux first sweet kiss they finally managed to share.

#$#$#$#$#$#$

"Do you need a break?" the director's voice is solicitous enough but Rachel can tell he's as frustrated as she is. It's her sixth take and she can't get her words out. It's a pivotal scene for her character. Her onscreen romantic partner just declaring his love for her.

He's cute and a decent actor and the scene is sure to get him a Golden Globe nomination or at the very least a Teen Choice Award if she could just get through it. She doesn't get the problem until she looks, like really looks at the slate stating the date today and the take number.

The significance of the day completely slipping her mind. It shocks her to the point that she does ask for a break. Almost running to her trailer but controlling herself at the last second so it just seems like she's in a hurry and not on the verge of a break down.

She spots Quinn leaning against it instantly and feels such great relief even if she hates herself for still being so weak. It happened a decade ago now and she knows she has to stop feeling guilty but its difficult to do it when she feels she could have stopped him from going if she loved him enough. At least she can pare down her feelings now, knowing why she acts out, all the guilt she carries for Finn and Jesse and Quinn as well.

All the things she did or didn't do or could have done and some that she knows she should have done. Talking about all of it during therapy, knowing that the issues had not magically disappeared or solved themselves and she needed to accept some of them, deal with others and for one or two, allow herself to be forgiven.

Finn's death kind of fell in that category. She had been young and wanted to find her own way knowing he did as well. His dying had been tragic and she knows now that even if he didn't die, there was no guarantee they would still be together mainly because he didn't really know her especially all her petty idiosyncrasies.

She had pursued him out of jealousy and stayed with him out of misplaced need. Hiding so many things about herself from everyone, especially Finn. And right now, the only person who knew more about her was Quinn and despite knowing all of it, she was still around. It had to mean something even if she does not know what exactly.

"You're here." It's a stupid thing to say really but it was a shade better than the 'I love you' that's always on the tip of her tongue. And the smile she receives in return has the thousand of butterflies in her stomach take flight all at once.

"I was waiting for you to finish and thought we could...maybe go to temple or church or the observatory to see that star of his..." She had been so jealous of Finn in high school but never admitted to why until senior year and her accident knocked some sense into her.

Letting her truly understand what was important or rather whom. She didn't always stay true to that though because she wasn't perfect and just hid her flaws well from everyone, even Rachel. So when Rachel expected to be saved by her and she had failed to do so because she had been jealous of something that didn't even exist.

And she knows that now. She had trust and faith in Rachel and she needed to show that always. Finn had told her about the star. It had been just before graduation. He had wanted to thank her for helping Puck and they actually had a full conversation that didn't reference her cheating or his mistakes with her.

Instead they talked about Rachel agreeing that she was going to be the star amongst them. He had told her of his gift then. Expecting ridicule but gaining her approval instead. He had done something different, had highlighted that Rachel was always light years ahead of them all.

Rachel remembers the gift. One of her more crazy periods in high school, not that those were too few and far between. She had careened from one emotion to the next, tempered by the medication that helped with her anxiety but let loosed her other emotions.

He had given her a star because he said she already was one. That made her fall back in love with him again. A roller coaster of emotions throughout their time together. But it was always so different with Quinn. There was this constancy to their love, never waning, ever growing.

Even when they were no longer together, she knew in her heart that she still loved Quinn. And now as they're kind of trying to begin again, what she knows for a fact is that their love is still there, threading all their thoughts and actions even if they cannot as yet vocalize it.

"I need to finish this scene." Rachel knows she can do it and more importantly knows that she needs to take the next step as Quinn had got them this far. "Then...Yeah...the observatory sounds like a good tradition to start." She quickly steps forward, her hand touching Quinn's arm as she leans forward and quickly kisses Quinn on the lips.

It's just a brush of their lips, merely seconds in its execution but Quinn feels that connection within, like its another step for them. A milestone of sorts that she commits to memory, the chaste kiss meaning so much because Rachel had reached out.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel knows that they haven't made plans to be together on the weekend but she takes the chance and walks over Saturday morning. Enjoying the exercise and hoping to see Quinn, hair mussed and fresh faced, like she remembered from those heady days when Quinn would visit late from New Haven, sharing her bed and looking so amazing the next morning.

They've traverse the distance between both houses countless of times in the past month. At first inventing excuses from needing to borrow salt (Quinn's sorry excuse the second day) to needing a second opinion on a song title to one of the songs she was penning for her show (not an excuse but she didn't share the fact that she already had about fifteen titles lined up). Then just morphing into an expectation to see each other regardless, exchanging pleasantries, sharing their day and silently acknowledging the mutual forlorn expressions when either one goes back home.

Quinn had come over Friday night to watch the most recent episode of her show. Rachel absolutely noticing the clench of Quinn's jaw when her character onscreen kissed her very handsome though very secretly gay costar.

So Rachel just feels that its her turn to reciprocate. The still warm croissants in one hand while the other plays with the threads from her cut off jeans. She isn't expecting anything except for good conversation and a partner to help her finish the pastries she picked up from her run this morning.

Quinn's house is a mirror image of her own. She thinks it apt considering that she always thought that they were diametrically opposite in temperament and views but still fit somehow. She goes to the back door, knowing that Quinn would probably be reading all her newspapers at the kitchen table, sections spread out and categorized as she reads through them methodically, a huge cup of coffee next to her elbow.

And hopefully another cup next to that, tea leaves all ready in the diffuser and just waiting for her to come before Quinn pours hot water into it. Rachel unconsciously quickens her pace as she pushes open the screen door, a greeting on her lips.

Except the papers are there and there's steam rising from the cup of coffee with another empty cup by its side. The only missing piece was Quinn's presence. She wasn't there, nose buried in the business section, her legs stretched out on to the chair next to her.

Rachel's not sure if she should go looking for Quinn, their relationship still somewhat tenuous in her mind even though they've known each other, slept with each other. But her need to see Quinn outweighs her uncertainty of their place with each other.

"Quinn?" Rachel calls out as she walks through the kitchen towards the living room. She picks up a section of the Wall Street Journal, a frown now creasing her forehead.

Her pace increasing as she hears the Quinn's soft voice coming from the alcove off the living room. In her house, she had turned that area into a space for her record collection. One she had started because Quinn was the one who had given her that first vinyl record.

Rachel still remembers Quinn mouthing to the words of Aretha Franklin's You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman. It was goofy to start of with but so damned endearing that she was tearing near the end. And that record was joined by countless of others. Bought by Quinn at first until she picked up the habit as well.

She forgot how much they reminded her of Quinn and how happy she had been. Kurt's idea to put them on display again, even play them had been inspired. And she had, always in the background, the volume soft but the distinct sound of the player as it skips from one classic song to the next.

Right now though, those memories are relegated to the back of her mind as she sees Quinn pacing up and down, the phone held close to her ear and her free hand running through her hair. It was one of her nervous tics. She has a few and Rachel knows this is one of the milder ones.

Quinn sighs into the phone as she listens to Mika's soothing voice, nodding at the parts she completely agreed with and biting her lower lip at the parts she didn't quite. Her eyes already bright with tears as she swipes at them.

The morning had started quite promising only because she was almost sure she had one of those dreams about Rachel. The ones that would at first make her blush but then she'd think about it and drop hints to Rachel throughout the day. Messages on her phone, a note in her bag.

And more often than not, part of those dreams had a habit of becoming reality. And she had been plotting how exactly she could get Rachel into one of her short black dresses.

So when the phone had rung, she figured it could be Rachel as she hurried to answer it. Hearing Mika's voice made her just a little homesick for New York or the very least, Joel's coffee. But hearing the news made her heart ache.

"I know all that but is he ok?" Quinn bites her thumb nail and that's the prompt for Rachel to know its serious and Quinn's really worried. She steps forward, as Quinn turns around a bit surprised, her hand over her heart.

It's the tears in Quinn's eyes that gets to Rachel as her arms go around Quinn, their foreheads touching. She can hear the tinny echo of Mika's voice.

"I'm more worried about Tomo...and you..I'm...ok. Rachel's here now." And she actually feels slightly better, the feeling of being too far away fares slightly when she realizes why that is. She moved to be closer to Rachel and that meant being further from her friends but it was a trade off she could live with. "Call me when he wakes up. Bye." Both hands go around Rachel, pulling her close.

There's a flight to New York in two hours. If we leave now, we could catch it and you could see Tomo for yourself." It's not difficult to piece some of what had occurred together. "Is it serious?"

The proximity of Rachel interferes with her train of thought as all her senses focuses on the woman in her arms and not her words per se. She takes a few seconds more for it to register and it throws her that Rachel want to fly back to NeW York with her. And this was despite her aversion to flying.

"They got mugged, Tomo has fractured arm and a concussion protecting Mika. She's shaken but not hurt or at least she didn't say much..." Quinn feels Rachel shift as Rachel whispers on her ear.

"Just pack something and come and pick me up. I'll pack as well. You need to see them for yourself." Rachel does not hesitate as she kisses Quinn. Not the chaste kisses that they've been sharing. This kiss is deep and its intention so clear. Her tongue pushing in as Quinn relents, tasting coffee and mint and Quinn. Her hand on the back of Quinn's neck, pulling the taller woman closer.

And Quinn grabs her around her waist pulling her in, their bodies flushed as the kiss escalates, her hand on Rachel's cheek as she explores that wonderful mouth. Teeth scraping Rachel's lower lip.

And Rachel is so reluctant to end it but she does as she pulls back, the groan from Quinn causing her to smile. "Just pack and save it for the plane. I think I'm going to need the distraction." She turns to hurry back to her place,knowing she needed to pack and not really thinking about the flight.

End Part 17


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**_Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage._ **

**_Lao Tzu_ **

Rachel does not get on the plane with Quinn. In fact, she barely handles making it to the airport. She knows its still all in her head and even if her spirit is willing, her flesh is so weak and she cannot bring her tremors under control or her thoughts from spiraling away.

Quinn had found her in her bedroom sitting on the edge of her bed, her suitcase half packed and a few pieces of clothes strewed around. Her nails were digging into her thighs, eyes caught in the distance and Quinn had to pry them open before she drew blood.

It had taken her ten minutes to get all the words out, to explain that she got so caught up, thinking about leaving her sanctuary and then about the plane ride and each thought lead to another and another and before long, all she could feel was fear, deep seated and rooted in a miasma of doubt that she could leave. She felt rooted, all her thoughts centering around just breathing in and out. Trying to not hyperventilate. its such a step back and she wants to curse out loud, to hit her head against the pale blue bedroom walls and scream because she had been better or at least she thought she was. But Quinn didn't let her do any of it.

She just held Rachel, arms circling around her and just seeing Quinn's face show understanding and love had given her some respite and the courage to tell her to go to New York. Even if all she wanted was to stay like that, feeling Quinn's arms around her and her love surrounding her. But she had to take whatever tiny step she could, even if it was just letting Quinn make the small trip.

Seeing doubt in her hazel eyes only strengthened her resolve to be brave and let Quinn go because she knew that despite all her insecurities and her misgivings, Quinn was going to come back. And Rachel needed to trust in their love and to keep her faith.

The car ride had not been difficult but entering the airport took most of her fraying courage and Rachel is finally unsure if she can truly let go of Quinn as they stand just inside the entrance, Quinn's arm around her shoulders as she pulls Rachel close.

"Are you sure?" Quinn keeps her voice low, intimate. Her words ghosting over Rachel, who closes her eyes and leans in, forehead touching Quinn's. She takes a deep breath breathing Quinn in as she tries to will her hands to stop shaking because she knows that she needs to convince Quinn to go. But she also does not want to lie.

"I..I would love nothing more that to have you hold me...I want to tell you to stay." She grasped Quinn's hand before the blonde can turn around and pull her out of the airport because she knows that she has to be stronger than what she is now. Rachel takes it like a test. She knows she needs to prove to Quinn that she can do this for the both of them because she realizes that her decisions had to be for both their sake's and not only hers or Quinn's, they were always going to be in this together.

Quinn seemed to have grasped that fact so well, moving across country and settling into their routine so naturally. When Rachel, in one of her bolder moments, highlighted that Quinn had given up her life in New York for her, she had been surprised by Quinn's response that it had been a decision for the both of them. Quinn loved her work but she needed to balance that with her love for Rachel.

And just like that, Rachel understood that their relationship had evolved from trying to make sacrifices that didn't fit to building on something with faith and hope. It was such an easy template to follow. She is self aware enough to know that she will always be an addict and recovery not only took time and that gnawing need to be validated in whatever way would also always be a constant companion. But she knows that Quinn was also always going to be there for her even if she wasn't always there physically. And in her own way, she was going to be there for Quinn as well. So she takes a deep breath and smiles softly.

"Mika needs you and you need to see her for yourself." Rachel takes in another breath, slowly getting her heart rate under control as the ambient sounds from the busy airport seep into her consciousness. She turns, pulling on Quinn's arm and steers them towards the check in desk.

"Rach.." Its always the way Quinn says her name, allowing her to just divine Quinn's intention. She knows that Quinn is all kinds of worried and she could brush it off or use her acting prowess to convince Quinn otherwise. The old Rachel would have done that but she was new and improved, if slightly broken Rachel. And Quinn loves all of her, even her jagged edges that can never be filed away. It's gratifying even as she begins to slowly unravel because she starts to hear the whispers around her, can hear her name on people's lips as people start to realise who she is.

No one approaching them as yet as Quinn pulls her closer, trying to shield her as she sees phones aimed in their direction. Rachel tries her best to tune all of it out as she tightens her hold on Quinn's hand, "You should go...And while you're there you can check on Brittany and the baby. Maybe give Santana a hug if she let's you."

She's so close to losing her nerve but she can see Quinn about to interject so she leans forwards and kisses her before she gets the rest of her words out, "Get coffee from Joel...but do not propose." She emphasises that last point, pulling on Quinn's hand and bringing it to her lips, savouring that small gesture, "He has to know that you're finally taken." Rachel can see a Mother and her two daughters approaching them from the side and knows that she has to deal with this as best she can. Other wise she knows Quinn won't leave.

"I'm so sorry but aren't you Rachel Berry. We just love you and all those songs you sing. You're just so talented." The woman's not too bad and she doesn't try and reach out and touch her but she does push the two teen girls towards her and it takes the last of her reserve to not curl into Quinn.

"Thank you. I..umm..would you like a picture?" She's glad that she still has her sunglasses on as she closes her eyes and holds her breath, Quinn's hand still in hers even as she turns her head and smiles at the woman holding the phone.

"Got it. I can't wait to tell Marcie and the other ladies. We're all such big fans. Girls, thank Ms Berry." The woman waves and reaches out to pat Rachel's arm and its the last straw, the trigger that sends her over as Rachel rears back, clumsily bumping into Quinn, trying to get some air into her lungs as she begins to hyperventilate.

She hears Quinn's voice as if from a distance, apologising to the woman as she holds on tightly to Rachel, steering them to somewhere quieter. All she can focus on is Quinn's touch and the sound of her voice as she tries to get herself under control and not spiral and ruin everything.

Quinn wants to bundle Rachel into a cab and go home only to feel Rachel tug at her arm, as she tries to get some words out. "Rachel, it's ok, we can just go home, I've got you..." She feels Rachel tug at her shirt and she fights her instinct to carry Rachel out of the airport and just holds her until she can get her words out.

"Not..going..home. You...flight to..catch." She's a bit disoriented, dizzy but at least she's standing upright, one hand holding tightly onto Quinn's shirt while the other is splayed over her chest as she wills her heart rate finally settle.

"I am not leaving you. Wha.." The indignation in Quinn's tone razor sharp and she's about to go into a rant only to stop mid word when Rachel tugs her forward, bringing their lips together. It's totally unfair but the flight was in an hour and Rachel knows that she has this one last shot to convince Quinn to go.

She takes another deep breath as she pulls back and looks at Quinn. "I may not be fine. In fact I may be about five miles from fine and would probably need to redefine its meaning to get anywhere close." She can see Quinn wanting to interject but she actually doesn't as she tilts her head, waiting for Rachel to get it all out. They're both trying so hard to break from their past mistakes, from making too many assumptions or not trusting enough. It still scares her but it also emboldens her in equal measure. If Quinn could quell her need to immediately try and fix things that she thought she needed to, then Rachel could get over this incident by herself and not need to lean on Quinn.

"I will be closer to fine and yes I will even sing that damn song for you on the show" She finally smiles when Quinn does, "as long I know that you will get on that plane and see for yourself that Tomo and Mika are alright and you can tell her thank you for looking out for you when I..couldn't.." her voice slightly breaks on the last word as Quinn pulls her into a hug.

Its as close to an acquiesce that she's going to get so she revels in being enveloped by Quinn's strong arms before taking her hand and leading her to the check in line. They don't encounter anymore fans though there are already a few gossip sites showing pictures of them at the airport and her near breakdown. She does not pay too much attention to them as she scrolls through her contacts on her phone, deciding to text her show's producers telling them that she was ok and asking if they could do her scenes over the next few days as oppose to taking them off as she had planned to spend them with Quinn.

"I'll try and be back as soon..." Quinn almost tries to book her return flight for the next day.

But, Rachel cuts her off, "Its ok to take your time. I want you to come home but only when you're done. I told Ryan that I would come in and do my scenes so I'll be at the studio for the next few days and you don't have to worry."

"I'll always..well not worry but I'll always want to be with you."

"And you'll worry" She says it with a smile. It was nice to know that Quinn cared so much that she would get that furrowed look that Rachel knows she can kiss away like she was doing now.

"I wish you were coming with me." Quinn wants to be honest and not hide her thoughts like she had done in the past. "And its ok that you're not ready and that's really fine. Just know that each day you're doing so much better and I am so proud of you."

She finally makes Rachel go home and not wait because she can see the slight tremor in her hands as she tries not to look around and not bring attention to them. Its actually amazing that Rachel had managed to bring her attack under control and Quinn doesn't want her to push herself. So she kisses her for as long as she can and ensures she gets into the car.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

Jess meets her at the airport and immediately asks about Rachel. "Is Rachel ok?" Her voice rough and worried. It still surprises Quinn that Jess cared for her, for them, despite how badly she had treated the doctor. Its one of her many regrets but she also knows that she has to savour the now and what she has while at the same time try and make up for her past mistakes and being here now, was just a start.

She contemplates Jess's question and has to tamp down on her instinct to protect Rachel and gloss over her issues, not lie but just not share either. Except she knows that she needed to break out of that cycle of thinking that she needed to protect Rachel no matter what. She knew that they gave each other courage, that their strength came from being there for each other while knowing that they could still survive on their own. "She had a panic attack, more than one actually..and we agreed that it would be better if she stayed in LA. She's good...better..." Quinn trails off, doubt finally creeping up on her as she hunches her shoulders, bowing her head, she does not doubt how strong Rachel is but about her decision to just leave.

Despite the past hurt, Jess knows exactly what to say as she drapes her arm around Quinn's hunched shoulders, pulling her close, "She's always been stronger than anyone gave her credit for." Quinn nods at the words, still unsure about leaving Rachel until she hears Jess continue.

"Mika got hurt too.." Jess trails off, not wanting to add to Quinn's already furrowed brow but she knows that Quinn would need the whole story before she left to go back to Rachel. Despite their differences, the one thing that Mika and Quinn had in spades was their capacity to feel guilty for things beyond their control.

Jess knows that Quinn still carried so much guilt about the way she had treated Jess and how Rachel had spiraled out of control because she had been too stubborn to be with her. And she can see that similar posturing in Mika. "She blames herself for the attack. it was a patient of hers. An ex con she was helping to rehabilitate. He tried to.." Jess can't finish the sentence, just relieved that Tomo had interrupted the attack on Mika and stopped it. Though the wounds caused by the letter opener had shredded his liver.

"Mika's at the hospital waiting for tests to come back to see if she's a suitable donor. She has a slight concussion, bruising and a chip the size of Alaska on her shoulder."

"She didn't say anything..on the phone, she said she was fine, that Tomo was the one who got hurt." Quinn cannot assimilate any of it. Fractured thoughts all jostling in her head of needing to be with Rachel and wanting to be there for Mika. She knows that she did the right thing by coming to New York and takes a deep breath, knowing that she needs to be the strong one here. As strong as she had been all through Rachel's recovery and focus on supporting Mika as best she can.

"I'll be there for her..as long as she needs me." Its not a promise she makes easily as she knows that her heart, her life was with Rachel but she is cognizant of all the time Mika had spent with her, after Rachel had left her a complete and utter mess able to function but not really live her life. Mika had made sure she came out of it as whole as she could.

Not only with the therapy sessions which finally got her to understand her own psyche and all those decisions, good and bad, that she had made. Mika had done so much more, she had inducted Quinn into her family, inviting her for all their get togethers and even supported her with Jess. Ever since she walked into that dorm room and saw Mika with her owlish glasses and tentative smile, Quinn knew that they were always going to be friends. And her friend needed her now and it was time for her to be as present as she could.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel wanders around her house, suddenly feeling like its too big and not the right proportions. Like it takes her forever to get from the kitchen to the small alcove where her records are kept. If she were being honest with herself, and its something she has been trying to cultivate, she really just misses Quinn's proximity. Not that they were fused at the hip but just knowing that Quinn was ten minutes away or as fast as her legs could run and for Quinn, she could so do the minute mile.

Except that Quinn was in New York and had texted her the second she landed. Describing the cold bite of the approaching winter and the longing she felt for Rachel all in thirty words or so. She had told Quinn to call only after ascertaining that Tomo was fine and not before. She would like to think that she was a good distraction for Quinn but she knew the blonde and understood that she would worry about everyone, Rachel, Tomo, Mika and even pregnant Brittany.

So Rachel made her promise to only call when she had more news and not before. Which really just meant that she had been meandering around her house for the better part of the day, nothing really holding her attention for long and missing Quinn like crazy. So when the phone rings, it almost paralyses her until she dives for it, nearly breaking one of the vases that Kurt had bought because it reminded him of her dancing at NYADA.

"Hello.." She's almost breathless and has to bite down on her sigh of disappointment when she hears Kurt's voice.

'Hey Rach, I..."He's always been able to sense her moods. He's well verse in Rachel and he gets that she's the same for him. So he fully understands that she was expecting Quinn's call, even without knowing her, it would have been so obvious. The way she sighs and breathes out, that strong longing almost a physical manifestation for her.

However, Kurt also knows that unlike before where Rachel would immediately turn towards a crutch of some kind, be it a person or drugs, this time, he hopes that her strength would prevail and that their bond would suffice. It didn't sizzle or burn but strengthened with time, it didn't demand or enclose them, it just was. A connection that made them individually stronger and an unstoppable force together. He needed to hear her voice as much as he knows that she needs him now.

"She probably misses you as much as you miss her..more even." Kurt can picture Rachel's tremulous smile at his words so he continues, "And before you ask, she didn't ask me to call per se...I just needed to hear your voice.." And he is speaking the truth. She was his touchstone, a link to who he was and what he could be if he was brave enough. She was always more brave, more wonderful that he was and all he needed to do was remind her of that and then follow her lead.

"I made her promise to call only after she saw Mika and I kinda knew it'll be another hour or two as she only landed twenty minutes ago. I'm fine Kurt." She says with such strong conviction that he does believe her. Only, he's abandoned her before and knows that she does not need him to make up for it but would allow it because it would make him feel better. And he gets that she knows that as well as he smiles at her next words.

"But it would be good to hear about the true and elaborate real life adventures of Kurt and Jean Jacques as they take on the Paris fashion world ..." Its not a distraction, really. She does want to hear about Kurt and his life and she does not want her mind to wander to things beyond her control like when Quinn was going to call or what would happen if she gave in on her constant craving that gnaws in the back of her mind.

She was always going to have that void in her that she knows she could fill with her love for Quinn and that her addictive nature meant that she had to be careful to love Quinn but not crave love in return at all costs. She had to love herself as much as she loved Quinn and work on never again being addicted to anything. Even if it was always going to be a part of her, this gnawing need that she had cultivated and let loose on herself. She gets that Quinn was not substitute or at least she wasn't one any longer. Rachel finally understood that she didn't want a crutch or to think of Quinn as a substitute for her cravings.

Quinn wasn't her saviour even though she had saved Rachel so many times. It was unfair to think of her that way. They were both flawed even if she was significantly more flawed than the blonde. And it had taken so many difficult lessons to finally realise that she had to take responsibility for her own life and decisions and all she expected from Quinn was to accept her love and her devotion.

"It will get better..." Kurt trails off because its part knowledge but a whole lot of hope that drives his response. Kurt still regrets not being there for Rachel. He knows that he could have done more to check up on her when she was in LA and even if she hadn't picked up his calls, they had always been close and he knew that she needed support but had been too caught up in his own drama to do anything about it. He cannot articulate how grateful he is to have her back in his life and how when she hit rock bottom, Quinn had been the one helping her.

But he had always been a bit selfish and had convinced himself that she had got her dream and was famous and therefore all the rest of her problems were minuscule compared to what she had. And when he finally pieced all that had happened to her, through his conversations with her and the small amount of information Quinn and Santana would share, he realises how close he came to losing her light.

"I want to hear about you, JJ and I can wait. We're good or as good as we're going to be and this call is about you, Rach...I miss knowing about you...So let's start with what you're wearing and what we should watch on Netflix together." He settles into the couch, waving JJ off as he listens to Rachel's voice. It was going to be a long night but worth it just to hear Rachel's laugh as she starts to go through their movie choices.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

Quinn feels wrecked but she knows that its eons worse for Mika so she pushes everything aside as she sits next to Tomo's bed, eyes blinking back the tears that she knows Mika does not need to see. "Are you cold?" Her words are softly spoken, her eyes trained on her friend, her hands itching to reach out eventhough she knows that she needs to take everything slow and let Mika find her own level. At least she's responding though as she sees her shake her head, eyes down, hands gripping each other so tightly that Quinn can see the tendons there, in stark relief. She reaches out then, taking Mika's cold hands in her own.

"I am going to be here for you. Anything.." her voice actually breaks as she swallows the lump forming in her throat, not wanting to break down, knowing she had to be stoic in the face of so much hurt that Mika was shouldering. "I cleared my schedule so you're stuck with me, twenty four seven, whatever you need, just..just talk to me"

She hates that she feels like a stranger in her own body, that if Quinn wasn't holding her hands, she would drag her nails across her too taut skin, wanting the pain take her mind away from remembering what had happened. But its impossible to forget the attack. She tries to focus on Quinn holding her hand and the rise and fall of Tomo's chest even as she can still picture the red of Tomo's blood and hear her own screams echo in her head. She knows that Quinn just wants to hear her voice even if it's just lashing out.

"I just want all of this to be some nightmare that I can wake up from and for you to not be here. I want to be whole again, to be me and not this shell. I want to not be afraid of being awake amd hearing my screaming voice in my head and I want Tomo to not be hurt and..." Her voice runs out and she let's the word just hang there because there really is nothing else she can say.

She let's Quinn pull her into a hug even though she still feels like she wants to tear at her skin and bleed all over the pristine white sheets of Tomo's bed. She can't hug back but at least she can sort of feel Quinn's arms around her, pulling her close, trying to share her warmth. "I got you. I love you." The words flow over her and releases that floodgate of emotions she's been trying to stem ever since she regained consciousness and realised what had happened.

All her fear, pain and anger just pouring out as she claws at Quinn's back, a keening sound ripped from her throat as she lets it all out. Its not cathartic because the pain is so immense and she knows that something has been stolen from her, something she will never get back and try as she might, she will always be a different person, not broken but also not whole. Fractured and hurt and maybe always feeling off kilter. And accepting that was just a first step.

She feels Jess's embrace now as she joins in the hug and it feels like she's being held together by their arms and if they were not there, she would dissipate, float away. Its bracing to know that they would hold her forever if she asked them, to know that she can fall apart and they would piece her together.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#

Its after midnight when Quinn finally calls Rachel, guilty for waiting so long and knowing by the fact that the phone was answered on the second ring that Rachel had stayed awake. "You should be sleeping.." her soft voice filters through the line and she wishes that she could see the brunette instead of just hearing her voice.

"Then why are you calling me?" Rachel let's out a soft huff as she replies, a smile in her voice that she hopes Quinn will pick up on.

However, even just hearing Rachel's voice allows her to finally relax her hunched shoulders and take a full deep breath. "I needed to hear your voice. I..." She's kind of at a loss as to what to actually say. Being there for Mika was absolutely the right thing to do but being away from Rachel was bordering on impossible in her mind.

One of the things about being sober and clean was her new found ability to truly listen, to hear small inflections in people's voices and divine the meaning behind the words. What she hears from Quinn is that unspoken need and she wants so badly to do something. Only she knows she has to tread carefully.

In the past, Quinn's late call would have driven her to fear the worse, to think that Quinn didn't care about her or was hiding something from her. It always had to come back to her and she knows now how unhealthy and crazy that kind of thinking was. Right now, she realises that the additional time Quinn had taken was probably because things were not that simple and she hoped that it wasn't as bad as the tremor in Quinn's voice.

"Are Tomo and Mika ok? Are you ok?...Babe...please just tell me..." her entreaty and endearment getting through to Quinn.

"They're both hurt. Mika wants to donate part of her liver to Tomo. The surgery will take place over the next few days depending on how she is and...Rach..its ..they're.." She really tries to stifle her tears but maybe it was ok to let Rachel see this part of her as well, that she could be a mess sometimes and needed support.

"What do you need?" Its such a simple question with a number of answers all on the tip of Quinn's tongue. *You, here with me...For you to tell me its all going to be ok and nothing bad will ever happen to any of us...You..I need you here*

Instead she sighs and goes with, "Are you going to bed anytime soon?"

Rachel wishes that Quinn would just articulate what she wants, even if it was going to be almost impossible for her to manage it, she thinks that for Quinn, she could really do just about anything if she had to. only she knows that they're just getting back to being together and getting use to their new normal. And perhaps that meant that Quinn would still hold back her explicit wants even if they bleed through implicitly even over a phone connection.

"Not until you do."

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

Rachel manages three scenes and makes it through one of the song recordings in the studio before she spots her hovering in the back, near the craft tables. Their paths never directly crossing but their universe so small that it just meant that Schuyler had gone out of her way to ensure that they didn't have to meet and for that, she had been so very grateful.

Except maybe something has changed because she's here now and maybe it was time to finally put things to rest. The last time they talked had been in Colorado. She remembers their talk in her room there, all the promises Schuyler had made and the way she had cried and promised that things were going to be different.

At the time, all she could think about was the fact that she did care for Schuyler but her heart had always belonged to Quinn and even if Quinn was only there to check up and confirm that they were just going to be friends, it was enough for her and she needed to break her cycle of dependence, not only on drugs but on people as well.

Maybe things were really changing because looking at Schuyler didn't make her feel guilty or angry or even scared. It just made her miss Quinn more. She sees the woman approach and greets her with a small smile.

"You sound amazing...you always sound amazing but there's just something more..." She sees Rachel's smile turn bashful and it still hits her like a ton of bricks, and she feels that pull of desire low in her belly. It takes a considerable amount of effort on her part not to reach out as she stuffs her hands into the pants pockets.

"The show's doing really well, you're a shoe in for the Emmy and maybe even a Grammy going by that song I just heard." Its not what she wants to say but Schuyler knows that she doesn't really get to say anything else. Rachel looked happy and healthy and whole. She looked a lot like she did that first time they met. Except now, there was also a sense of serenity, like she wasn't chasing for things that she didn't need but thought she wanted.

"Why now?"

She fully understands the question and Schuyler can tell her the truth, that she's always kept an eye out for Rachel, ever since she came back from Colorado. That she knows about their two houses and have been at every party, function and industry event, hovering in the background somewhere just to catch a glimpse of Rachel and to see that Quinn didn't misstep.

Telling herself that she was biding her time and Quinn didn't have the courage to stick around for the long haul. She knows that the blond had flown back to New York yesterday and just for a second, had fantasized that her chance had finally arrived. Only she knows that she's kidding herself and she has to find some sort of closure. Rachel was never hers and was never going to be. It was bracing but at the same time, she knows that she needs to finally acknowledge the fact that all she gets are her memories and maybe the knowledge that she can do something selfless here.

"Flying commercial sucks." The non sequitur throws Rachel but her mind goes back to her episode at the airport yesterday as her cheeks redden and she ducks her head.

"Yeah." Each day is different for her, a new experience, sometime not a good one like saying goodbye to Quinn yesterday or getting reminded that she's still prone to her panic attacks like today. But yesterday or at least early this morning, she had connected with Quinn and fallen asleep to the blonde singing some random pop song and being able to remember all of it, the good and the bad was always going to be a good thing.

"So I can have my jet waiting for you on the tarmac in a hour..." Rachel's eyes meeting hers as they widen. "It could fly us to Acapulco..." Schuyler sees slight worry creep into them, "Or send you to New York. I have a feeling that its where you want to be." Schuyler sees a hint of indecision though, "The show's ahead of schedule because you've been on point since shooting began. Ryan and the crew probably could use a break and besides, I need him to come over early for the poker game today so I have time to win back some of my money."

Rachel can only nod. She wonders if she deserves all of this, to be so happy and to get so much. And maybe she doesn't deserve any of it, not this offer or getting another shot with Quinn but she can't not take it, knowing that she had thrown all of it away once. She may still fell completely uncertain of so many things and sometimes feel like she's on the precipice of falling apart but she does not feel scared anymore. "I want to finish the other two songs first but...the offer...your offer..I'm going to take it so thank you...Sky?"

Its ben so long since Rachel had used that diminutive. Something that had only been between them, no one had ever and going forward, probably no one could use it on her. Hearing it, made her feel special, invincible, like she could do no wrong. It still did. "Yeah?" Her voice is thick with regret but she still smiles as she looks at Rachel.

"Maybe..someday, we can be friends." She thought of adding again but she knows that Schuyler would get it because they were never friends. But circumstances can change even if people won't and she can see that maybe someday, she would look at Schuyler and see Sky.

For Schuyler though, it would be a talisman of sorts, Maybe someday was good enough for her so she just nods and tosses back her words as she walks back towards Ryan's office, "Plane will leave in five hours so your very nice ass better be on it."

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$

"Shouldn't you be home with your wife, enjoying your last week before I become the coolest aunt in the world?" Quinn nudges Santana as they sit uncomfortably in the plastic chairs, waiting for news from Jess. Mika had been cleared as a donor and Jess managed to get herself into the operating theatre as an observer. Quinn had not been surprised when Santana had turned up, two coffees in hand and a smirk on her face.

"She'll be by later, she needed to run an errand." Her shoulder bumps Quinn, their own private communication of *I missed you and I hope you're finally happy* She sees Quinn give her a sidelong glance, a pensive look on her face.

"Is she still making you sing to her belly?" Quinn needs to know that her oldest two friends are a template that she can base her future on. They've been together through so much but never lost faith in each other. Brittany managing to soften Santana's hard edges and Santana ensuring that the love of her life remained as idiosyncratic and happy as only she could be.

"Every damn day and all through the oeuvre of Taylor Swift." Santana finally elicits a smile from Quinn. Its small and disappears just as fleetingly but given the circumstances, it was a start. "You can allow yourself to miss her, you know.. to want her to be here."

When she got the call yesterday, she had to admit that she wasn't too surprised. Quinn had already proved time and again that she would do almost anything for Rachel and finally knowing that the converse was pretty much true as well was good. She can still recall listening to Rachel on that hotel balcony, vow to get better, to be better so that she could finally be with Quinn. Santana does wonder though if it was finally their time. That for once all the stars were aligned and despite panic attacks, physical attacks, hurt friends and old lovers, despite anything that had been or would be thrown at them, they finally recognised that they were stronger together because of their love.

"I do...miss her so much. And she knows too...I'm not hiding any more." Quinn's tired and hasn't slept well since she left LA so her slow response to being cut off was probably to be expected as she blinks at the interruption, her eyes still on Santana.

"Good, I would hate to think that you don't believe I'm strong enough to hear that and naturally..well..eventually act on it." Rachel's mellifluous voice finally cuts though her haze and she launches herself off the chair and into the arms of Rachel. Quinn's arm around her neck as the palm of her other hand cups Rachel's cheek. The kiss is neither tentative nor bold, their lips tasting and promising so much in their contact. A kiss signifying their future and cementing their love.

Brittany still as nimble as ever despite her swollen belly, casually stepping aside as she squeals in delight to see the reunion she had been hoping for ever since Rachel left New York. And maybe still getting one last surprise in, "Umm. Guys...Santana, baby... I think my water just broke.."

**The End**


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